Well, this damn Lost Boys franchise refuses to die, and no one dares to raise the Stake Of Mercy when there’s still a buck to be made on the direct-to-DVD front. Please consult the Lost Boys: The Tribe review for further insights upon this unholy matter. Now, onto today’s scheduled programming:
00:07: Before we reach the point of no return, I must defer to a Barbado Slim remark: “We lost the wrong Corey.” He’s absolutely correct, but - ooh, scary music.
00:30: Five years ago. Washington D.C., a.k.a. “The Other Murder Capital.”
00:42: Some dude’s all tied up and about to meet his maker, whomever that might be. A wheelchair containing an old man on oxygen approaches.
01:07: Creepy-voiced Agent Smith of The Matrix (not really, but close) holds out a pair of fanged dentures to the old man. “As soon as you feed, Senator, you won’t need these anymore.” Senator leans in for the kill but is interrupted when…
01:18: …the door busts open to reveal Edgar (Corey Feldman) and Alan (Jamison Newlander) Frog. Strangely, Alan gets the first line: “Holy shit! It’s the attack of Grandpa Munster!”
01:30: The dentures hit the floor. Edgar remarks, “Gross.”
01:42: Vamps and Senator disappear from sight, so Edgar moves to untie the victim when he hears Alan screaming. They’ve got him! Edgar whips out his ultraviolet flashlight and the vamps jump out the window. “Alan, are you alright?”
01:57: Crouching Edgar, Hidden Alan.
02:05: After a few moments, a very distraught Alan reveals a set of brand-new, half-vamp baby fangs. Edgar clenches his fist in a premeditated state of anguish. “No, Alan. No. NO. Alan!!!”
02:10: Oh hell. It was only a dream. Fuckers.
02:23: At home, a shirtless Edgar reflects upon his dream while a Notice of Eviction appears on the front door of his recreation vehicle, which is neatly emblazoned with a “Frog Brothers” logo.
03:00: Edgar rips the eviction notice down and snarls, “Fuckin’ vampires.”
03:07: Opening titles (nice photoshop brushes, mates) intersperse with flashes from inside a nightclub. I’m pretty sure that DJ is a vamp. Feldman’s listed as one of the executive producers on this thing. Oh bloody hell.
04:52: San Cazador, California — Home of tasty waves, lots of “missing persons” signs, and a comic shop where Edgar’s attempting to unload several prized issues for cash. Counter guy at the offers a mere $65 but will add more if Batman #14 joins the pile. Edgar emits a characteristic grunt and refuses on account of Batman #14 holding “sentimental value.”
06:40: Zoe (Casey B. Dolan), the requisite quirky female comic shop employee, consoles the wayward Frog Brother. She offers to sell Edgar’s shit on eBay, and he accepts.
07:17: A rude customer approaches Zoe and asks where they keep the “graphic novels” are because “comics” are for geeks. Edgar grunts in disapproval. Zoe tells Edgar that was Johnny Trash (Porteus Xandau Steenkamp), who’s in town for an upcoming rave of epic proportions. She knows him “by reputation only” because “he’s a celebrity blogger.” Yeah, one of those.
08:14: Edgar’s driving through the desert and blasting music from Corey Feldman’s band. Actual lyrics: “I’m disconnected! I missed the message!” Buddy, you’ve got no idea.
08:37: Edgar spills something on Batman #14 and nearly wrecks his truck because there’s a hot chick with a posh accent waiting in front of his trailer. She introduces herself as Gwen Lieber (Tanit Phoenix) and identifies Edgar by name as an enemy to all vampires. Edgar responds, “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” but Gwen asks to go inside and talk.
09:19: You know, if Edgar ends up nailing this chick later, it will only be because Feldman’s an executive producer. For the moment, however, an entirely nonplussed Edgar offers Gwen a mere two minutes of his time. The joke nearly writes itself.
09:27: Gwen requests help to locate her kidnapped brother, Peter (Felix Mosse), who disappeared a few weeks ago at a rave held by the same DJ X (Seb Castang), who’s the same DJ that appeared in the opening credits.
10:38: Gwen tells Edgar about a designer drug called “The Thirst,” which is handed out at these raves. Naturally, it isn’t really a drug but blood from the head vampire; and (for the conspiracy theorists out there) this is all part of a globally-organized scheme to turn all humans into vampires.
11:15: Don’t these vamps realize that eliminating the human race necessarily means destroying their own food source? Well, no.
11:49: Edgar’s not interested in helping Gwen, so she offers to pay him for his services, since he’s clearly the only human capable of destroying the head vampire. Still, Edgar plays hard to get and kicks Gwen out of his trailer. If he can’t go back in time to save Alan, then he’s not gonna save anyone!
13:17: Meanwhile, DJ X and his vampire posse throw a party inside a private jet. For no reason at all, they all start skydiving to the tune of some newfangled version of “Cry Little Sister.”
15:31: On the ground, Johnny Trash confronts DJ X for not answering his texts — such rude behavior is no way to thank Trash for the ongoing rave-whoring taking place upon his website. Trash demands an interview or else he’ll put the kibosh on all those precious page impressions.
16:15: Edgar enters a creepy house where a bloodbath has occurred. Welcome to half-vampire Alan Frog’s digs. I guess he kills animals in the bathtub and drinks their blood. Edgar tells Alan about Gwen’s brother and insists he needs Alan’s help to kill the head vampire, but Alan solemnly replies, “We haven’t been the Frog Brothers in a long time.”
17:44: Continuity issues, folks. Alan asks Edgar why he can’t just enlist Sam (Corey Haim) for help. Edgar mentions that he had to kill Sam (who, as mentioned in The Tribe review, had been reduced to a mid-credits cameo) when he totally vamped out. Then, Alan acknowledges another dilemma, “I guess that cancels out Michael and Star,” to which Edgar responds that “[H]e’s pretty much persona non grata with the entire Emerson family at this point.”
Wait — The Tribe story held that Star and MIchael had previously died in a car accident. So is The Thirst pretending that The Tribe never happened?
Works for me.
18:29: Alan doesn’t think Gwen could possibly be talking about the real head vampire because the Frog Brothers already defeated several supposed head vampires — only to find that there’s always a higher vampire. Ever the cynical half-vampire, Alan compares vampirism to a pyramid scheme before menacingly growling, “There’s no such thing as vampires!”
19:45: Johnny Trash gets his podcasted interview session with DJ X, who declares his goal of establishing a new world order at the upcoming rave. Damn, DJ X is one smooth mutha. He kisses ass just like all those Hollywood directors do when they want something from bloggers. (Yes, I really just typed that.)
20:10: Oh hell, DJ X just killed the celebrity blogger. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you.
20:30: Back in his trailer, Edgar’s soulfully staring at a picture (of himself, Alan, and Sam) and reminiscing about the good old days when the trio vowed, “Death to all vampires.”
20:45: Don’t cry, you asshole. Too late.
21:05: Edgar shows up at Gwen’s hotel suite and agrees to help kill the head vampire. In order to so, he needs really expensive, custom-made weapons. Gwen invites him in and asks if he’s curious how she knows so much about vampires. Clearly, Edgar doesn’t give a shit about such trifles but mentions that she’s a famous author (of the Eternity Kiss series, which bears a startling resemblance to the Twilight saga). In the next room, Gwen (heretofore known as “Hot Stephenie Meyers”) tries to show off a fetching lace bra and panties set, but Edgar kills the mood by declaring that her books suck. He hates that she’s glorified vamps and made them seem sexy. The two agree to disagree but only because Edgar promises, “To kill a shitload of vampires.”
23:07: A short yet inspiring self-training montage in the desert. Starring Edgar Frog.
25:54: Hot Stephenie Meyers introduces Edgar to his new vampire-fighting partner — a reality-show actor (think Bear Grylls) named Lars Von Goetz (Stephen Van Niekerk), who comes with his own cameraman, Claus (Joe Vaz). Edgar ignores the two men and reiterates his need for really expensive, custom-made weapons.
26:36: For whatever fake-sentimental reason, Edgar visits Sam’s grave and starts thinking back to when Sam first came into the comic shop and asked for Batman #14.
26:57: Don’t cry again, you asshole. Too late!
27:21: Edgar gets back into his truck and notices a mysterious tome sitting upon the front seat. He raises his knife, looks around, and grunts. Inside the book’s front cover is a letter from Alan, who states that this vampire-fighting book predates history. P.S. Don’t forget to call Mom on her birthday. Aww.
28:00: Edgar calls upon Zoe (who is way too excited to hear from Edgar) for help locating Hot Stephenie Meyers’ brother but doesn’t fill her in on the vamp business.
29:14: Uh-oh. While Zoe’s toiling away, a vamp shows up and threatens to kill her unless she reveals Edgar’s location. Vamp chokes Zoe until she passes out.
30:10: Edgar returns, and vamp reveals himself to be DJ X before knocking Edgar around. Zoe walks up and sprays mace in the mouth of DJ X, who turns into a bunch of bats and flies away. Zoe reveals that the mace is actually holy water.
31:02: Diner breakfast scene with Zoe and Edgar. Somehow, Zoe ascertained that the vamps are planning to make a blood sacrifice of Peter. The planned date coincides with the upcoming rave, and Edgar grunts several times until the pair deduces that the rave shall be held at an old slaughterhouse on a nearby island.
32:32: Oh hey, Peter is chained up at the island slaughterhouse. Some female vamp tells him to just lie there like the piece of veal that he is. She’s wearing rubber gloves but spares the audience a proctology exam.
32:55: Musical interlude, which shows Edgar drinking raw eggs in a last-ditch attempt to bulk up his manly physique. He puts on his red bandanna and grunts. Now, he’s ready for vampire battle.
34:31: Edgar and Hot Stephenie Meyers show up at the house of Blake (Matthew Dylan Roberts), a weapons specialist in holy water grenades. Blake does some lame test to make sure Hot Stephenie Meyers isn’t really a vampire, but he misses an opportunity to totally feel up her boobs. (Next time, remember to executive produce the pic!)
35:10: Blake shows off his weapons stash: Grenade launchers; things that will shoot garlic and holy water; stolen prototype resin grenades. The usual fare.
36:45: Edgar grunts. Blake extends a dinner invitation: “I got beans.” While the beans are cooking, Edgar notices some mysterious newspaper clippings about werewolves.
37:25: The three dorks sit down and eat beans. Soon, a bunch of vampires start growling outside. Luckily, Blake activates a bunch of high-powered UV lamps on the perimeter of his property. The vamps screech and briefly recoil but return to launch a bunch of molotov cocktails into the house windows and take out the UV lights.
38:19: A blonde vamp sticks her head in the window: “Hi sweetheart, aren’t you going to invite me in?” Edgar: “No.” He stakes her, but more molotov cocktails land inside the house, which is now completely on fire, so Edgar and Hot Stephenie Meyers flee the house. Blake fires a bunch of holy-water filled bullets into the vamps and kill them.
39:32: Soon, Edgar and Hot Stephenie Meyers are on the road and stop to rent a boat. The Mission: To stop ravers from tasting The Thirst.
40:19: Edgar grunts, “Let’s roll.” Dude, that is not even close to contextually appropriate within this movie.
41:05: Zoe comes along for the ride, which catalyzes a lame romantic rivalry between the two ladies, who are now shamelessly reduced to fighting over Edgar Frog. Hot Stephenie Meyers: “I hope you brought your bathing suit.” Zoe: “Just how many blood suckers have you killed, Miss Lieber?” Meow.
42:09: Upon the trio’s island arrival, they discover that Lars and Claus made their scheduled gig. So Edgar hatches a plan to enter through the slaughterhouse through a series of underground tunnels. He emphasizes the importance of protecting civilian ravers by using weapons that are non-lethal to anything but vamps. An interjecting Lars has the audacity to tell Edgar that vamps don’t exist. In response, Edgar grunts.
44:29: Hot Stephenie Meyers stays behind on the beach, but the other four head towards the tunnels. Meanwhile, unsuspecting privileged ravers are digested by vamps in the back VIP rooms.
46:23: While hiking towards the tunnels, Lars falls and then whines about breaking his coccyx. They enter the tunnels while Lars progressively freaks out.
48:40: Zoe and Edgar go one way. Lars and Claus go the other way. Clearly, Lars believes that this is all a role-playing game for one bitchin’ reality program.
50:51: Jack shit hasn’t happened as of yet.
51:52: Seriously, this should be the most suspenseful portion of the movie, yet absolutely nothing is going down.
52:10: Finally, a mini-development occurs when Lars and Claus stumble upon Peter but leave him behind after deciding, “It’s too early to find him. We gotta find him at the end of the episode.” Peter: “What the fuck?”
52:58: Back to Zoe and Edgar, the latter of whom declares, “Something smells really bad in here.” A brief investigation leads to the conclusion that it’s only Johnny Trash’s dead body.
52:57: The vamps attack Edgar and Zoe. Suspense!
53:24: Back to Scooby and Scrappy-Doo territory with Lars and Claus. “Dude, where’s my gear?” “Oh shit.” Suddenly, a vampire appears behind Lars, who tries to put the beat down upon the immortal that proceeds to pull out Lars’ still-beating heart. Luckily, Claus gets it all on film for posterity.
55:40: Meanwhile, some sexy vamp approaches Edgar and nails him in the shoulder with a painful-looking spear. Zoe is left to fight alone — which she does — she then pulls the sword out of a screaming Edgar before dragging him to the beach. From Edgar’s POV, we see a white light and yet ANOTHER quasi-romantic flashback with Edgar, Allen, and Sam doing their “Truth, justice, and the American way” routine.
58:24: If you cry again, you fucker…. fuck.
58:56: Edgar awakens on the beach. Shirtless. “It’s not over yet.” Edgar growls, “It’s not over yet.” Furiously, he puts on his red bandanna, jumps up, and heads back while grunting and mumbling some vaguely Latin-sounding words.
1:00:08: The sun goes down, and the rave immediately commences. Some vampy chick introduces DJ X, his two turntables, and his microphone.
1:00:40: Edgar, Zoe, Cameraman, and Hot Stephenie Meyer are running through the tunnels and trying to find Peter, who has just been rolled onto the stage to be sacrificed.
1:01:50: Edgar decides to rush the stage and kill DJ X to save Peter. Once onstage, Edgar gets his ass kicked by a bunch of vampires. He manages to take out the queenlike one by slashing her neck and tossing some holy water into the mix. Then, DJ X starts to fight Edgar while the ravers keep on raving.
1:04:53: DJ X, who claims to have fought alongside the greatest warriors of history, tells Edgar he was “doomed to fail.” As Edgar grunts while unable to move, DJ X asks, “Do you know what the first rule of combat is?” He’s about to kill Edgar with a giant spear but is interrupted when…
1:05:25: …Alan Frog, all half-vamped-out, pops into the frame: “Yeah. Don’t monologue!”
1:05:39: Zoe and Claus move up to cover the immobile Edgar while Alan fights DJ X. Claus shines a UV light on a bunch of dancing vamps, who immediately dissolve into ash. Edgar tosses some weird grenade, which lands underneath DJ X and explodes into some medieval-looking device covered in dozens of spears. DJ X is impaled through his limbs, and Alan stabs him through the heart.
1:07:13: Edgar yells that the party is over and frees Peter from his bonds. Immediately, Peter and Hot Stephenie Meyer start making out, and Claus and Zoe stifle some vomit.
1:07:36: Alan points that even though they killed DJ X, he doesn’t feel any different. They also notice that all the dancing vamps haven’t changed. Everyone looks towards Peter, who apparently was the Alpha all along but had been weakened by garlic. Apparently, DJ X wanted to use the sacrifice to drink Peter’s blood and take Alpha power.
1:09:15: Hot Stephenie Meyer asks Peter to keep his promise and make her a vamp because she doesn’t want to grow old. He assures her that she won’t grow old and then rips her neck open, kicks her into a pool of water, and leaps into the stage rafters.
1:10:41: Edgar and Alan assume Frog Brother fighting positions, but Peter appears and tries to strangle Alan. Soon, Edgar is down too. Peter announces his intention to become Edgar’s savior and tries to make Edgar drink vampire blood. Edgar grunts a refusal.
1:12:41: Peter is angry because his vampire son (DJ X) held too many raves and created too many damn vamps, so that’s where Edgar comes in. He wants Edgar to be his personal vampire hitman, thereby offering a life of riches and ability to hang with his brother again. Edgar refuses, so Peter uses his supervamp mind powers to make Alan fight Edgar.
1:13:52: It’s Frog Brother vs. Frog Brother!
1:14:14: No contest here, and Alan’s soon holding Edgar up in the air with a death grip to the neck. Somehow, Edgar manages to reach up, grab a water pipe, and spew water all over Peter, who merely laughs. But then Edgar starts speaking Latin or some shit. Holy crap, he’s an ordained minister! Internet certificate, no doubt. Wait, Universal Life Church ministers can’t make holy water, right? Regardless of the answer, this is actually the coolest few seconds of Corey Feldman’s onscreen life. Or, at least, it would have been cool without the bastardized version of “Cry Little Sister.”
1:14:48: Edward successfully turns that ordinary water into holy water while Peter’s still dripping wet. He begins to burn, turn to ash, and finally explodes..
1:15:09: Alan is no longer a half-vampire. He and Edgar regard at each other with their usual geek aplomb and do the “We are awesome monster bashers. The meanest. The baddest!” chant.
1:15:45: Alan Frog is happily suntanning on the beach while reading Undying Hearts, a novel by Hot Stephenie Meyer. WTF?
1:16:11: Edgar goes to the comic shop to visit Zoe. He wants to know how she knew that vampires were real, but Zoe evades the question. Then, Edgar starts talking about how interesting it is that female werewolves can shape-shift wherever and whenever. Zoe’s eyes get all flashy-creepy, and she looks at the camera: “Now, that’s an interesting theory.”
Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at agentbedhead.com.