Because I Need These To Be Lies Like I Need Oxygen or Booze

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | October 19, 2010 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | October 19, 2010 |

There was a simple time not so long ago when we thought our precious ’80s movies were safe, protected even, from the remake machine. “They’re too recent,” we said. “They’re not even stale yet.”

This has all changed with the success of that creepy Karate Kid movie. And, yes, it was creepy. Children shouldn’t be able to do split kicks, and that’s a fact.

Rumors of a Sixteen Candles remake have been whispered, even shouted, for almost ten years now. That Footloose revamp has been in the works for years and I’m fairly certain it’s never actually going to happen. A number of vanity projects are postulated every day and never come to fruition.

These are the things I have to remind myself when I read news like this: “Justin Bieber to star in Bill and Ted Remake.”

Allegedly, the tiny boychild with the stupid variation on the kicky Dorothy Hamill haircut, will portray Ted Logan, possibly because with a little pomade, the hair isn’t all that different. “Insiders” (read: Justin Bieber’s mom) say the struggle lies in casting Bill S. Preston, Esq.

Again, lord-willing, this is a rumor. Not just because it’s a movie that I enjoyed in my youth, but because the Bill and Ted movies are a time capsule. They are very much The ’80s. The idea of the lovable slacker is a relic of that decade and the early-mid ’90s. Unless they make our heroes lovable ghetto-affected rich white kids whose balls haven’t dropped yet, I don’t see what Justin Bieber can really do here.

Of course, I’m mainly diatribing about this because of recent rumors that The Scott Baio of Tomorrow wants to remake Back to the Future. This rumor has been squashed by writer Bob Gale, which keeps me from the screaming and night terrors, but if it ever comes true, know that I will set myself on fire in protest.

Look, I don’t get all up in arms about remakes like a lot of us. I wasn’t super opposed to the Let the Right One In remake, though I loved the original as much as everyone else, and I tend to not mind when older films are remade because of the truth that this remake does not affect the original film and its greatness. But the idea of remaking movies that belong in one certain time period, a time period that has passed and now only exists inside these movies, really irritates me.

Also, I will have to implore you to remove yourself from my lawn.