You had to know this was coming. You just had to. Feel free to start at the beginning, before the sex robot uprising, otherwise, join me with fresh eyes, fully ruined by the 2017 of it all as I try to capture lightening in a bottle twice and then drink that bottle dry because, spoiler, a year of distance did not help this movie at all.
1:07 - You know, we really don’t talk enough about this movie emotionally weaponizing 9/11 to open a film that features London’s most garbage human rubbing his nonsense penis all over the emptiest vessels America’s heartland has to offer.
2:41 - You know, this really is a strange song to give the Christmas treatment but my issue is actually with the original version and this line in particular: “I see your face before me / As I lay on my bed / I cannot get to thinking / Of all the things you said.” What? What does that even mean? Like do you not have time to think of those things? Can you not be bothered? Is this a masturbation thing? The name of the band is Wet Wet Wet, I feel like it’s a masturbation thing. Adding in an extra syllable to squeeze in “Christmas” is nowhere near as bad as “I cannot get to thinking.” That’s just not a thing
4:01 - Everyone in this movie is dressed like trash in a turtleneck sack but Billy Mack and his perpetually bodyshamed manager really kick the movie off right.
4:35 - Seriously though, do we think Colin Firth’s cheating girlfriend is committing the biggest illness-faking forgery, complete with lipstick on her nose, or is she actually really sick and nasty and still ready to get in there with Colin Firth’s brother, perhaps using Vick’s Vapo Rub as lube? (note: that is the least gross version I considered of that joke, the grossest being “using snot as lube” and I probably didn’t need to tell you that but at Christmas you tell the truth and my truth is I almost told you a joke involving snot as lube.
5:33 - I still have no idea of the actual time line of this movie. It seems like the funeral and wedding are at the same time, but Emma Thompson does NOT seem concerned and is instead focused on making pepper-related things and being kind of thoughtless toward her very recently widowered friend.
7:01 - So it literally took someone just last year in the comments to point out to me that the line about “male prostitutes” at the stag party is a terrible transphobic joke. I was literally picturing Gob Bluth and the hot cops showing up. MOVIE, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
8:26 - Prime Minister Hugh Grant waltzes in and immediately makes incestuous pedophilia jokes and hurls misogynist insults but Natalie swearing is the issue. Sure why not.
10:30 - This bit has always struck me as vaguely Invasion of the Body Snatchersy.
10:46 - I just really hate this. Some songs are just not…good…for singing. It just sounds weirdly flat? Or sharp? I DON’T KNOW it’s just not good by no fault of the performers.
11:43 - “What a lovely obliging girl.” I’d cheat on that shit with that shit’s brother too. Don’t infantilize me for answering the fucking door, Colin Firth.
12:18 - I desperately want to know the story of this ’80s nightmare woman.
12:50 - Look, 2003 was a rough time for all of us, hair and fashionwise. But there is no excuse for this nonsense happening on this woman’s head.
13:32 - HIS ENTIRE PLOT LINE IS “I’m such a fucking asshole and it’s all these English bitches’ fault for not taking a joke so I’ll go to America where those dumb sluts will fuck anything” AND IT HAPPENS. I hate him.
15:25 - I’m all about the lulz but it’s a BIT much that Liam Neeson’s wife chose “Bye Bye Baby” to play as her young son just sits there having lost his mom like “cool mom. Hope you set up all my therapy before you kicked it.”
18:04 - Real talk I want a whole movie about that DJ. He’s INTO Donny Osmond.
18:30 - OK after all this time, I’m starting to piece together the timeline. Garbage Colin’s first appearance in Trash Alan Rickman’s office is actually part of this scene right now where Trash Alan tells Sad Laura Linney that she should bang Hot Karl, and they apparently decided it was all TOO MUCH.
20:47 - “We’ve changed ‘love’ to ‘Christmas’?” “And is that an important message to you, Bill?” This guy is a terrible interviewer. Or he doesn’t care. Or whynotboth.gif?
21:26 - WHY CAN’T ANYONE LET BRITNEY BE GREAT? SHE WAS 21 WHEN THIS CAME OUT. LEAVE THE POOR GIRL ALONE.
23:31 - “Who do I have to screw around here to get a tea and a chocolate biscuit?” EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE MAKES EVERYTHING WEIRD. 2017 MAKES EVERYTHING WEIRD.
24:59 - So Garbage Colin’s friend Tony being in all these different scenes back to back, I genuinely don’t know that the editor realized he’s the same person. I think there was a racist ass editor who thought these were two different people or just didn’t care.
26:04 - “Advise the girls to avoid Kevin if they want their breasts unfondled.” THIS MOVIE IS CANCELED. 2017 HAS RENDERED THIS MOVIE MORE UNCOMFORTABLE THAN EVER.
26:45 - As does this painting of a penis in a hat.
29:08 - I’m petty so if I was Sam’s mom I would be like IS NO ONE MOURNING ME? COME ON.
30:03 - Laura Linney putting on lipstick and getting her eyebrows right just to say “goodnight” to Hot Karl as he leaves is one of the most heartbreaking moments in this movie, pretty much all of which involve Laura Linney. WHY DOES THIS MOVIE HATE LAURA LINNEY?
31:36 - Just a fun reminder that I literally don’t care about your theories as to why it’s OK the movie makes so many fat jokes about Natalie. To mock the UK tabloids, as a commentary on Monica Lewinsky, I don’t care, I think the movie is just kind of mean.
32:27 - “Not a nice guy actually.” And neither is this movie, Natalie. YOU DESERVE MORE.
37:16 - Like, how are Mia and Andrew Lincoln friends in the first place? Of COURSE she wants to have her Rickman Sex Party at the Christmas butts and nips gallery but those two are an odd choice for friends other than their complete inability to understand romantic boundaries.
39:53 - It’s actually amazing how much of an improvement President Billy Bob would be over what we have now.
41:50 - OK I’m going to breakdown in real time what I think is happening here. Natalie walks in and president Billy Bob immediately envelopes her like an actual Dracula. That’s honestly the only thing that makes sense to happen in actual 10 seconds.
43:21 - It is kind of amazing that England is ready to go to war over President Billy Bob smelling Natalie’s head.
45:06 - But like WHY would you cheat on Emma Thompson? Is it *just* because they put her in a fat suit, because AND I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH this movie has some fucking issues.
46:18 - Like Hugh Grant is definitely a grumbly fuck who throws beans at people, BUT I WOULD. WE ALL WOULD.
46:57 - HOW DID I NEVER CATCH THIS BEFORE? WHAT IS *WITH* THIS MOVIE?
46:59 - This movie needs so much help. Like the WHOLE movie.
48:15 - This lingering slow-motion bit of Aurelia taking off her clothes to jump in the lake is so leery and creepy. It’s a full 20 seconds of shaking her hair out and the camera just rests on her ass and tattoo and just yecchh.
52:02 - Keira Knightley is convinced Andrew Lincoln hates her and she just pops over without warning and walks in despite protestations and won’t take no for an answer, and I just feel like him actually hating her wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility.
54:00 - Yes, it’s creepy that Andrew Lincoln just paparazzoed the shit out of her on her wedding day. THAT SAID I still wouldn’t get it. I’d be like YES THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO OF ME BEING PRETTY. THANK YOU FOR CAPTURING MY PRETTINESS. ALL THESE SHOTS ARE OF ME BECAUSE I’M BRIDE AND IT IS MY PRETTY DAY.
56:20 - “It’s a self-preservation thing, you see.” What is? The not talking to her ever, or the filming her like a creep bit? People need to better at faking it. Just pretend you don’t think she’s super hot. Do you KNOW how many people have no idea I can’t stand them? BE BETTER AT FAKING IT LIKE I AM.
57:43 - “I think there’s a pretty sizable ass there. Huge thighs.” WHY. WHY IS IT NECESSARY. WHY. I STILL HAVE QUESTIONS. THEY ARE ALL WHY.
59:13 - “We need Kate and we need Leo and we need them now.” KATE IS A RAPE APOLOGIST AND LEO KEEPS DATING TODDLERS AND 2017 HAS RUINED EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING.
59:15 - “In the end there isn’t just one person for each of us.” “There was for Kate and Leo.” Not really. Leo specifically has spilled all over more women than Mr. Bean as a bartender.
1:01:46 - I’m honestly still not sure *where* Colin Firth was driving Aurelia every day. Is he driving her home to Portugal?
1:04:37 - I genuinely don’t know what the biggest HR violation is at this NONPROFIT. Is it the Christmas butt party? Spreading your legs to your boss and then trying to fuck him at the party his wife is at? Is it KEVIN who got no more than a joke line about all the women he keeps assaulting while keeping his job? It’s definitely Kevin. Someone call the police.
1:06:58 - A better version of events would be Emma Thompson becoming boss of the whole company. She knows enough to subtly grab Laura Linney’s drink so she can dance with Hot Karl which is way less of a personal violation than her husband’s “WHY HAVEN’T YOU FUCKED KARL YET?” I feel like that gives her good management potential.
1:10:09 - HOT KARL WANTS HER SO BAD YOU GUYS. WHY CAN’T THE MOVIE JUST LET HER HAVE THIS?
1:10:45 - TURN OFF YOUR PHONE LAURA. TURN IT OFF. AND TELL THE HOSPITAL THEY CAN SUCK IT. LAURA. WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO FUCK HOT KARL PRESENTS ITSELF YOU ALWAYS FUCK KARL. LAURA. LAURA WHY. LAURA NO.
1:13:06 - THIS IS TEXTBOOK CODEPENDENCE. “Between the two of us, we’ll find the answer.” WHERE THE FUCK IS A DOCTOR OR SOME DANG NURSES? THIS IS THEIR JOB. I HATE THIS MOVIE.
1:16:30 - MIA IT IS VERY RUDE TO ASK FOR PRESENTS ON TOP OF ASKING FOR RICKMAN TO FUCK YOU. BOTH ARE RUDE ACTUALLY. DON’T DO EITHER BUT DEFINITELY DON’T DO BOTH.
1:18:43 - I just remembered this movie thinks Rowan Atkinson is a guardian angel and literally laughed because that’s so fucking stupid. This movie’s stupid. And I’ve watched it 26 times in the last year and 21 days. Because I’m stupid, too.
1:21:33 - HIS BACKPACK IS FULL OF CONDOMS FOR ALL THE SEX HE THINKS HE JUST DESERVES. AND THE MOVIE JUST GIVES IT TO HIM! I HATE THIS MOVIE. DON’T WATCH THIS MOVIE 26 TIMES. IT’S ALMOST LIKE THAT’S A BAD IDEA OR SOMETHING.
1:24:09 - There is no such thing as a near-empty bar in Milwaukee. This is a lie.
1:26:33 - So obviously four women don’t live in a house with no furniture and one bed. Right? Like that would be tragic and terrible. So clearly this must just be their fuckhouse where they take random dudes for orgytimes. This is the only possibility I’m comfortable with. I’m very comfortable with a four-woman fuckhosue for orgytimes.
1:28:43 - “Do you mind if I just absent myself for a second? All that ice cream.” That is very literally the classiest way to say “excuse me I have to shit so hard I might achieve liftoff” because you actually have to go sob because your life is over.
1:31:36 - “You wee motherless mongrel.” OK that’s fucked up though. Like tell the kid jokes about fucking Claudia Schiffer in his bedroom, fine, but shit man, that’s dark.
1:34:41 - “I hate Uncle Jamie.” Everyone in this family is little shits, from skankle (that’s skanky uncle) to these kids.
1:35:36 - HOT KARL IS SO SAD. He works late every night including Christmas and it seems like he understands and they are just DECIDING it can never work and everyone gets to die alone. EXCEPT GARBAGE COLIN APPARENTLY.
1:38:14 - Do you know what I *just* learned recently and thank the old gods and new I didn’t know last year because I would have completely descended into madness? There’s a card cut out of the Andrew Lincoln scene. I’LL GIVE YOU ONE FUCKING GUESS WHAT CONSTANT ISSUE IN THIS MOVIE IT HITS ON.
LIKE THEY AREN’T EVEN FRIENDS. HE’S BARELY EVER EVEN SPOKEN TO HER. I HATE YOU MOVIE. I HATE YOU UNCLE JAMIE.
1:41:26 - Getting drunk and watching porn seems like a very specific thing to do but I don’t think I understand male friendship very well.
1:45:02 - Mia is wearing her post-Rickman sex camisole and necklace. Alan Rickman literally JUST climbed off of her immediately before giving his wife a CD and going to his children’s school play.
1:45:35 - HOLY WHAT OK HOLD ON A SECOND I JUST DISCOVERED SOMETHING ELSE I NEVER NOTICED BEFORE.
1:55:48 - “I’m so in the wrong” is quite possibly the funniest worst “apology” for cheating on your spouse. It’s actually worse than “I’m sorry if you’re offended.”
2:00:!4 - I still can’t believe this was a scene that written, shot and considered to actually appear in this movie.
2:06:16 - What is this movie’s weird forehead fetish?
2:08:23 - I don’t think this movie knows that Wisconsin is not the south and is practically Canada.
2:09:03 - And the last bit of dialogue in this movie is Hugh Grant telling his girlfriend she weighs a lot. THE END.