10:02 - Well that was a shitstorm. But dammit if it didn’t singlehandedly bankroll the ugly fake fur hat industry well into the next century. Thanks to everyone who played along at home. You are all my oceans and I drown in you or something.
10:01 - Did she call that lady mother, or did I mishear? Because that lady hasn’t aged the whole movie. What the Dorian Gray fuck?
9:59 - Okay, last four minutes of the movie = no cancer, married again, it doesn’t last, he dead, this hair. U cry evry time.
9:58 - Okay, how are they pulling this one off? “Congratulations, guys!” *whomp whomp sound*
9:57 - “Fit as a fiddle.” Words never used to describe Elizabeth Taylor, who was, like, the sickest person ever.
9:51 - There’s nine minutes left. What is happening and why. Did we see or hear any indication as to why she’s in the hospital right now. What is happening. THERE ARE SO FEW MINUTES LEFT.
9:49 - “A farm in Wales, a boat, something, I don’t know.” = how the writers began writing that line in their heads and then just wrote it down.
9:47 - That. BEARD. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a late-in-the-game Cinderella story. The best wig in the movie yet.
9:47 - …Lifetime is producing a reality series about bra fitting? Yeah, that seems about right.
9:42 - What I like/love/hate most about these confessional interstitials is that they are the absolute laziest storytelling device in a two-hour celebration of laziness.
9:40 - Do you think the crying about no longer being a star was genuine and actually the most self-aware moment of Lindsay’s entire life? Because she’s not that good an actress. Even the craziest have their moments of clarity.
9:37 - “Whaht is yo-ah probe-lemm?” Lindsay. Babycakes. The accent. We need to talk about it.
9:36 - “My brother will never walk again AND I didn’t win the Oscar? FUCKING SCOFIELD.”
9:35 - Did Burton ever slip back into Welshness, or was this just another in a series of accent spazziness? Because his brother is the Welshest.
9:34 - Okay, props peeps, yes, that ring was big in real life. But it wasn’t a goddamn cloudy Ring Pop. Rein it in.
9:31 - Remember that fur hat I posted earlier? When pap shots of that scene hit the circuit, everyone thought she was obviously wearing old lady aging makeup. She wasn’t. That was straight up just Lindsay’s face. No joke whatsoever. It’s almost sad.
9:29 - Only a half hour left, guys. We’re in the home stretch now. What happens next I wonder. HOW FAR ARE WE FROM THIS?
9:26 - “Do you want to make them more beautiful?” I really thought that was heading into very awkward hand job innuendo territory.
9:25 - “Money’s getting tight and bills are getting harder to pay.” “THEN WE SHALL LIVE ON A YACHT.” = every discussion my husband and I have about money.
9:24 - We’re watching Lindsay Lohan’s career flatline hilariously before our very eyes AND Chris Brown just deleted his Twitter? FETCH THE FATTEST GOOSE AT THE MARKET, BOY! This is the grandest Christmas of all!
9:22 - I want an entire movie of people whining about not staying in the theaahhtahh.
9:21 - I bet those kids had a lot of “awk-waaaard” moments in their lives.
9:19 - Cleo-fat-ra!
9:17 - Oh dear sweet holy Jesus, this is really happening, they’re really re-enacting Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
9:13 - He just lost the Oscar and had to run after her and apologize to her because he got sad and it made her mad. … I was going to snark, but first I should probably apologize to my husband for about 25% of all our fights.
9:12 - He should have bitten his knuckle. Why the hell didn’t they have him bite his knuckle? FUCKIN’ LEE MARVIN! *shakes fist*
9:11 - Steve Brady is owning Richard Burton all over this piece.
9:10 - Not to ignore all the Hamletting, but this is the best RT ever. Thank you, Real Eye Doctor Man on Twitter.
9:07 - When they make the movie of the making of this movie, I want Martin Freeman to play Grant Bowler because the hair people were sure going for some Bilbo Baggins shit with him.
9:06 - That last comment was for my husband who actually entered the room ah-spoilering as I typed it. DAMMIT, JOHN.
9:05 - Also, NO ONE SPOIL “Boardwalk Empire” FOR ME. I’ll cut you.
9:03 - FYIskies, we’re dropping the Facebook commenting function because it was going over about as well as this movie. Disqus is the winner.
9:02 - Dustin just emailed me and said he’s not watching this, but he’s reading along during “The Walking Dead” and it totally works.
9:00 - This could only be better if Lindsay was pronouncing it “Van GOFF.”
8:58 - As we enjoy this commercial break, let’s REALLY enjoy this screencap from Sarah that I want to nuzzle and embroider on a throwpillow.
8:54 - *horrible fight* “Elizabeth wants to play.” *smooth Sergio sax* EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MOVIE IS COMPLETELY RAPID CYCLING BIPOLAR.
8:54 - BOSSY BOOTS! *does a touchdown dance*
8:51 - Other theory: this entire movie is actually Lindsay Lohan’s descent into madness. YOU GUYS. I think that’s seriously it. A drug addled, delusional mess asshole of an actress thinks she’s fit to play Liz Taylor, and they film a movie that is exactly a big of a mess as her very brain. META AS FUCK. Also, this hat.
8:50 - Theory: this was originally a four hour film and they made the groundbreaking decision to only broadcast every other scene.
8:49 - “Hurry back. I want more.” You can’t write this stuff. You actually can’t. And I’m pretty sure no one did. The script said “say things.”
8:48 - Was that just shot in Lucille Bluth’s condo? BECAUSE I THINK IT SO WAS.
8:47 - Maxwell Sheffield is a fitting casting choice, because Lohan looks way more like Fran Drescher than she does Liz Taylor.
8:43 - Did you catch the really red mouth just now? Is that a weird drug thing, or was she making out with a lumberjack before that take? I’m Team Lumberjack. Then again I’m always Team Lumberjack. People are all “Team Jacob or Team Edward” and I’m all “I’m Team Lumberjack.” Always. In a related story, my eyeballs itch. My fingernails are talking. I swear, the madness took way longer to set in during Batman & Robin.
8:42 - Are they back together now? Did that happen off-camera? Is their relationship the Cloverfield monster? That would be a sweet twist.
8:41 - Oh, okay, but apparently that wasn’t going to be a scene, so we’re moving along…
8:41 - She’s wearing her sneakier, more inconspicuous stole. Good idea.
8:40 - Let’s take a quick minute and talk about Lindsay’s cheeks. Is she, in fact, storing nuts for the colder winter months? And by nuts, I mean crack rock.
8:39 - Aw. I’m kind of sad there’s no more busted Cleopatra wig, like if Raven from “RuPaul’s Drag Race” ever had to really cut corners.
8:38 - “I’m bored. I’m so bored. What? I’m bored.” ACTORATING.
8:35 - What accent is she doing exactly? I want to say it’s old timey gal Friday mixed with present day Madonna mixed with uppers.
8:34 - Okay, Lindsay is awful, the set is awful, the wigs are roof stoof, but I think the score might just take the awful cake. It’s superb in its terribility.
8:28 - *shuffles off like a four-year-old looking for Santa Claus, yet devoid of any emotion whatsoever* “I won’t live without you.”
8:27 - LOST IN AN OCEAN. I live.
8:27 - “Suicide, ah-yes!” The happiest paparazzo in the world to ever deliver awful news.
8:25 - Holy shit, you guys. That was literally just a picture of Rome they were acting in front of. Like, they put up a picture of a Roman street and had people stand in front of it.
8:24 - “You call yourselves journalists?” read with all the emotion of an over-lithiumed sheltie sadly wearing a Santa hat.
8:23 - He’s wearing a toga. In case you were wondering, he’s wearing a toga. It’s fine. Explanation unnecessary.
8:23 - “We don’t need a pool. I have a whole ocean in you.” I literally just spit wine all over my laptop.
8:21 - See, when famous people were dicks back then, it was romantic and glamourous. But that’s because they had CLASS. They ran off to take bubble baths. Lindsay usually runs off to her “sea quartz and jasper” dealer.
8:16 - And with that we have a fittingly stupid cut to commercial. Good times.
8:15 - This is like a confetti gun of horrible hair. I want to snuggle the screen.
8:14 - “You were vulnerable after Mike’s death.” Condescending Richard Burton is condescending.
8:13 - CREED. Capisce!
8:13 - Lifetime blowjobs: things that happen just north of the belly button.
8:09 - Oh, this scene of Elindsaybeth reminds me. Did you read this amazement? “Elizabeth was drunk on sets. I’ve never been drunk on set, ever. I did my time and respect the law.” SHE SAID THAT, GUYS. LINDSAY LOHAN SAID THAT.
8:08 - I am living for the inept audacity of having her actually do Taylor’s scenes. My heart. It swells. Spilling white heart bosom heart swell.
8:07 - “Spilling. White. Hot. Bosom.”
8:03 - I’m already in about seventeen kids of heaven. The black-on-black director’s chairs “Real World” confessionals? The most budget set this side of Showtime after midnight softcore? Lohan’s Lohanic voice without the slightest hint of adjustment, with the addition of the best pseudo accent I’ve heard on TV this season since every episode of “American Horror Story” this year? Guys, I am in love.
8:02 - LOOK. AT. THAT. HAIRLINE. Oh, sweet Dickie B. Apparently he was part Ewok.
8:00 - “Based on a true story.” Just in case you weren’t sure. Also, what a glamourous parade of production stills. I love a credit sequence you could do in Adobe Premiere in under ten minutes. Also, I want the Faux Richard Burton holding the Yorrick skull as my desktop background. Good lord of magic wonder.
7:58 - In other news, if you, too, have been accidentally watching this Winnie Cooper, Lea Thompson, Guy-I-Thought-Was-Zack-Levi-At-First-But-Isn’t nonsense, you are probably already experiencing a terrible lactose intolerance of your standard Lifetime cheese. Jesus. That is rough.
7:55 - YOU GUYS. After what feels like years of waiting, it is almost upon us. An o holy night, like that of the coming of the christchild, were that the christchild had a nose lined with the residue of a thousand tightly composed lines of white powder. Before us lay a magical world of romance, fame, intrigue, featuring a whole bevy of stars, such as Mr. Sheffield from “The Nanny,” Miranda’s husband Steve from “Sex and the City” and a guy who appeared in seven episodes of “True Blood” as the character Cooter. Also? Creed Bratton.
But the star shining most brightly tonight, if for no other reason than the glowing sheen of years of cocaine use, is one Lindsay Morgan Lohan, she with the delicate liver spots of a girl half her age (she’s 72, right? No? 26? Bullshit.) and the dulcet, soothing voice of that time I dropped a whole bunch of lemon seeds into the garbage disposal. Tonight will be her most spectacular moment.
And, if I may be completely genuine, I’m not actually sure this movie is going to be embarrassing enough to bump her final interview from the top of the list of “things most offensive to the memory of international treasure, Elizabeth Taylor.” Because as bad as this will be, that was worse. (If you haven’t read it, you must; it will simultaneously make you love Liz Taylor even more and hate Kim Kardashian even more, though you may not think it possible to do either. “You are my idol. But I’m six husbands and some big jewels behind. What should I do?” UGH. Fuck you, Kim.)