Remember when we all thought we were f**king done with E.L. James? Remember when the Fifty Shades movies concluded and we were ready to rest in peace? I shall never know peace again, sadly, for I was the one who reviewed James’s other terrible novel for this here site. You may not remember The Mister, and for that, I don’t blame you. It was a bad book that was also deeply boring and forgettable. Critics hated it, and while it did sell strongly, it was nowhere near the juggernaut that Fifty Shades was. Indeed, it left no real cultural footprint and most people forgot it. I didn’t forget it. I’ll always remember the way that James described a man’s penis as being ‘Large. Hooded. Flexible.’
Fortunately, we can all remember it together because the film rights to The Mister were just snapped up by Universal, the studio who brought us three films of Dakota Johnson desperately trying to force once iota of chemistry with her co-star. Variety notes that there was ‘a heated bidding war’ for the rights to The Mister, which doesn’t surprise me given how much cash fifty Shades brought in but I seriously question the optimism behind this project. Yeah, the book did fine but nobody cares about it. Who is the audience for this? Or am I just giving the world far too much credit?
The Mister was James’s attempt to prove that she didn’t need to keep suckling at the battered teat of Twilight, only with her lifting a crap-ton of stuff from Poldark. It’s your prototypical ‘rich aristocrat with dark past falls for a damaged woman from a lower socioeconomic standing’ story, with a hero whose surname is Trevethick. Get it? Because he’s got a massive c*ck! The most egregious part of it is James’s attempt to add social commentary and a subplot about human trafficking, a topic she is hysterically ill-equipped to deal with.
I wonder if she’ll wield as much creative control over this as she did with Fifty Shades. That ended well, eh? Someone make sure Dakota Johnson’s agent keeps James far far away!
Header Image Source: YouTube // Wendy Williams