Earlier this week it was reported that a new writer has been brought on to Ryan Reynolds’ remake of Clue, the only good movie based on a board game ever made. This is something we started talking about back in 2018 to mixed reactions. But apparently, it’s A Thing that’s going to happen.
Before official casting news starts coming out I wanted to throw some ideas out there, in case ol’ RyRy needs some help.
Mrs. Peacock needs someone who can wear an elegant gown and not be afraid to fall down in it, a lot. No one’s better at that than Maya Rudolph. She basically dresses herself for the role at every event already anyway.
I like Margaret Cho for Mrs. White. There’s really no replacing Madeline Kahn, ever, but Cho is extremely funny and has super high energy that makes me think she can come pretty close to doing Mrs. White justice in a remake.
Kathryn Hahn was actually the first person who made this list and I deliberated on where to put her. Bewitching, beautiful, zany, and hilarious. I’m going to put her in here as Miss Scarlet. But, she would do a great job with ANY of these roles.
My first thought for Yvette was “Well, you’re going to need an ingenue. And Kristen Bell is the epitome of an ingenue. She probably also looks pretty great in a French Maid outfit.” BUT! If we’re going to cast a Kristen here maybe Kristen Stewart is the way to go. She’s proven her comedy and action chops. And this seems like the type of thing she might sign on to just because it’s ridiculous. She also probably looks pretty great in a French Maid outfit.
Jane Wiedlin, famously of The Go-Go’s, played The Singing Telegram Girl in the original movie. We need to put another musician in here for fun. It’s a small, but memorable role and moment in the film. I can’t think of anyone better than Cardi B to make the most of it.
I’m going to gender-swap the role of the cook because I think Simon Pegg would be very funny as the humorless kitchen worker who gets to bang a gong, and not much else, before getting killed (spoiler?)
I want Tony Shalhoub in this as Colonel Mustard. Maybe it’s the mustache, but he gives off a very similar vibe as Martin Mull. A believable, and lovable idiot who can turn on the charm with a twinkle in his eye. Every cast should include someone who looks this good in a formal cape.
For Professor Plum, I’m leaning heavily toward Keegan-Michael Key. Plum’s primary role is that of a complete horndog who makes all of the women uncomfortable at some point or another. I trust Key to be able to do that without actually being a gross pig while also being incredibly funny.
I’m sure Ryan Reynolds is planning to cast himself as Wadsworth. But I’m here to shut that idea down. Sorry, my dude, you know we love you, but no. I propose Ryan cast himself as Mr. Green, the ultimate bland G-Man. This role incorporates a lot of physical comedy and also allows our boy to look good in a sharp suit. These are your strengths, Ryan. Play to them!
Lee Ving, lead singer of the band Fear, was brilliantly cast as Mr. Boddy in the original. You could probably throw him back in there and no one would blink. But I think a fitting homage would be casting Ice-T in this role.
Originally I was thinking that I’d put Henry Rollins in the role of Mr. Boddy and that felt too on the nose. Then I thought about Ice-T as Mr. Boddy and Rollins as The Cop. AND THEN Tori reminded me that Sam Richardson needs to be cast in all the projects. So I’m plugging Sam in here as The Cop, previously played in an uncredited role by Howard Hesseman, because everything is better when you put Sam Richardson in it.
Finally, we come to Wadsworth. Tim Curry is the treasure of at least two nations. While every member of the iconic original ensemble is brilliantly funny, Curry’s Wadsworth does the lion’s share of keeping the story moving with subtle hilarity and comic grace. There are not a lot of folks who can pull that off. You need someone who is handsome and silly. Someone who can pull off posh, British snobbery while making a bit of a fool of himself. We need an actor who isn’t afraid of taking risks and is someone the audience will gleefully follow through this mishegoss storyline. There’s no one better suited, in my mind, than one of Pajiba’s favorite, pocket-sized boyfriends, Dan Radcliffe. He has proven himself time and time again since being released from Harry Potter so I think RyRy needs to move over and make room for DanRad in this role.