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Lindsay Lohan is the Susan Lucci of Death Pools and the 10 Best Comments of the Week

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | March 2, 2012 |

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | March 2, 2012 |

Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the ten best comments of the week. Comments in reviews are not eligible for inclusion.

There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.

10. Ice Road Hookers. That would be a good one. - MRod

9. I hope he doesn’t bring that baby to an awards show 30 yrs from now. - haplo

8. Also, I want to roll around in Jean Dujardin’s forehead wrinkles. I haven’t seen forehead wrinkles that luscious since Paul Newman died. Yeah, there’s a reason they call it foreplay. - BWeaves

7. “Giant, fake beards haven’t been funny since the Marx Brothers.”

Or until Tom divorces them and they get so Botoxed their toes curl when they try to smile. - Craig

6. I have never seen a black evening gown come with a fleshy kickstand before. Jolie must be wearing the new Red Carpet Line by Schwinn. - bleujayone

5. Hey, let’s reboot the National Lampoon’s Vacation movies. ‘Cause we all know it was the deep mythology, well-structured stories, and the overarching inexorable conclusion that made those movies what they are: the truest examples of American Cinemamanship. When Clark W. Griswold, crushed but ever hopeful, raised his hands in defeat on the Vegas strip and feel to his knees (how did I not notice the mirroring of Felini’s - La Dolce Vita ?!), well, I think we all learned something about ourselves. And I feel that there are still stories to be told in that rich Vacation universe. Carry on, artistes! - pissant

4. Otherwise, feel free to unnecessarily speculate in the comments.

Ooh, ooh…I bet, um, that Cumberbatch is like a super cyborg or something. Like, maybe a descendent of Data from the future who has come back in time to like, destroy the um… wait, they kinda did that with the first reboot, huh. Okay, what if Cumberbatch is a super-powered reality-warping alien version of Clint Howard, but like super good looking and allergic to shiney head-bands. Or, OH OH, maybe he’s that one dude who shows up from time to time who is like a con-artist. The original crew bump into him here and there and he’s not really dangerous, but he’s still kinda shifty and untrustworthy. He was older in the show, and he may or may not have had a mustache, but in this one they’re making everyone super young and sexy anyhow, so why not. Y’know, for the kids.

Yeah. I bet he’s that guy.

You heard it here first, people. - superasente

3. True story: when my son was 3.5yo, i took him on his first (and last)greyhound bus trip. my mother was making the eight hour trip with us. we had gotten off of the first bus, and were waiting for the second bus in a small room with 20 or so of our fellow passengers. this was our conversation:

“i have a penis.”
“yes, son. you have a penis.”

he looks at his baby brother, sleeping on my lap.
“[baby brother] has a penis.”

“yes, son. [baby brother] has a penis.”
“mama, you don’t have a penis.”
“no son, mama doesn’t have a penis.”

he looks at my mother sitting next to me
“does nana have a penis?”
“no son, nana does not have a penis.”

“papa has a penis.”
“yes, son. papa has a penis.”

“papa has a LONG, LONG, BIG penis.”

it was a long trip. - me

2. Crapatar was, and is, nothing but manipulative shove-the-message-down-your-throat propagandistic trash that would’ve gotten the full approval of joseph goebbels.


(nods slowly)


(leans back in chair)

So, you’re fucking insane.

(Puts hands behind head)

Good to know. - God Of Bal-Sagoth

1. Lohan is the Susan Lucci of my Death Pool. - the EPA