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Eloquent Eloquence: Why Are They Giving "Community" the "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" Treatment?

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | June 1, 2012 |

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | June 1, 2012 |

Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the ten best comments of the week. Comments in reviews are not eligible for inclusion.*

* Clarification: Eloquent Eloquence By-Laws Section 2: Eligibility: Sub-Section 9.7: “The Rowles Rule”, hereinafter referred to as The Overlord Emancipation, and I quote:

Comments in Dustin’s “Reviews”, and only Dustin’s “Reviews”, noted as such in the respective article headers, are eligible for inclusion in Eloquence, Eloquent. Readership commentary upon “Reviews” created by other Pajiba staff, real or imagined, are ineligible for inclusion in weekly approbation agglomerati. Contemporaneous expressions of approval, granted freely and with sincere effusiveness, within the strictures of the relevant comment section, or “thread”, and omitting those remarks such as are deemed in violation of the aforementioned standards and practices [cf: Sub-Section 3: Don’t Even] regarding banned words and variations on “sqe*ing”, are encouraged and indeed much appreciated.

There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.

Who needs suggestions for their Cannonball Read?

  • The It’s Just That Kind of Cynicism that Gives Pajiba Its Spice Comment of the Week goes to Amanda6 who is sadly justified in her reaction:

    Of course, even without the marketers themselves touching the competition issue, you can still rely on just about everyone on the internet being required to weigh in about who is hotter.

  • The I Would Have Started with Lasers 8:00 Day One Comment of the Week goes to The Wanderer. Your prize is a bouquet of daffodils and 12 mail order butterflies:

    Devil’s Advocate was a good movie. I liked it because of, not in spite of, Pacino’s gloriously over-the-top performance. Look at it this way: If you’re Satan, and you know it, have some fun.

    My biggest beef with some of the Star Wars films was the fact that no one ever seemed to have any fun with the Force. Had I been a Sith, there wouldn’t have been an unpinched feminine bottom (of whatever species) for at least a mile’s radius.

    Evil baddies should have fun more often in movies.

  • The He Mentioned Cephalopods So I’m Obligated to Include it Comment of the Week goes to BierceAmbrose. I have room for one more under my desk. Who’s with me?:

    Are these ocean creatures just really slow and terrible at conquering Earths?

    Yes. That’s why they’ve been living in the ocean all this time.

    This is all our fault. They were fine living and let live. Their days were full - collecting figurines, doing 8-armed Pilates, vacationing at the volcanic vents & biltz-attacking the occasional unwary megashark for dinner. Then, we dropped the battleship Yamato on their (multiple) heads, and shit got real.

  • The Maths Comment of the Week goes to Toby . He could be wrong though. I didn’t check because I’m a girl and, you know, it’s math(s):

    Bad Pajiba! The picture at the top of this article contains the equation 1782 ^ 12 + 1841 ^ 12 = 1922 ^
    12. But 1782 ^ 12 is 1025397835622633634807550462948226174976,
    1841 ^ 12 is 1515812422991955541481119495194202351681
    and their sum is 2541210258614589176288669958142428526657
    whereas 1922 ^ 12 is 2541210259314801410819278649643651567616 a difference of
    700212234530608691501223040959. If your maths is this dodgy how can I trust your aesthetic judgement?

  • The Is There an Essay Portion as Well? Comment of the Week goes to Miss Laaw-yuhr for seeing what was right in front of us the whole time:

    Happy dance with hand claps! I am glass half-full on him getting this one in the can.

    I also believe that del Toro and Peter Jackson are in a secret contest to see who can look more like a hobbit at any given moment — winner gets to direct the next Tolkein based film.

  • The Is Pazuzu Like Zuzu’s Petals? Comment of the Week goes to Jo ‘Mama’ Besser who is herself being sung at this moment:

    Andy Dwyer? Unsung? So we’re just making shit up now?

    I can’t wait until my newest tome Are You There, Cthulu? It’s Me, Pazuzu wins the Necromonicon’s Teen Choice Award In Nobel Prizing. I think Justin Bieber’s going to sing about single moms, it’s going to be totes fhtagn!

    At this point, anything that isn’t Parks or Community is unsung. My poor Community, now moribund even by Alan Partidge’s standards. You can’t just fire showrunners, look at what happened to Dead Like Me, and you can’t radically whiplash your comedy into something with a ‘broader appeal’ because that’s what they did with Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. They gave him a milquetoast girlfriend, got rid of the magic coat, got rid of Miss Musso’s toadie and made her less evil, nixed his terrible shirts, got rid of his proto-Conan pompadour and changed the name of the show. Bleh, networks never learn.

    Dang, but all of this Archer Talk makes me want to watch ‘Lo Scandalo’, think I’ll do that.

  • The Berets Are Cool and You All Know It Comment of the Week goes to VonnegutSlut , although she really should have left Magnum out of it:

    Regarding the header photo…

    Kidman: “Wait…you’re supposed to be HEMINGWAY? You’re looking a bit like Inspector Clouseau by way of Magnum P.I.—and holy shit! Did my forehead just move?!”

    Owen: “Is that a fucking beret on my head? I know Papa wore one but, christ, I feel Monterey Jack from Chip ‘N Dale’s Rescue Rangers.”

    I’ve got a soft spot for ol’ Cilve, but they should have just hired Corey Stoll…him and his hairpiece from MIDNIGHT IN PARIS.

  • The [This Space Intentionally Left Blank] Comment of the Week goes to Fredo for this new version of Fu*k, Marry, or Kill: Merman, Necrophilia, or Ghost?

    Let me guess, a legendary and powerful immortal falls in love with a bland blank slate.

    I wouldn’t doubt it. Meyer knows only one story and she’s going to be repainting it and refitting it with new sparkly shit to make it appear not the same. After The Host, we’re likely to get:

    The Merman, where an immortal dweller of the oceans falls in love with a young, blank slate during her vacation at Martha’s Vineyard. Can their love endure her lack of oxygen in the depths?

    The Dragon Emperor, where the immortal first Emperor of China is reborn and immediately falls in love with a young, blank slate during her first year of study abroad. Does this fall under necrophilia? Can they make it work while he tries to reconquer his empire?

    The Ghost of Sigmund Freud, where a young blank slate psychology student brings back the spirit of the father of psychoanalysis from the dead to help her study and falls in love with him. But how can they love when they can’t touch? And why does he keep asking for cigars?

  • Bonus: Publisher’s Choice Goes to mrcreosote for bringing some levity to a fucked-up situation:

    Well of course that congregation hates gays. That may be the ugliest group of potato headed genetic freaks I’ve ever seen. And putting a sweater vest on a child? With polyester pants? I know one little fella who’s going to burn in mixed fabrics.

  • The Sometimes the Question Is “Which Comment?” Comment of the Week goes to zeke the pig because he was ON FIRE this week:

    Eddie Redmayne looks like he’s just realised he forgot to pick up his soul from the dry cleaners that morning.

  • The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to SeaKat for failing to keep her big mouth shut. The Ninja WASPS have been dispatched. Grab your pearls and the scotch you drink when no one is watching, and start running!:

    I’m sorry, Pookie, but the answers to those questions are classified under Whitey Handbook, Section 32, Paragraph 12.

    However, if you’d like to know whether we like scarves or Mos Def, that information was released a while back.

    Keep asking questions and you’ll keep getting answers! — Miss Frizzle, White People Icon.

    The Wachowski's Jupiter Ascending Sounds Insane: But What's Jupiter Got To Do, Got To Do With It? | Looking for a Cheap Holiday in Other People's Misery

    Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.