Eloquent Eloquence: Online Death Threats Are Not Surprising. Surprising Is When Those Threats Are Spelled Correctly

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | July 27, 2012 |

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | July 27, 2012 |

Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in reviews are not eligible for inclusion.

There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.

• The Yes, Yes You Are Comment of the Week goes to erich who nonetheless used his overabundance of effort to reach a logical conclusion:

The Batman credit card always seemed like a terrible idea. If the whole point of being a masked avenger is anonymity, then the fact that the billing address can lead to Batman’s secret identity is a bad choice. Even if it goes to a PO Box, Batman or an associate will have to go there to pick up the mail and get the bill. Again, secret identity is exposed.

It might work better now, with online bill pay. [email protected] is a pretty good email address to use while still staying anonymous. But in tha late 90s, that just wasn’t an option.

Or am I overthinking things?

• The Speaking of Overthinking Things Comment of the Week goes to Lizzou for robbing all the breast enthusiasts of their tri-boob joy:

My guess (as someone who has done makeup/bodywork) is that she was cast with a particularly flatchest to begin with, is wearing a binder, and had prostetic breasts attached to that. Then it was blended into the skin comme le grande ‘baldy’ caps of 90’s Halloweens and SNL. Her real boobs are smooshed to high heavens. Mourn for her real boobs

• The This Slot Would Have Belonged to lowercase_ryan, If He’d Found That Photo Comment of the Week goes to this conversation between TK and Dustin Rowles for a glimpse into their secret world of Pajiba Overlordom. Honestly, the whole thread was GOLD!:

DR: This screening is humiliating. Very few people, and we got goodie bags with T shirts and had to have our pictures taken in front of the Abduction Stand Up. It’s being simulcast with the LA premiere and Lautner is taking questions.

TK : That’s the greatest thing I’ve EVER heard. Bet you’re wishing you’d taken me up on my offer now, eh? Fwiw, I’m on the couch with Mrs. TK watching Sherlock.

DR : I kind of do wish I had. Sherlock us a much better option.

TK : You poor bastard. Have fun!

DR : MOTHER OF FUCK. I’m going to have to sit through the entire red carpet premiere simulcast before the movie even starts. This is inhumane. It’s me and about 25 teenage girls.

TK : You have to write about the WHOLE experience. Pleeeease.

DR: They’ve replayed the trailer about 12 times. I’m gonna throw myself through the screen.

TK: Be strong, boss.

DR: I might also mention that though I’m the only guy among a sea of teenage girls, every one of them has 30 - 50 pounds on me. All right I’ll let you to your evening now Taylor Lautner has just now arrived.

DR: Bieber just arrived. Justin fucking Bieber.

TK: Oh. My. God.

aaaaand scene.

• The This Is a Quintessential Pajiba Comment of the Week goes to David Sorenson. Mock and droll indeed:

I’ve spent far too much time reading comments online. I’ve become jaded. I’m not surprised to hear about death threats over media reviews. I’m only surprised when those threats are spelled correctly.

• The But What About the Gay Hipsters? Comment of the Week goes to googergieger, although he did let himself out, so he many never know:

Every time I tell one of the fellow gays I don’t like AbFab they look at me like I just told them I’m secretly Rick Santorum who has been wearing a gay Mexican mask all these years. Then I tell them I like Kyle Minogue and all seems to be forgiven. Though all the hipsters that worship me lose a little of that respect/fear when I admit I like Kylie. Then I bring up my love for Kung Pow: Enter The Fist and my fondness for Kylie seems pretty alright by comparison. I call it building yourself up by building yourself down. It’s kind of Zen in a way where it isn’t at all.

*lets himself out*

• The This Time, There’s Reptiles! Comment of the Week goes to dahlia6 and one of her amazing stories. Don’t worry. She’s probably not going to make you cry:

Mental illness is never portrayed right on TV, or anywhere, for that matter, and good bloody luck getting help for someone who actually has a problem. In my part of hell, its still looked to as more or less some sort of demonic voodoo possession than out of whack brain chemistry. (Side note, Snake Man of Appalachia is filmed in my hometown. Hellllllooooo crazy religious faith healing hour of insanity! We can cure it with snakes!)

Its pretty rampant in my family, too. Mental illness, not snake handling, thank God. We mostly play it off for laughs when we can, because getting help for it is damned near impossible in a culture where people don’t even want to acknowledge it exists. I come from a long line of women who’ve killed their husbands over mental snafus. Both my grandmothers were completely insane. God finally took them out before they had a chance to take over the world. My dad’s mother tried to kill one of her daughter with a kitchen knife, and tried to kill my grandfather 3 times over the course of their 62 year marriage. Once with a knife, once with gun, and one with a cast iron skillet full of bacon. I’ve had a couple of aunts have to “go away for a while” a nice euphemism for someone who’s had a complete breakdown and had to be committed.

As far as I know, I’m pretty normal, meaning I haven’t attempted to kill anyone yet or been committed, but 40 seems to be the breaking point with the ladies in my family. I could about 8 more years before all hell breaks loose.

I hope I do the family proud.

• The Can I Get an “Amen”? Comment of the Week goes to branded_redux for making blasphemy hilarious:

You cannot recreate the biological wheel.

“And God made the biological wheel and made it go round and round all through the town, and it was so.

Then God said, ‘Let there not be wipers, for I find them too swishy and unnatural.’ And it was not so.”

TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin Kind of like your corduroy pants, Branded.

branded_redux “And God said, ‘But of the corduroy pants of good and evil, thou shalt not wear: for in the day that thou wearest thereof thy thighs rubbing whilst be heard throughout creation, and
thou shalt surely die of sweating and embarrassment.’”

• The From Your Mouth to Godtopus’ Ear Comment of the Week goes to TheReinaG. Who else thinks TheReinaG’s rack reward should be TK Real Time Reviews of the Love Hewitt oeuvre?

The most amazing thing about this article is that apparently someone, somewhere once had to present Jennifer Love Hewitt a “Best Actress” award with a straight face. The very idea of that inspires me get through the day, because apparently even if I’m the absolute worst at everything I try and do, maybe one day my rack will be rewarded.

• The I Couldn’t Stop Laughing Comment of the Week goes to IdleRich for this succinct effort to defang a contrarian.

Hey, I ran out of tin foil. Can I borrow some?

• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Miss Laaw-yuhr. I can sing Nine In Nails songs as Ethel Merman. We could totally go on tour:

I am sending this to everyone I know. And I want to start a band called “Clown Rape Whistle”. We would take Insane Clown Posse songs and sing them like we’re Bon Iver or Fleet Foxes.