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Eloquent Eloquence: Jason Statham Gets the Dr. Seuss Treatment

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | April 20, 2012 |

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | April 20, 2012 |

Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the ten best comments of the week. Comments in reviews are not eligible for inclusion.

There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.

The Thread of the Week goes to Dustin’s presciently named Catwoman article.

  • The We Are Now Open For Suggestions from the Floor Comment of the Week goes to JC for his/her response to the bildungsroman adaptation of Sabrina the Teenage Witch:

    “an origin story in the vein of Spider-Man”

    So we now get the female version of the sticky goo metaphor?

  • The Would You Like to Hear Today’s Specials? Comment of the Week goes to Mark (who needs to return some videotapes):

    David can get a reservation to Dorsia.

  • The Get Dustin on the Horn! Comment of the Week goes to John G for making an executive decision whilst being neither an executive, nor a decision:


    You praise Sex and the fucking city? You praise Cougartown? You even praise THE BIG NERDFACE THEORY? And you have the nerve, the unmitigated gall to criticize Sunny? Fuck drinking. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the reason we can smoke crack and leave dead prostitutes in the hallway on TV.

    I talked it over with Dustin, and you’re fired. John G.


    Didn’t I fire you yesterday?? John G.

  • The Let’s Hope That Becomes a Catchphrase Comment of the Week goes to ryan for a little interspecies boomchickawowow:

    I would happily go Galaxy Quest with 2 through 4, don’t care what planet they’re from.

  • The You Stay Classy San Diego Comment of the Week goes to PerpetualIntern for her statement involving a word that I cannot bring myself to say out loud:

    I’m a woman and I HIGHLY enjoy a well-placed fart

  • The You Were on Fire This Week Comment of the Week goes to admin for just about everything he posted, but specifically this:

    The answer is, the movies Dustin watches when his vagina is feeling weepy and he’s in the middle of eating a whole pint of his feelings. admin

  • The Erica Jong Comment of the Week goes to SBrown for her selfless efforts on behalf of gender equality:

    I feel as if my leering at Mr. Olyphant or Daniel Craig — or wanting Joel McHale to take off his shirt for no reason — provides balance to the force. It’s like objectifying men counts as a good deed for the day. How do *you* like it? Huh, buddy??

    Take that objectification.

    You take it real good.

  • The Fingers Crossed Raw Dog Comment of the Week goes to Mrcreosote because it would indeed be really cool:

    I hope the child gets the blue hair. That’s generally a recessive anime gene.

  • The Well-Played and Whiplash Comment of the Week goes to Pookie for warmly welcoming new staff writer Kathy Benjamin:

    Rowles, about time you hired someone that knows how to write about racial issues without bringing their own bullshit to the table. For her first outing Benjamin did a great job, I’m impressed.

  • The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Bert for Doing the Seussified Dozens in honour of the new Statham movie. You’re up next, Random Guys who Statham is going to kill:

    Green Eggs and Statham

    I am an orphaned prodigy,
    Forced to work in crime for free.

    I know a code the mobs all want,
    To ameliorate their criminal jaunt.

    They kidnapped me from off the streets,
    I’d like for you to give them beats.

    I do not like men in a van,
    I do not like them Stath-I-am.

    If you must whip them on a boat,
    Would you throw them in the moat?

    Or maybe off them on a train,
    By ripping out a major vein?

    You’ll also have to kill some cops,
    Their ethics aren’t exactly tops.

    Dismember them with a stolen car,
    And scatter the parts both here and far.

    If you can find a handy knife,
    Please help me out, and take their life.

    We’ll truly foiltheir fiendish plan,
    Thank you, thank you, Stath-I-am!

    Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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