By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | November 12, 2009 |
By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | November 12, 2009 |
OK, I’m writing this while the “ANTM” semifinal plays in the background, so I’m not really here. The tension, the drama, the excite—-yeah, not so much. I’m just kinda keeping an ear open to see what new moronosity (new word!) Tyra comes up with this week, and trying to keep an eye out for rampaging eyebrows. Seriously, some of the brows on these chicks are terrifying and I’m scared that they’ll come after me. Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi, or Tyra Banks will eat me.
It was Butthole Day this week! And Cindy fixed our comments so that they’re uber fast! And there’s been almost zero corrections or ad whining, so either people have nothing to complain about (HA) or I have the ultimate power of ultimateliness (YES)!
I swear, trying to write while under the influence of something like “ANTM” makes my brain go all confetti like and I want to break out dancing and kicking people in the face. Specifically Tyra’s two goons. Does anyone else watch this show? Please back me up here. Tyra destroys brains. I am helpless to watch.
So, buttholes, before I lose whatever little sanity I have left, here is your list!
[We start off with a collection of the best Butthole posts from that day]
10. *pulls out pom-poms, dons cheerleader uniform*
Better than a Cohiba!
Makes movie news, real or fake!
Has Eloquent Eloquents for Godtopussy’s sake!
Get the booze,
Get the guns,
Get the Murder…….Tank!
Gets you revved up better than Crank!
Yes, dammitjanet, but(thole) are those splits all across the dance floor?
—Anna von Beaverpuppet
[ouch on your butthole]
You know what I just HATE about Butthole day?
After all of the merriment, the camaraderie, the gifts and feasting, there is the problem of what to do with all of the leftover Butthole. —Lindsey with an ‘e’
[I had to clean all of it up. No joking. I’m the one who had to read ‘butthole’ like 30,000 times that day and I tell you that that was not good for the ol’ empty space in my head.]
…And my favorite:]
The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone! No Butthole! No Butthole sandwiches! No Butthole salad! No Butthole gravy! Butthole Hash! Butthole a la King! Or gallons of Butthole soup! Gone, ALL GONE! —laredo
9. An ass fine enough to make me give up meat would have to be better than bacon. While such an ass could exist in theory, and quantum physicists at the Hadron Collider are reportedly close to creating such an ass at the molecular level, science has yet to uncover such an ass in practice. Moreover, the world is full of women with incredible asses who share my love of bacon. Many of them frequent this very website. Thus, though Ms. Serratos does indeed possess a fine hinder, she does not cross the Bacon Horizon and so I cannot accept her basic premise of her hypothesis. —Tracer Bullet
[long live bacon! Down with bacon hatin’ little bitches with small asses!]
8. Yeah, you’ve got the good actors, Rowles. You’ve also got Celine Dion, Avril Levigne, Sum 41 and Pamela Anderson.
You bitches don’t steal anything from us. we allow you to use them as when the inevitable invasion comes, they’ll be the ones that tear you fuckers apart from the inside. Look at you Rowles, you’d happily disown your entire family if it meant that you could get your fake maple syrup chugging ass on Ryan’s abs. It’s all part of the plan, motherfucker.
2012: The Hat Strikes Back —admin
[full disclosure: I sorta stopped reading after ‘maple syrup’ and ‘abs’]
7. No film could ever come close to the cinematic magic created by the Disney Corporation in Care Bears Nutcracker Suite. That is televised crack. It’s my first TV memory and I watched my family’s VHS tape, with commercials, till I had the whole thing memorized, down to music cues and formula commercials. No way Zemekis could top that. —Robert
[I like to think that, one day, I will be able to bring out a comment like this to Robert and somehow destroy him. Not that I would, because I really like Robert, but you know. Insurance.]
6. Raisin Bran: An independent release starring a bunch of Middle-American nobodies. Here’s the plot in a nutshell: There’s some overweight forty-something with a lazy eye and a stuffed armadillo who sits on the concrete steps of a run-down tanning salon; a pair of kids in leg braces who chuck rocks at a burnt refrigerator; a teenage girl with Down syndrome who knits God’s eyes out of popsicle sticks and yarn pulled from the sweater of her dead Grandmother; a fifteen-minute shot of a soggy bowl of Kellogg’s Raisin Bran with a drowned mouse in it backed by the sounds of people screaming racial slurs; and finally, a three-legged dog pissing on a Missouri state flag while getting dry humped by the lazy eyed fellow from the opening scenes of the film.
Directed by Harmony Korrine and financed with money that could’ve been better spent on determining the effects of Mallow Fluff on the fur of cancerous lab rabbits. Fuck Gummo… —Skitz
[Next, The best Board Game Movie ideas, that Hollywood needs to make RIGHT NOW]
5. Scrabble…with dyslexia! And lava. —Ian
Hungry Hungry Hippos: as a deep psychological thriller. —BarbadoSlim
Settlers of Clitoris
Sorry: I have the Clap —“luker” the barbarian
4. Well, not to brag, but the script based on my Twitter account “Shit my panda says” has been optioned for a movie deal. As you can imagine, it’s an erotic thriller. —jM
jM, sweetie, just because you put a rose on the table next to the ceiling harness, it doesn’t mean your “movie” is now an erotic thriller. —Vermillion
[And now that mental image is forever imprinted in your brains as well. You’re welcome.]
3. Um … fill in the ones I can’t do.
A is for Admin who was buried in snow
B is for Bslim killed by hookers and blow
C is for Cindy
D is for Dustin
E is for Esme
F is for Figgy
G is for George gunned down by the fuzz
H is for Human Centipede who died JUST BECAUSE
I is for Idleprimate who fell down the stairs
J is for jM assaulted by bears
K is for Kballs who was hit with a tree
L is for Lindsey who took two tablets of “e”
All I really wanted to do was get to jM. Though I also really like
S is for Sofia who was smothered by tits —Lauren
[JUST BECAUSE. I think you guys should fill out the rest!]
2. The flying monkeys flew out of the Wicked Witch’s boobs. Seriously.
Clarification here: the above described phenomenon is known as boob monkeys. It’s not related at all to Monkey boobs, which are the opposite of banana boobs, most common amongst the elderly. —Sunsneezer
1. uh Jennifer Hudson tainted NOTHING , she EARNED EVERY award she won for Dream girls.. hating on her accomplishments is not gonna guarantee Monique anything… Jennifer worked so hard to get to where she is and I love it.. She’s more likable and appeals to more people than Monique does.. haters I tell ya.. I’m not interested in this movie and no I did not real all you wrote.. —LEA
Wow, Kanye’s really calmed down. Only three words in all caps. —Jim Doggie
[Note: Out of curiosity, I looked up the details on this comment, and found out — unsurprisingly — that it came from a Google search for Jennifer Hudson. — DR
And in one fell swoop Jim Doggie not only managed to oust Kanye as he lurked amongst us lowly commenters trying to hide behind his moronic sunglasses (leading some to think LEA was Jennifer Hudson’s mother), but he also managed to crack me the hell up after reading Prisco’s beautiful but heartbreaking review of Precious. Huh. That was a long-ass sentence.
But hurrah! Congratulations, Jim Doggie, you win a puppet version of Kanye West that pops out behind your shoulder every few minutes going “IMMA LET YOU FINISH!” and “BENJAMIN BUTTONS SHIT” and interrupting you at every turn. You are welcome, I don’t give out that prize to just anyone, you know. But you are a special pretty snowflake and deserve it. Do a little dance and go punch a starlet in the kidney. Or real a book.
And I’m gonna go sleep because I’m getting seriously incoherent. Keep your eyes open because something awesome will happen next week.
See you next week!
Figgy lives in Honduras, is kinda incoherent most of the time. One of her life goals is to learn how to smile with her eyes. You can read her blog at where she’s still trying to finish Cannonball 1 book reviews.