By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | June 25, 2009 |
By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | June 25, 2009 |
There is one essential truth to Pajiba and our commenters that every new visitor needs to know:
We are a bunch of sexually deprived psychos.
Jesus H. [for Herbert] Christ , people. There is no story, no review, no news item that won’t descend into an orgiastic feast of lewdness and innuendo(in-your-endo!). The Freebies post is getting out of control (don’t forget to vote! I will mention your name in the next EE if you vote for Jon Hamm!), with a whopping 571 comments as I write this. And no, I am not reading through that. That’s Dustin’s punishment, because the Powers That Be just can’t let a person be truly happy. Karma is a bitch and all that.
No, really, the poor thing. First he’s all overjoyed about Ryan Reynolds’ all-but-nudie-pics being all over the place, then he got us all to agree that yes, his mancrush is indeed a dreamboat, then he watched The Proposal twice, and he got to interview the writer. It’s every reviewer’s dream! Our fearless leader was almost prancing with joy. You could tell.
And then Michael Bay came along and burst the bubble with his tiny penis (he had to try twice … you know, because it’s so tiny and flaccid). And we paid for it. With a Zac Efron wake-up call and stories of dead pets. Can you blame Dustin for it? Damn you, Michael Bay. Damn you to hell. One day you will burn. In slow-motion. There will be a great cry through all Pajibaland, and the people SHALL. BE. FREE. And we shall have an orgy and everyone will be there and we’ll have Kushes and—-
Err. So. Aside from the multiple underwear-explosions and the Michael Bay overload, it was a fun week. We have a bunch of new guest writers, we’re getting more TV reviews, and everyone’s getting a chance to fantasize about their freebies as we stick it to the ridiculous “entertainment” magazines who keep insisting that McCounagheyheyheythereprettylady, Rainbow Killer and S’Efron are “sexy.” We shall prove them wrong. What else do you want? Oh! Also, we seem to have Tracer Bullet, Cindy and Optimus Rhyme working on a brand new line of As-Seen-On-Pajiba Products, inspired by the Ass Swiffer, coming to you soon for the cheap price of $2 and a nudie pic. It will be grand.
On to the good stuff!
10. Jesus H Christ, I thought it was Teddy- motherfucking-Ruxpin, and my heart siezed up in my chest and fell into my feet and my mouth went dry and my palms got all cold and sweaty …
Teddy-Motherfucking-Ruxpin is scary as fuck. I hate that motherfucker. And I don’t care if they named that thing from the trailer “Gooby”, that is goddamn TEDDY-MOTHERFUCKING-RUXPIN and he just wants to eat my soul and also my face. — Cletus
[Teddy Ruxpin really was terrifying. But imagine this: my cousin had one when we were kids. It spoke English. We didn’t. So, the bastard was not only terrifying, but to us, he spoke in tongues. Beyond horrible.]
9. Wow! That’s a step beyond the normal kiddie cartoons. Thanks for the introduction. Now for a general beef. WHY DO FEMALE ALIENS ALWAYS HAVE PROMINENT BOOBS? Why don’t they have udders every now and then? Udders are sexy. I’ve seen them in action. On Halloween, a lady where I work wore a cow costume to work. It was a big, baggy, black and white spotted jumpsuit with a hood and ears, and had a big plastic pink udder with hard, erect teats attached around the groin area. Despite the fact that this was the least sexy costume you can imagine, EVERY man in the office asked if he could touch the “them.”
By the way, “teats” are pronounced “tits.” That’s why they’re called “tits.” It annoys me when people pronounce it “teets” like it’s some foreign body part. —BWeaves
[*giggle* She said “teat”. *snort* Also, I wonder if the aliens need a Kush.]
8. Carrie, Canadians turn orange when they live in the US for too long. It’s due to a lack of maple syrup and poutine in their diets. We have to return once every three years or else we turn into self bronzing Jersey-douches. It is known as The Great White Pilgrimage. -admin
[Anything related to Ryan Reynolds this week had some great comments. So I, for one, absolute adore Dustin’s obsession. So there.]
7. I’m there. Only thing that could have made this cooler would be if the tainted blood had somehow been in the communion cup …Which brings a bit of theology to mind: Catholics believe that at communion the wafer and the wine really, actually, become the body and blood of Jesus. So … what if every week dozens of vampires lined up at the 10 p.m. mass for a drink, with the priest trying to save their souls? THAT would be an interesting visual and make for a neat theological argument. “Doubt II: Vampire Boogaloo”?
Somebody else can whip up a script, my work here is done. — (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy)
[Blasphemilicious! I know I said I was sick of vampires but, come on. I’d watch that. Happy now, buc?]
6. I can just see the reviews now:
“Shit blows the fuck up! What a fucking masterpiece!” - Dodger Q*bert
“It was so good, I was ‘Fallen’ out of my pull-ups!” - Jeen Shit
“The robots are fighting! The robots are FIGHTING!” - TV GUIDE
“LARGE TEXT NO SPACE BAR NUMB3RS!!! - The Internet
“Michael Bay has […] a babydick the size of your little toe.” - Pajiba -annoyingmouse
[And that is why we love Pajiba so much.]
5. Wanna hook up with movie star hot model, he’s sexy abs, just join the best and largest bi-curious movie reviewer dating club: ____cinemageekconnect.c o m____ , We bring together critic and actor singles from USA, UK, Canada, Australia, Europe and more. Specializing in snarky hunks who havnt reached their potential. Come on, have a try! Join for FREE. -spamabot
[I don’t know who that was, but my hat is off to you, sir or madam. That was beautiful.]
4. Then, if I had any questions, I should come tell her and she’d go get me bigger book.
I remember having a similar conversation, only my mom said that it’s not the size of the book. She said how well-written, thorough prefaces make books more enjoyable to read. Then she mentioned how my dad likes to skip straight to the epilogue and fall asleep immediately. No wonder she went to the library so much. What was I talking about? -branded
3. Lucky you. I can still hear them and now I also have Informer stuck in my head.
What the fuck does: “a licky boom-boom down” mean anyway? —admin
admin: It indicates he employed the oral section, or front two-thirds (as opposed to the posterior pharyngeal section) of his tongue in a downward motion upon her “boom boom,” which is a common euphemism for both nouns and verbs dealing with sexual acts or body parts involved with sex acts.
However, the “a” that precedes the phrase “licky boom-boom down” indicates that this is a noun phrase. In this case, “licky” could be adjectival, modifying a compound noun, “boom-boom down.” Alternately, both “licky” and “boom-boom” may be adjectival, modifying “down.” But that moves “down” from a directional preposition to a noun, changing the meaning to a salivating, explosive pile of pillow stuffing.
Pretty sure that’s what he meant. -Sharon
[I love that response so much I want to buy it one of our new Pajiba products. Maybe one of these others:]
2. Men, do you find the Underpants Dragon escapes when you sleep on your side? Do you spent the night tossing and turning, trying desperately to find a comfortable position for the Crawlin’ Kingsnake? You’ve tried strapping it. You’ve tried tucking it. But nothing seems to work!
New, from the makers of the Ass Swiffer (TM) and My Face (TM), comes La Derriere (TM)! Simply park your Pants Shark between these two warm, inviting globes and never worry about penile slippage ever again!
“I never could figure out to do with my Wedding Equipment while I slept. I tried everything, but nothing worked until I tried La Derriere (TM)! Now my Man Hammer rests between the cheeks of La Derriere (TM) and I rest easy! Thanks, La Derriere (TM)!
Ergonomically engineered by some of the finest surgeons in Beverly Hills, La Derriere (TM) is designed to gently swaddle your Magic Johnson in pillowy softness.
“Now my meat has its very own meat locker! Thanks, La Derriere!”
La Derriere (TM) is not sold in stores, but you have your very own La Derriere (TM) for the cost of a large diamond ring, an exotic sports car or a pepperoni pizza (New Jersey customers only)! Act now! —Tracer Bullet
[Tracer and our #1 were battling it out all week. But I think the world knew, as soon as these comments went up, who was going to take home the prize. And though “Crawling Kingsnake” would’ve won any other week, it couldn’t beat our #1. In fact, both these comments were so perfect that I couldn’t pick just one. Thankfully they were both made by the same person, so it’s not like I have to split a prize or cheat the way I usually do. But you really need to read both.]
1. Comment one:
We’re the sensation, sweepin’ Fox nation- The station, Believin’ in creation, makin’ a donation to the GOP foundation.
It’s a temptation, to believe in deflation. But we step back, fix that.
AND EXPORT DEMOCRACY TO THIRD WORLD NATIONS!
*Other guy jumps in*
Yo Yo! We’re the big white guys takin’ our country back.
That’s why we gave AIDS to all the blacks.
*Awkward Silence* —Optimus Rhyme
[He lived up to his name, huh? And just…together with the Transformer madness, it’s almost like fate. Here’s the winner.]
The true meaning of the word Pajiba is a tale most sinister. It began with 4 friends — Dustin Rowles, Jeremy C. Fox, Ranylt Richildis and their Latino chum Pajiba Vendejo. They would summer in the woods of New England, trading pop cultural tidbits and vocabulary words. They shared countless unforgettable summers.
But that all ended in the summer of 1998.
A new show premiered called “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place”. It seemed harmless, a fun breezy show coasting along on the charm of its leads. And yet, such a humble show changed their lives forever.
Pajiba began to mock the show mercilessly, especially the charismatic character “Berg”. The others laughed and laughed as Pajiba insulted his looks and his hair. As Pajiba moved on to his physique, a scrotum-tightening shriek pierced the air. Before the others could stop him, Dustin had pinned Pajiba down and was choking him.
With strength enhanced by pure rage (and half a hard-on) Dustin took young Pajiba’s life.
The three friends vowed to never speak of this travesty, and to honor his memory. In time, Dustin devoted this site to his dearly departed friend, if not for his memory, than only to help him sleep at night.
The three friends would meet every year to renew their vow of silence and speak fondly of him. However, Dustin became jaded and arrogant as the years went by. He forgot his friends and began to disappear into his work. But Pajiba would have his revenge. One by One, Pajiba is making them disappear. Only time will tell when Rowles will be next. —Optimus Rhyme
*stares in awe*
I want to make this into a manifesto, and I want to frame it, and hang it on the front door of Pajiba, and then make it into a pamphlet that I can distribute to anyone who ever asks me what “Pajiba” means. I love that comment. I love that story. I love that the planets came together this week so that a rhyming Transformer would win the EE. I swear, Dustin, I didn’t do it on purpose.
So congratulations, OJR (the J stands for “Jammin’”, right?) you win! And for a prize you will get …Transformers! HA. Just kidding. I couldn’t do that to you or Dustin. You’re getting Transformers: The Movie. The original. Orson freakin’ Welles voicing. It’s a 1986 (were you even born then?) classic, and you will love it. Send your info to dustin at pajiba dot com.
See you next week. Don’t forget to vote for your freebies, and go join the facebook group. We have fun there.
— Figformers: Robots in disguise.