LOLCats vs. The Human Centipede

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | February 4, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | February 4, 2010 |

Oh, it’s like the world has finally started up again! The Oscar nominations are out, the “SNUUUUUUUB” screaming is out and of course the Show Where Mostly Naked Men Running Around the Beach Shirtless and Other Stuff Happens Too has started again! And I could go on and on about it just to annoy Jay some more but he’ll threaten me with that curly-haired Dr. Who weirdo and really that’s a pretty weak weapon and I don’t want him looking more pathetic. Yes, I know it’s not Dr. like Dr. House, M.D, I just want to get the Whosies all riled up (is that what you call yourselves? It’s what I’ll call you). But yes, Pajibans take their TV very seriously. As well as the geekyness and the…the cats. I’ll say the cats or Dustin will bring up the Centipede again. He’s so touchy.

So it was a pretty busy week, and the comments were no exception. I’ll get down to it so I can go back to my new Wednesday night activity: watching the puppy cam. Quick story: I showed the link to my Twilight-loving, Hello-Kitty-adoring sister and she said it was lame. I think she’s adopted, because, hello. I felt honestly insulted.

Anyway. Here’s your 10!

Oh, and check out the brilliant discussion on 500 Days of Summer. It’s definitely worth a read, even if you (like me) haven’t watched the movie.

Let’s start with a beauty, left on the Razzie Nominations thread:

10.5 how dare you!!!!!!!! you r a monster new moon was amazing and taylor lautner is a very very very good actor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why did you nominate him???????????!!!!!!!!!????????!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!! —twilight fan

[I love this. LOVE it. Whether it’s someone going incognito or better yet, a real Twihard that somehow got lost on a google search and ended up here of all places, reading the Razzie noms. What’re the chances! It’s like finding the Sasquatch at a Jamba Juice!]

10. I think that obviously if Bigelow wins an Oscar, that means that GENDER INEQUALITY NO LONGER EXISTS! WE’VE KILLED IT! WHOOO! Kathryn Bigelow: the white Obama. With boobs. —SaBrina

[Heh. Yeah…]

9. The … Cape? That was the best they could do? It took a roomful of adults to come up with … The Cape. Why not The Jockstrap or The Merkin? Hell, my daughter named herself Chocolate Wondergirl earlier this week AND SHE’S 5. —Tracer Bullet

[That’s an awesome name for a superhero. You’re a comic book nerd, get working on a Chocolate Wondergirl comic!]

8. Just so long as the werewolf tears the throats out of at least 20 people at the senior prom in revenge for getting picked on while in human guise. The entire werewolf fable is built around man’s animalistic, savage nature after all - this movie would be a lot better if it were darker and a tad bloody.

Oh, and if the werewolf sparkles in any way I’m calling up Osama to come out of retirement - I hear he spent last Christmas as a department store Santa in Sandusky, Ohio. -The Wanderer

[That made me snort.]

7. Back to the Future IV: where Doc and Emo Marty have to battle a genetically engineered Super Biff, the vengeful ghost of Krispen Glover, and for some reason Mr. Freeze, to … do something with the thing … whatever, we’ll worry about the script later. Just make the poster and enough footage for a trailer, now! —Leftylad

[now, from the thread where Dustin suggested adding profanity to movie titles made them infinitely better:]

6. Goddamn Yankees

Mr. Wooden Cock

Hand Cock

Batman Begins Fucking Your Shit Up

Queer as Fuck

The Fucked Up Case of Benjamin Button

Patton: A Tough Son of a Bitch

Fuck You, Charlie Brown

Schindler’s List of Kykes

El laberinto del fauno que jode

Octopussy

Meet the Fuckers

Live Free or Fuck You

Twelve Pissed-Off Men

Raging Bullshit

Olboy Fucks His Daughter, Holy Shit

She’s Gotta Have Cock —frank

[yow. There’s even a Spanish one in there]

5. A friend of mine and I, after getting drunk and attempting to watch The Christmas Cottage [there isn’t enough alcohol in the WORLD], decided that all of Peter O’Toole’s facial expressions in that movie could be described thusly: Peter O’Toole does not approve of this Smurf skullfuckery.

It has become our joke whenever something happens we do not approve of, and this, dear Eloquents, is exactly one of those situations.

Peter O’Toole does not approve. —SavageCats

[How about Peter O’Toole Does Not Approve of this Smurf Smurfuckery? Wait, that sounds gross.]

4. mfff brff frff mrrfff —-Human Centipede - Segment Two

[I KNOW. I KNOW. I’m sorry! Really! I just HAD to!]

3. I applaud any of use the word “fecund”. You have to say it in a certain way too, with the appropriate gravitas. THE HANDS OF THE BRANGWEN MEN CLUTCH THE FECUND SOIL!

Also, I once saw something nasty in the woodshed. —Jay

[Verily, fecund is a great word.]

2. My Irish grandmother had 17 children. She lived to be a healthy-enough 97.

But I imagine it’s a good thing there was no camera crew recording her family life…
My Grandad (*wheedling*): Please, darlin’? Cuddles?

My Grandma: Feck off, ye drunken eejit! Thanks to you and the feckin’ Pope, I have to put a spud up me fanny to keep my womb in!

Or words to that effect. —tarn

[And now our #1! This week it was a triple-hitter. I really shouldn’t give it to him because now I’ll never fucking hear the end of it and his ego will explode with enough power to destroy his island nation, but oh what the hell. He deserves it]:

1. Seriously, TLC should just drop all pretense and change their name to Breeder & Midget Channel. —BarbadoSlim

[He would’ve won with that alone. But then…]

When is someone going to tell the REAL Amelia story? The one where she was having an affair with Charles Lindbergh. An affair that ended badly leading to Amelia kidnapping Lindbergh’s kid and taking him to Russia where she lived the rest of her days, first as Lenin’s concubine and then Stalin’s. —BarbadoSlim

I can see that. I’m also thinking Zac Efron as a young Lenin, with a Morgan Freeman cameo as Trotsky. —BarbadoSlim

********

Congratulations, you gigantic ball of rage and righteous fury. As a price, I give you a customized bullhorn with three settings that each shout out a different Bslim ragephrase: a) DAMN YOU ABRAMS, b) STAR TREK WAS A TRAVESTY, c) DUSTIN I HATE YOU. Maybe I can also fit a squirt gun on it. Or a little flag that says “KHAAAAAAAAAAN!” and you can point it at things. Anyway, enjoy it, and please call back your goons, I’m not scairt of yous.

That’s it for this week. I’ll go read some more recaps of The Show With the Hot Indian Guy Who Does Things on The Beach With Some Other People, There’s a Polar Bear and Stuff.

And the puppy cam.

Figgy now rages in the Dallas jungle. She lounges about trying to manage the culture shock by partaking of ridiculously cheap fast food and much barbeque. Yee-haw.