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A PG-13 Alien? Does It Cuddle People to Death?

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | October 18, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | October 18, 2010 |

It was an insane week, this last one, and I could go on and on about how horrible work was and how my arms were covered in bruises, but then I’d feel like a whiner. Because 33 Chilean miners were rescued from the bottom of a mine after spending 70 days down there, including 17 when no one knew they were alive and they had to exist on like, crackers and bad mine water. That puts shit into perspective, people. So this whole week as I came home with aching limbs because the retail world (oh, retail! That’s sooo important!) is turning into a madhouse with the holidays approaching, all I had to do was think “Hey, at least I’m not stuck at the bottom of a mine” and I’d feel a little bit better about my minor problems. And yeah, perspective. So as we all watched that and cried, and “30 Rock” had a live episode (HAMM!) and new movies and whatever, it was a very busy week. It’s kind of a shock after doing not much at all for two years. But the point is: at least we’re not stuck in a mine. Or have hooks for hands.

So let’s all celebrate that. I don’t really have much to say aside from that, other than I have a beef stew cooking and I can’t spend all my time with you people. I already read (almost) every comment you post, what else do you want from me? Now give me a pumpkin.

Here’s your list:

10. Hey kids! Have you eaten something lately that just doesn’t agree with you? Would you feel better if you could just vomit it up and get it out of your stomach once and for all? Tried everything including ipecac and still just can’t get ANY relief? Try the new treatment from Dr. Seth MacFarlane - Teddy Bear! Just one dose will have you throwing up every bit of food in your digestive tract!

TRY IT TODAY! —stardust

[Yep, watching anything by McFarlane is a good way to purge, gonna suggest that to all my friends next time they’ve eaten something bad.]

9. A PG-13 Alien? Does it cuddle people to death? —Simon

[I just love the mental image there. “Rawr! I’m gonna feed him, and pet him, and love him, and I’m gonna call him George!”]

8. What, no Pong on this list?

Imagine it:

Ball, a teenager from a rough and tumble upbringing, decides to enter the fighting ring to make enough money to send his mother for the rounding surgery she so desperately needs. (She hasn’t rolled since the terrible stomping accident of 1986.)

Ball spends months training for the match, using various untraditional training methods - rolling through the gutters, darting out into traffic and back, and chugging a glass full of eggs. He conquers his fear and gets into the ring.

Will Ball win the match? Will his mother roll again?

Will this movie be better than 99% of the movies released next year?

I say YES! —mswas

[I say hell yes. But you need a plot where he bounces between houses who each kick him to the other.]

7. Rumble [The Transformer] is a piece of viral software that plays the Black Eyed Peas “Right Now” and Katie Perry’s “California Girls” endlessly in Bumblebee’s head. He’s been renamed “Earworm”. —mrcreosote

[Man, it’s depressing to think that kids today can watch old-school Transformers and wonder what the fuck Rumble is turning into, isn’t it?]

6. That whole movie was based on nothing but lies! Now, who wants to make me a sandwich? —Mark Zuckerberg

That whole movie was totally true! I hate women! I hate swimmin’! But I LOVE swimmin’in women!

I’m still waiting for my sandwich. And it better be a manwich. None of those pussy lady sammiches. —Mark Zuckerberg 2.0

[That post generated an interesting discussion, as is usual when the talk turns to gender and feminism. Even though I still agree wholeheartedly with Courtney, go read all of it if you have the time, it’s interesting.]

[This one was on the post about Javier Bardem’s new movie, and how much RDJ looks like him.]

5. Now all we need is some news about Jeffrey Dean Morgan to really get the heads scratching.

…aaaaaand my panties just exploded. —Nora Borealis

[HA! As good a way to change the outdated ‘bunk’ thing as I’ve ever seen. Also it puts dirty, dirty thoughts in my mind. Also this has nothing to do with anything, but I had a dream with RDJ in it last night. He was shirtless a lot. Here’s where you get jealous.]

[Here’s a comment that’s not funny, but it’s beautifully eloquent. For those of you who don’t know, Sofia is from Chile. Also, she is awesome and my Chola life partner.]

4. What admin said is true. A lot of people were bothered by the fact that so many Chileans, including our president, thanked God for the success of the rescue mission. In some cases, it was the same people who complain about religious people oppressing them.

The mission was a massive technical feat, flawless and perfectly executed. But there was something else in the air as soon as we got that first proof of life from the inside of the mine. Hope, relief, whatever you wanna call it. It was bigger than everyone involved. For some people it was love, for others it was God, and for others it was both.

We’re happy and proud. I’m not particularly religious, but I’m amazed at what faith can do for the human spirit. Faith kept those men alive and gave them the will to be patient. Some people meditate, others jog, others knit. The miners prayed. Maybe it’s not what many of us would’ve done, but I say do whatever works to keep you alive. —THE Sofía

3. Dustin, I think we’ve seen through the Jackass saga, a modern take on Freud’s stages of childhood development. Consider:

Jackass the Movie became notorious to its fanbase for all the naked buttocks that it portrayed. I believe the common phrase went “Man, they showed a lot of manass in that movie.” Clearly a display of the anal stage.

Jackass Number 2 ratcheted things up by having scenes where a snake bites down on a penis and even more frontal nudity. Again, it’s obvious that this one discusses the phallic stage of development.

And obviously, by your review up above, it’s impossible to miss how Jackass 3D is a clear-cut representation of the anal stage of development. The Jackass crew are as children, enthralled by the anus and all the things that come out of it…and can go into it.

Somewhere up above, I feel that Sigmund Freud is imagining that this is what he meant all along and puffing on a cigar going “When is Bam Margera finally going to sleep with his mother?” —Fredo

[For this one, check out the trailer for “Drive Angry.” Anyway, it’s about Nicholas Cage, and he…drives angry, or something. Anyway. Bonus points if you get the reference, though if you don’t, then you should feel ashamed. ]

2. Was anyone else hoping for a groundhog at the wheel?

I guess that would be the trailer for Don’t Drive Angry. —Mrs. Julien

[I cracked up *hard* at that one, because every single time I think about that scene in Groundhog Day, I lose it completely. And yes, it would be so much better a movie if Nic Cage were driving around with a groundhog.]

1. Is there a career bonus points chart? No? Then here goes:

Oscar = 100 points
Emmy = 75 points
Tony = 75 points
Grammy = 50 points

EGOT = 200 bonus points

You lose/gain over 40 pounds for a role = 25 points.

Go full retard = 30 points (Jim Carrey is exempt because that’s his natural state)

Co-star with Katherine Heigl and not get a backhanded “compliment” = 20 points.

Your next movie grosses more money after starring with Adam Sandler = 25 points.

Your TV show on FOX survives 1 season = 10 points, 20 additional points for every season after that

If you performed at Woodstock and still releasing music today = 50 points

If that music is any good = 100 points

If your novel/comic/graphic novel is adapted to a movie/TV show = 100 points

Double bonus points if movie made from novel/comic/graphic novel is rebooted less than 5 years after original movie/TV show

If your movie/TV show/comic/novel/graphic novel deals with vampires/zombies/or time travel or any combination thereof = -500 points

It your movie trailer has a real cool scene that doesn’t end up in the final theatrical cut of the movie = -1000 points —John W


I just loved that one too much to not give it the #1. Congratulations, John W! As a price, you get to use your point system for every Oscar winning actor ever, or a list of 100 artists of your choice. Yay, it’s the gift that keeps on giving! Have fun for the next 10 years.

So that’s it, let’s go kick this week in the nuts, because, well, Monday’s just a bitch and I hate it. See you next week!

Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX, and she wants you to make it work.. You can read more of her ramblings at her blog or follow her on twitter.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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