Every time one of you kind (or not) souls posts a comment on one of my articles, I get an email. Through 360 days of 2010, I’ve received something in the neighborhood of 6000 messages. I read every single one of them, largely because I honestly think that if someone goes to the trouble of reading something I wrote and then takes the time to write something in response, then I owe it to them to read it. In all seriousness, I never cease to feel both lucky and astonished that I get to write here, and that all of you take the time to read my words.
[Cleans stupid dust out of eye]
Of course, there are also the spam comments, which shine with their own sickly light. There’s something of a train wreck quality to some of the spam that makes them impossible to look away from. There’s an almost poetic lilt to the mismatched words and strange punctuation that makes me read some of them over and over again as if they’re the products of beat poets so deranged that they’ve wrapped back around brain damage to genius.
Here are the best spam comments I received in 2010, and yes any weird spellings or extra spaces have been preserved in all their malignant glory. The name of the post is in parentheses. And if any of the following are actually the work of real commenters, then I do not apologize, nay, I salute their majestic artistry.
I was just told about my redundancy today so I am now officially unemployed. Your post, however, gave me something interesting to think about. Thanks for the post! -Lawrence Neiswander (Babies Trailer, 13 months after the initial post)
Lawrence went on a rampage at his former employer’s the next day. He was found with a copy of Catcher and the Rye and a print out of this trade news post.
I realise this isn’t a very good comment but it made me smile! -Margret Rothman
(Doctor Who End of Time, 11 months later)
I live for your smile Ms. Rothman.
I am deeply touched by what you wrote in this article. -Aaron Sablock
(Paranormal Activity Sequel, 2012 Sequel, Risk Movie Trade News Post)
I really put my soul into that trade news post.
I believe that may be a fascinating element, it made me suppose a bit. Thanks for sparking my thinking cap. Occasionally I am getting so much in a rut that I just really feel like a record. -One International
(The Other Guys Trailer, 6 months later)
My goal in posting trailers is always to spark thinking caps and make people feel like records.
We are happy to invite you to submit yours sites to the internet directory. -business link directory
Dustin! The invite finally came! We’re going to be in the internet directory! Suck it AICN!
You sure have some disagreeable persuasions and orientations. Your blog tell a novel perception at the theme. -kajaki
Yeah, but I own my disagreeable persuasions.
I would like to say that it is fine to know that someone talked sense about it. -Chauncey Grubbs
(Spiderman 4, Paranormal Activity 3, Men in Black 3)
Thank you Mr. Grubbs.
When I first read out this I was real disappointed but the more I think about it the more I’m persuaded of this. -Lesley Pontonio
(Paranormal Activity Trailer, over a year after it was posted)
I’m glad that after a year of pondering this trailer you’re finally persuaded that it is indeed a trailer.
I’ve been checking around #hostname and actually am amazed by the great content here. I work the night shift at my job and it really gets boring. I have been coming right here for the past couple of nights and reading. I simply wanted to let you know that I have been delighted with what I’ve seen and I cannot more. -Hiram Svenson
Hey dipshit, learn to code before running the spam script you downloaded. We here at #hostname can see right through that level of amateurism.
You are my hero! I have been looking all week for something such as this to use in a paper I will be writing. -Wendy Matye
(Wolverine 2 Is On)
I seriously want to read this term paper.
I think that much of modern-day articles don?t have so many essentialpoints as this one. I can?t wait for the something more. -Lashawn Buckley
(Spiderman 4, Paranormal Activity 3, Men in Black 3)
Well, in my defense, that was the Saint Crispin’s Day speech of random trade news posts about sequels.
Agreed, very well written and can’t wait for the second half.
(12 times in 5 days on 9 different trade news posts)
I don’t do encores.
Very detailed post would it be OK if i translate into Italian for my sites readers? Thanks -Giovanni Adcock
There were requests on other trade news posts to translate into Polish and Finnish. Because we’re HUGE in Europe.
Una de las mejores Web con contenido bisexuales con blogs relacionado con el mundillo y realizado puntualmente por visitantes y usuarios de nuestra web. -Librada Arcadipane
(What Do Amber Tamblyn, Ray Stevenson and Zombies have in Common?)
You had me at bisexuales.
You are a very clever person! -Ramiro Swansen
(V Already Dying, a year after the original post)
Sometimes when I’m sad and lonely, I pretend spam like this is from real people.
Uhm… I don’t really know what to think…
(13 times one day)
Then the spambot waited for a week before launching this message over fifty times over a four day period:
Uhm… I don’t really know what to think… but I have a question I’d like to ask you in private, ideally by email. How can I reach you?
jumbo chart you admit -Marcelo Kreisman
(Michael Bay Rails Against 3D)
I admit nothing.
Nice article. However most except the first points is valid. Which you will find out the second or third time you attempt to write about this topic. -games
Really, the spammer is correct here, the second and third times I wrote about that trailer, my eyes were opened.
When i was a youngster during the 1980s I imagined that video gaming may someday end up like thisâ?¦ I reckon it’s one of the coolest innovations of all time. I will be getting my nephew one for Christmas for sure. -Austin Rands
His nephew is going to have the strangest Christmas ever, and that’s even before his uncle tries to show him how to play the baby like a video game.
Absolutely the two of my daughters simply adore justin bieber, I cannot understand it however he appears to be all the rage. -Gonzalo Louris
(Valhalla Rising Trailer)
I think Bieber as a supernaturally powerful Viking warrior has real potential.
No! in 2553 is a Buddha calendar
ps. It comimg in 2010!
(The Red Eagle Trailer)
That’s one lousy haiku.
And the best spam I got this year:
Another movie that is coming out that offers a clean alternative is ??Paranormal.?? Below is some additional information about this new thriller!!
Paranormal, the latest supernatural thriller from Cross Shadow Productions, (the
creators of the Dove.org approved, best-selling BMG releases: Pray and Pray 2:
The Woods) will be available in stores nationwide January 26th 2010. The 2009 Mrs. America is starring in it.
See more information and trailers at: www.ParanormalTheMovie.com
Following the success of family-friendly suspense/thriller The Exorcism of Emily
Rose (Sony Pictures), comes a riveting supernatural thriller in the vein of the hit
SyFy television series, Ghost Hunters and Frank Peretti’s House (Roadside
Attractions / Lionsgate).
Paranormal follows best-selling, self-made novelist Greg Evans struggling through the worst case of writer’s block in his award-winning career. In a desperate search for
inspiration, Greg quickly finds himself immersed in a world he is not prepared to face.
Turning to a group of paranormal investigators, Greg and the ghost hunting team search for proof and answers, yet are unaware they are about to have an experience of a lifetime! None will leave the way they came. Paranormal will peel back the supernatural curtain to reveal how The TRUTH will EXPOSE the darkness!
I would think that automated spam to advertise your Christian horror movie would be a decidedly un-Christian strategy