I can’t pinpoint exactly the moment it happened, but I feel like one day I went to bed unaware of the existence of Jojo Siwa, and when I woke up, the world now had Jojo Siwa branded sh*t it was trying to sell me. For instance, today when I was browsing random sh*t on Amazon that I definitely don’t need, but inexplicably want, the algorithm suggested I buy a Jojo Siwa branded headphone, complete with built-in shiny rainbow bow attached to the top of it.
Obviously I already have three such designed headphones because I am a woman of the world, and the world dictates I have headphone with bows attached to them, but I finally cracked—I could no longer ignore Jojo Siwa, and it was time I devote some of my precious (few) brain cells into cracking the code to see what, or who, Jojo is.
Joelle Joanie Siwa was “born” May 19th, 2003 (“born” because, well, we’ll get to that later) and apparently shot to fame by appearing on the show Dance Moms, which honestly, if you follow any of the trash I watch regularly, you’ll be legitimately shocked to know I’ve never seen an episode of this kind of trash. Shocking, I know.
Jojo used that show as a platform to launch her singing career, and also, posts personal diary-type vlogs on her YouTube channel, which I’m astounded to tell you has, like, millions of subscribers.
Here is one of her songs, which I’m guessing if you have kids of a certain age, you’re probably acquainted with it, because this abomination has over 8.4 million views on YouTube.
Friends, that song above has over 705 MILLION views and I swear on my life I’ve never heard of it up until a few minutes ago.
Jojo Siwa fans are legion, apparently.
Side note: I genuinely can’t tell the difference in quality between that song, and Rebecca Black’s “Friday.” Fame is a fickle b*tch, apparently.
Anyway, this is only the tip of the iceberg.
You know how I mentioned Jojo has these personal diary type of vlogs?
Yeah, friends, they’re all a racket to sell your kids cheaply made sh*t they don’t need but want.
Warning: it’s incredibly, INCREDIBLY hard to understand what Jojo is saying. She speaks fast, loudly, and the sounds coming out of her mouth are hard to distinguish from each other.
Above Jojo is mainly hawking her tour to get you to buy tickets for, in the guise of a makeup tutorial.
Here, she’s straight up trying to sell you all of her dolls. Ever. How can one child be the inspiration for so many dolls and yet not be the victim of consumption in Victorian England!?
This is my favorite video, because it turns out she has a nacho corner in her home, devoted solely to delicious nachos. Jojo is living my dream life.
So, here’s what I learned about Jojo in this research: Bows and a devastatingly high and tight ponytail is her signature look. I’m frankly afraid that she is not wearing a wig and is really doing that to her scalp every day.
Friends, that way leads to hair loss. I’m all but certain of it.
Anyway, we now know the characteristics of a Jojo Siwa, but we still don’t really know who (or what) she is.
Obviously, this is the part where I’d dive deep into the obvious conspiracy that Jojo Siwa is a very human-like replica, possibly a robot, manufactured by WalMart in order to sell us sh*t, and honestly? Expect a thoroughly vetted, multiple-source exposé on that as soon as she turns 18.
…but Jojo Siwa isn’t 18. She’s 16. And even though it’s clear she has a fancier life than me, it seems a bit sh*tty to use my precious free time to talk about a child like that. Especially if said child is one I don’t know, and not that little f*cker who lives down the street from me, and laughs at me for no reason every time he sees me, but refuses to tell me why. That kid sucks and yet, is excellent at psychological warfare.
So ultimately our answer is that Jojo Siwa is a teenage (auspiciously human) girl who has a wildly popular YouTube channel, with a bunch of branded merchandise that capitalizes on her bow, among other things. That is the party line for the next two years.
I’m still really confused how this all seemingly popped up out of nowhere, but for now, I’m going to leave it alone.
Header Image Source: Getty