Friends, it was bound to happen. You can only brand yourself on so many products until one is recalled for asbestos. If you’re lucky, it occurs on one of your lesser merchandise pieces, like your underperforming “my first phlebotomy kit.” If you’re unlucky, like Jojo Siwa was, it happens with your makeup line.
Look, when this happens to you (and make no mistake, it will happen to you. The carnival witch foretold it. Oh, you think she was just making that prophecy for funsies? I’d avoid open bodies of water regardless. We both know what she said to you that day.) it’s rough. You have to go through the motions of apologizing, telling your friends, fans, and governmental regulatory agencies who oversee this sort of thing that “it is serious” like Jojo Siwa did. Then, you can include my favorite line from her official apology:
“And also that anyone who has this product, you can get a refund… If it’s used or it’s unused, you can get a full refund.”
Reader, I laughed out loud at the amazing prospect of someone being unfortunate enough to use asbestos-laced makeup, and the store refusing to accept said return because it was used. That would truly be capitalism at work, here.
However, we’re not here to dunk on Jojo Siwa (a 16-year old who fascinates me, and who could also pay off all my student loan debt with one YouTube video) no, we’re here to help her figure out her next steps.
Since I had a few hours to kill before the psychic horse who can tell you how you’re going to die gets their lazy ass to the Farmer’s Market, I figured I’d put my thinking cap on (not Jojo Siwa-branded…yet) and lay out some new career paths for Siwa, since she’s reached the apex of branded merchandising what with her first recall. Make no mistake, this is only the first recall, because you can’t slap your visage on cheap s*it that’s mass-produced with apparently no regulatory oversight without little asbestos issues popping up here and there. Friends, it’s time for Jojo Siwa to diversify. Here’s how I think she should do it:
Over the Top Sequel
I mean, duh, we were all thinking it, right? It’s a perfect alignment with Siwa’s brand.
The first Over the Top came out in 1987. It’s the best movie about truck driving semi-pro arm wrestlers who are estranged from their sons that I have ever seen. You know what it was missing though? Grandfathers estranged from their granddaughters.
Yes, I am absolutely saying Jojo Siwa needs to get into pictures, and the obvious first choice would be to play Sylvester Stallone’s granddaughter, who is also estranged from him (what can I say? Life on the road is tough) and now he must enter an arm wrestling championship to win her love and respect. It is the only path forward.
Jojo Siwa: Personal Injury Lawyer and Legal Advice Clinic
In case you forgot, amidst the branded bows everywhere, Jojo Siwa is a dancer. Dancers are well acquainted with on the job injuries so I think she has the opportunity to become a mini-Bill Azar (or whatever personal injury attorney who advertised every day, in between University of Phoenix ads, your hometown had. Apparently Bill Azar is only an Alaskan thing, and is not eternally universal, like Cal Worthington and his dog Spot.) I don’t know about you, but I absolutely would trust a 16-year old YouTuber and Dancer to give me legal advice. I mean, she’s escaping any sort of repercussions for asbestos-laced make up, so she clearly knows a thing or two about the law.
There is nothing I love more than non-Disney theme parks. I used to work at one where I danced with a bear and walked around with hand bells to entertain children. I was proud to be a carny that summer, and I have many amazing carny stories but I digress.
See, the magic of non-Disney theme parks is that they are always kind of lacking in their branding, staffing, and general atmosphere, which means they’re amazingly fun to walk around in and embrace the whole “yup, we’re not at Disneyland so temper your expectations, OK?!” thing. However, non-Disney theme parks still want to sell you a lot of s*it you don’t need, so I think there is a natural affinity here for Siwa’s brand and opening up a third-rate theme park. She can also have daily shows for her fans, making them come to her instead of making her tour to come see them. That would allow her more time to watch age-inappropriate shows on Hulu (I was 16, once. I watched a lot of late-night HBO. It made me the person I am today.) See, it’s a win/win. She still gets to sell useless crap no one needs, but she also gets more time to be a teenager, even if the Red Shoe Diaries is no longer available to stream on Showtime’s app (I think?) so she’ll have to figure out what late-night shows the youths are sneaking these days.
Anyway, I’m kind of bored with this topic now because it’s only OK for me, a woman in her 30s, to postulate over what a teenager should do for so long. So, I guess this is where I leave you. Wish me luck with the horse.