Haute couture lollipops.
*bzzz* What are three words that will surely further terrorist hatred and retaliation on behalf of all third world nations? you might respond. And you might be right, but they’re also a totally real thing created by the brilliant mind *shakes head* of one Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino.
This is what they look like. They retail for $25 a pop, pun unintended as I stopped trying with this about two sentences ago. Here. Hate as I hate.
This is stupid. But it is actually not the dumbest celebrity “creation” we’ve seen over the years. Oh, my friends, there is worse (or better, depending on your perception. I tend to skew “more awfulsometastic.”)
Bill Wyman’s Metal Detector
Bill Wyman is trying to get kids into Archeology. So this isn’t necessarily dumb. It’s just…interesting. I don’t often think Bill Wyman and combing the beach for treasures. I more tend to think “Bill Wyman and pedobear” which casts a creepy shadow on his creating products for kids.
Jimmy Buffett Calamari Rings
Jimmy Buffett is the Donald Trump of the shitty music world. So it is no shock that he will slap his name on every margarita maker, mix and rim sugar that comes across his desk. But he also markets frozen seafood. Yes, you too can get food poisoning and leered at by your dad’s Tommy Bahama-sporting coworker, all at the same concert!
There was a brief period of time before his son paralyzed someone with his car and before he got badtouch creepy with his own daughter that we as a nation still liked Hulk Hogan. But he has always been an unspeakable huckster (hence, Hulkster), leading to this bullshit finding its way into your local Walmart freezer.
“But Courtney,” you say with a sob, “I need something on which to cook my Hulkster Cheeseburger!” Then you, my friend, need a Foreman Grill ripoff like right now.
Lindsay Lohan Sevin Nyne Spray Tanner
Named after numbers (as opposed to her ugly legging line which was named for the birthdate of Marilyn Monroe, someone I am real sick of these skanks idolizing), Sevin Nyne was a spray tan formula Lindsay Lohan created/stole, whichever, whatever. Please note that Lindsay Lohan is someone who periodically leaves the house looking like this, and this was in her good days. So I wouldn’t buy spray tan from her. It’s not one of your better ideas.
Paris Hilton’s Canned Prosecco
Paris Hilton has all the class and elegance of a can of syrupy malt liquor, so this was actually the most perfect endorsement of all time.
Paula Deen’s Butter-Flavored Lip Balm
File this under things that are totally real and amazing.
Sylvester Stallone’s High Protein Pudding
File this under things that are real and terrifying. I am not making this up. This happened. And it was named this. I bet it was salty.