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The Dating History of Wilmer Valderrama is B-A-N-A-N-A-S

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | October 14, 2015 |

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | October 14, 2015 |

I’ve been fascinated with the dating history of Wilmer Valderrama for years. I am not proud of this, but it’s hang up of mine (don’t judge me! You clicked on the post, didn’t you?) He seems to fit into the same category as Michael Sheen and Adam Duritz, who continue to date women who are above him on the celebrity totem pole, so to speak.

In fact, here’s the list of Valderrama’s girlfriends over the years (he’s only 35).

Jennifer Love Hewitt, who Valderrama rates as an “eight” out of 10 in the sack.


Mandy Moore, of whom Valderrama says the sex was good but not “like warm apple pie.”


Avirl Lavigne, who Valderrama dated right after her divorce.


Lindsay Lohan. Valderrama was her “first love.” They dated while she was still 17. They lived together, and she wrote an emotional song about their break-up.


Ashlee Simpson, who Valderrama said was a screamer and “loud in bed”


Mila Kunis. The two were rumored to have been dating on That 70’s Show.


Demi Lovato, who Valderrama has been dating since she turned 18 (he was 30). the two are still together. He calls her his “fucking soul mate.”


Minka Kelly, who Valderrama dated while he was on a break with his “fucking soul mate.”

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That’s who he has dated, but the question remains: Why? This question is not unique to me, of course. Others have wondered the same thing. In the rabbit hole of Valderrama’s dating history, I discovered that — on an episode of Cribs — he bragged about a bedroom where “the magic happens,” displayed a bedroom with only a mattress on it, had red solo cups in his china cabinet, and — perhaps most troubling — he proudly wears Drakkar Noir cologne. “Drakkar reminds me of me, and I love me.”

He seems kind of gross, no? But apparently women — or at least, certain celebrity women who fit a certain type — like this grossness in a man. Or maybe more men should take their cues from Valderrama and wear more Drakkar Noir.

He’s certainly confident. He’s not a bad looking guy, either, and he’s been successful enough in the fringes of television since That 70’s Show to maintain a consistent career.

Also, he’s well-endowed.

I’ve”been blessed” in that department, he once told Howard Stern, claiming that his dick is more than eight inches long.

Is that the true appeal of Wilmer Valderrama: His larger-than-average dick?

The nice thing about Valderrama, I suppose, is that he keeps getting older, but his girlfriends remain the same age.

See Also: John Cusack’s 30-Year-Dating History Is B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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