I thought about writing about Taylor Swift being nonsensical. Or Lindsay Lohan’s latest fabricated drama. But, in the end, there was only one option. Because, seriously. DO YOU EVEN SEE THAT ABOVE THIS PARAGRAPH RIGHT NOW? I’m all:
And then I’m all:
So…*tight fisted shiver of joy* John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John—DANNY ZUKO AND SANDY OLSEN THEMSELVES—have a Christmas album coming out this year. Because nothing combats the gay
totally obvious truths rumors like appealing to middle America with a Christmas album—FEATURING BARBRA STREISAND, EVEN—wherein you reunite with the woman who made this video. Or, for that matter, this movie.
*deep breaths* Let’s analyze.
First and foremost, there is obviously John Travolta’s velour hair of late ’80s car seat glamour realness. Look at it. LOOK AT IT.
DELIGHT. I want to make flare-legged stretchy jazz pants out of it. I want to paint Elvis’s face on it. I want to use it for the top of my child’s Christmas dress. But mostly I fear it, because, as you know, I have a phobia of velvet. IT IS EXQUISITE.
I spend far too much of my life examining the internal celebrity psyche, and I have come to understand them in ways mere mortals cannot. But I have absolutely no concept of how Johnny here thinks he is fooling anyone. ANYONE. With anything on his head or in his pants, but for now, let’s focus on the head situation. Honey…No. But, please, for the love of all things holy, please keep doing it.
Nextly, they are clearly not drinking liquids. That is clearly a solid substance in those cups. FABULOUS.
Third, the Photoshop wizards who worked on this committed the cardinal sin of fixing up a photo of someone: they did not whiten their teeth. I don’t know if any of you in your professional lives have ever had to “tweak” a photo or portrait of someone, but I have, and I can tell you this: if you don’t whiten their teeth, they think that you are conspiring against them and actually went in and yellowed said teeth on purpose. Because people are crazy, and that’s not merely limited to celebrities.
Liv’s looking pretty good. She’s had a rough time of it. And her daughter’s sad body image issues have led her to Jocelyn Wildenstein herself into oblivion by her early 20s. So I’ll leave her be. You go on with your bad self, ONJ.
You must understand: I have had a day. It’s been stressful, annoying and we lost a reality show star I actually liked. But this?
This makes me happy. Oh, Johnny Travs and your fancy hair. Thank you. For making us laugh at you. Again.