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In Which We Attempt to Carry On Without Arnett/Poehler Red Carpet Cuteness: 2012 Emmy Liveblog

By Courtney Enlow | Miscellaneous | September 23, 2012 | Comments ()


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9:57 - Thanks everyone for playing along at home. I hope you all had a nice time, or at least a better time than everyone who wasn't involved with "Modern Family," "Game Change" or "Homeland." Goodnight!

9:56 - Well, that was an anticlimactic shitshow. Poor Lena is sitting somewhere in the audience thinking "I got that naked for this?"

9:55 - Michael J. Fox is human hand warmers for the heart.

9:53 - Yeah, this can all pretty much go ahead and end now. I'm tired.

9:48 - MY STARS AND GARTERS, MORENA BACCARIN. That is a great deal of cleve. Do they teach you that at the academy?

9:47 - Tom Hanks looks like a '60s air traffic controller.

9:46 - Any thoughts on how the night's going, Cumby?

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9:38 - Fine, I'll be the bitch and say it: Whitney Houston dying is the best thing to happen to Kevin Costner's career in almost 20 years. That's the only reason he's having this resurgence right now.

9:36 - Look. I'm bad with fashion. I leave that to other people (Cindy will be tackling it tomorrow). But Ginnifer Goodwin's dress is fug as shit. That much I know.

9:35 - Why don't they just have Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert host the show?

9:28 - I have to clean up my head from its explosion after realizing that Jonathan "Superstar" Levinson wrote "Game Change" but I am very happy for Julianne Moore because if someone can make me feel sorry for Sarah Palin for a few minutes, that is acting.

9:27 - WAIT. WAIT JUST A GODDAMN MINUTE. Danny Strong is *THAT* Danny Strong?!?!?!?!?!?!?! JONATHAN?!?!?

9:20 - ROBERT EASTON DIED AND NO ONE TOLD ME? We need to honor him.

9:18 - I have terrible death recall, so these montages always destroy me. And remind me that I'm terrible because, while I loathe people who pull the "didn't ____ die ages ago?," I am totally that person sometimes, because I thought Richard Dawson had been dead since the early '90s.

9:17 - I thought that was going to be a continuation of the "Breaking Bad" short thing that didn't work earlier, and now I've remembered that Andy Griffith died this year and, holy shit, was that short an even worse idea than I thought before.

9:15 - Jesus. Tom Berenger looks like puffy shit.

9:14 - FUN FACT. Did you know that Kerry Washington used to be engaged to the guy from Newsies that wasn't Christian Bale? The one who sang "open the gates and seeeiiize the day..."?

9:12 - Those were weird cutaways. I'm confused.

9:08 - Wine update: I am on hour two of attempting to swallow this glass of swill. Because I never give up. I'm like Jason Mraz in this way.

9:07 - Jessica Lange, you scenery chewing bitch, I love you. And Frances Conroy, largely ignored in favor of said scenery stealing bitch, you are a flawless person.

9:06 - Did I not notice before that Sarah Paulson got nominated for "Game Change"? Look, I love Sarah Paulson, but...really? She said lines. She said them well and all...but it wasn't exactly a particularly actingy part.

9:03 - "American Horror Story" entering into the Miniseries category is some sneaky, cheaty shit. And that Ashley Judd "I just want my kid back!" show apparently tried to pass itself off the same way, even though it's not so much a miniseries is it is a regular normal series that got cancelled.

8:58 - ACTION BREAK! I want to take this special moment and wish a happy birthday to our sweet, sweet, Hamm-humping Figgy.

8:56 - "The Daily Show" theme song was not made to played over and over again repeatedly. Every other show that wins every year begins to grate upon me. But not TDS. Never TDS. It can win every year for the rest of eternity and I will be fine with it forever.

8:49 - My mom was really sad about that "666 Park Avenue" show because it meant Terry O'Quinn wouldn't be on "Hawaii 5-0" anymore. But my mom needs to know that SHE CAN'T TELL TERRY O'QUINN WHAT HE CAN DO.

8:49 - I still don't think "Once Upon a Time" is a real show. I think everyone's making it up to screw with me.

8:47 - This truly is a great night for gingers. Except for Jesse Tyler Ferguson. Sorry, bro. Also, Christina Hendricks is an imposter, so she couldn't win.

8:43 - Two = not too shabby. I mean, it could have been three but he was up against THE ENTIRE CAST OF MODERN FAMILY.

8:40 - It weirds me out every year when award shows are nominated for award shows.

8:39 - Guys, I know that show is rapidly nearing 20 years off the air and I DON'T CARE. She is Angela Chase. And, sometimes, Temple Grandin. Cow.

8:38 - That dress is very bump flattering, because Angela Chase straight up looks unpregnant right now.

8:35 - Some make comments about how Tina Fey wears her hair the same at every awards show, but I, like Tina, also suffer from the affliction known as "head too small for the body" and when you have HTSFTB, you have to rock the elegant poof or you look boxy. I feel you, girl.

8:27 - Julianna Margulies's dress is truly groundbreaking in the field of repurposing motel bedspreads as haute couture.

8:26 - Josh Groban is just my favorite. I'm glad he's a person. And never you forget who we have to thank for that--Rosie O'Donnell and Ally McBeal.

8:25 - You know how, as a rule, people are usually jizzing all over HBO shows? I feel like not enough jizz is...spilled...on "Boardwalk Empire." I regret the analogy. Anyway. It deserves more adoration.

8:24 - Jeremy Davies is one of my favorite spazzes. And I hadn't looked up from my computer yet, but what the hair what?

8:20 - It legitimately shocked me that Hamm hasn't won yet. In my mind, he wins all the time. And keeps his award in his pants.

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8:18 - Maggie Smith is all "fuck the Emmys. I WAS IN HOOK. I don't need that shit."

8:17 - If I were a fancy stripper, my name would be Downtown Abbii.

8:14 - I so deeply love Connie Britton, you guys. That said...the hair...and the shiny mineral makeup...it's not great.

8:11 - Half-man, you say? When you are a national treasure, you don't need no stinkin' award.

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8:08 - Don't worry. Esposito got an award, too. His trophy was just bigger.

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8:07 - Aaron got his Emmy and his Pops!

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8:05 - Hey! My first legitimate out-loud "yay!" all night!

8:04 - The pale lipstick is not a great look on Claire Danes.

8:03 - Hey, "Grey's Anatomy" is still a show. Did you guys know that? Because I didn't know that. How 'bout that?

8:00 - Did...did Betty White just lose an award? Was it because she found out Seth MacFarlane was going to have to hand it to her? I choose to believe that.

7:59 - He's got one of those faces you want to punch. And one of those careers you want to donkey punch.

7:58 - Fuck you, Seth MacFarlane.

7:56 - There was an episode of "The Big Bang Theory" where Amy refers to the character of The Doctor as "Doctor Who" and no one calls her on it. It's almost like BBT *isn't* a wholly accurate depiction of geek culture.

7:52 - Remember that "Roseanne" episode where the Connors become a Nielsen family and only watch and list good, smart shows? That's what I think happens with Emmy voters and the reality show awards every year. "Amazing Race" is the only one they'll admit to watching.

7:49 - No "Drag Race"? Even in the fucking montage? BULLSHIT. Sharon Needles is the light and the way, and Willam deserves every award under the sun. Seriously, that show is perfection and it deserves Emmy accolades a fuckton and a half more than that "Dancing With Gavin Goddamn McGraw" nonsense.

7:47 - I'm happy for Julia. I love love love her and I love love love "Veep" and if they can just fabricate some reason for Peter Capaldi to be on it, I'll love it even more. But at some point, Amy needs it. I need it for her. I will make one out of gold nail polish chippings and give it to her.

7:46 - OKAY SERIOUSLY, how has Amy not won Best Supporting Actress every year JUST FOR THE EMMYS?

7:45 - Look at Amy snuggloving JLD. That's why she's a better person than we are. With better boobs.

7:42 - The theme of this evening is "let's only honor things that the older assistants in your office talk about over Healthy Choice dinners in the break room." The way this is going, they're just going to give Best Actress to a copy of Under the Tuscan Sun.

7:41 - If you don't think that award was given solely as a "we are so fucking sorry that you had to play second fiddle to Charlie Sheen for however the fuck long that show's been on, and you've probably seen some things a man should never see" then you are a fool, my friends.

7:40 - Like... Just... UGH. It's like Melissa McCarthy winning last year. I so *want* to be happy for this genuinely good and talented person, who just wanted to be employed when they took the shitty butt ass job that landed them said award. BUT I CANNOT BE.

7:39 - Well, he just won an Emmy and his show is watched by, like, a gazillion dads and frat boys, so what do I know.

7:38 - I want so much better for Jon Cryer. So, so much better.

7:36 - This short little video is better than the entire last two seasons of the actual show.

7:33 - Basically, Emmy voters only watch one new show every five or six years. When that show finally ends, they are forced against their wills to watch a new screener and then they pick that one for every award until that show ends, and so on and so forth. So, if we want to see any show other than "Modern Family" win, we'll just have to wait until its plug is finally pulled, somewhere around season 9.

7:32 - Jon Hamm should have gotten that Guest Actor Emmy. I mean, I loved Jimmy's SNL, but that 60 seconds of Hamm was possibly the greatest 60 seconds of Hamm ever.

7:30 - There are certain people from certain ensemble shows for whom I desperately wish some manner of continued success. Matthew Perry is one of them (Julia Louis-Dreyfus is the other, and BOOM, 2012 was a good year for me).

7:26 - Actually, I take it back. I will bum. Because, and I know I'm a broken record on this particular obsession, but Cobie Smulders genuinely deserved some manner of nod for HIMYM's "Symphony of Illumination" episode. It happens to the hotties sometimes, but she's a grossly underrated actress.

7:25 - *looks at all the clavicle* Oh, right. A snack-eating podcast might not be her jam.

7:23 - I really like Julie Bowen, and she's consistently great on MF, so I'm not going to bum about it. That said, I'd like her a lot more if she'd do a "Mike and Tom Eat Snacks" so someone needs to get on that.

7:22 - I didn't liveblog the red carpet really, but had I done so, I would have mentioned Nicole Kidman's dress, which was conceptualized as "frame my vagine with blue."

7:21 - From not-this-room, I hear a crying baby and a sighing husband. HAHA, SUCKA. Not my problem tonight. *sips, claps for Louie, laments those who lost, wishes it could have been a tie all around*

7:20 - That should have been a more soaring praise. Sorry, Chris.

7:19 - I've never actually seen Chris McKenna before. He's kind of unexpectedly attractive.

7:18 - Commercial sign. "The Middle" does a great job of filling the role of "show I've never seen and have no idea how long it's been on or who watches it, but it seems like it's been around a long time" previously vacated by "that one show with Mike O'Malley and the Guy from 'Boston Common'."

7:15 - I've done some thinking and I've settled on Kimmy Jibbler. Let's make it a thing.

7:12 - Okay, this category is nonsense. You cannot just nominate the entire cast of a show. Especially when this past season of said show was pretty much terrible.

7:11 - Damn, Amy. Look at those cans. How could Will even conceive of a day when he could (say it with me) SAY GOODBYE TO THESE!

7:11 - Amy Poehler and Louie C.K.? This show's going to go ahead and peak early apparently.

7:08 - On Rock Center, I found out that Steve Buscemi gets sad when people talk about his looks, and he just looked sad, and I felt sad. So, I'll admit it. Steve? I'd hit that. I'd hit that like a thug's head with Manny Hororwitz's meat cleaver.

7:03 - So far, unimpressed with Jimmy. Which I accidentally originally typed as Kimmy. So I'm just going to go ahead and call him Kimmy.

7:02 - Unsurprisingly, the one who looks like she can throw a legit punch? Martha Plimpton.

7:01 - Look at all these ladies I love. And Zooey, who I'm starting to like again after a very long period of hatred.

6:58 - Seriously, this stuff tastes like barbeque smoke. I get this shit all the time. IT NEVER TASTES LIKE BARBEQUE SMOKE. How am I supposed to pretend like I've ever seen a full episode of "The Good Wife" while dealing with this kind of unanticipated complication?

6:57 - Ooh, Jim Parsons' tux is made of velvet. Did you guys know that I have a phobia of touching velvet? I have a phobia of touching velvet. It comes from being a ballerina during the early '90s crushed velvet outbreak. I have panic attacks when I set up our photo backdrop at work.

6:56 - Um. My wine tastes weird. SOMEONE FIRE MY ASSISTANT.

6:54 - Oh my. Clinton Kelly. Honey. Whoever did your fake tan gave you a mean case of the Mitt Romneys.

6:51 - Is Manny from "Modern Family" ever going to hit puberty? Does he have the Webster disease? Because that's okay if he does, and it might make me not hate his character.

6:45 - AND WE ARE ON LIKE WRATH OF KHAN. I've got my snacks, my co-host (she's a baby, mainly) and my Emmy juice. It's custom.

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Per usze, newness is at the top.




But I Think That God's Got a Sick Sense of Humor: Five Things You May Not Have Heard About This Week | The 2012 Emmy Award Winners






Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Every time you do, Bill Murray crashes a wedding.


Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Ash

    holy shit that HAAAAMM pic. as if i needed another reason to love him.

  • Uriah_Creep

    I know I'm really late for this, but it must be said: I fucking love Courtney Enlow. Thanks for once again touching my funny bone r.

    Oh, and Happy Birthday, Figgy.

  • tharine

    i've only just started reading this but - i had a bottle of gnarly head last week that was also totally fucking weird tasting. not normal.

  • MonkeyHateClean

    I can't stop looking at Hamm's pants. /shame

  • atoz15

    Who is in this congregation of shitty taste?
    But really I would love to know.

  • mc-rox

    Thank you Courtney for your funny commentary. Cheers and hopefully you got through your wine.:)

  • Alas, I dumped the whole bottle and stuck with water. Grody rude wine.

  • mc-rox

    Hugs on the wine. :( Gnarlys reds are better. I will look forward to reading your next posts. :) :) :)

  • Maguita NYC

    Second that!

  • If nothing else, Lena won my admiration for her willingness to bare all. And you, Court, have kept my admiration for your willingness to put yourself through watching the Emmys for our entertainment. Also, your excellent use of a Cumberbatch gif. Always a good time in these liveblogs!

  • No cleavage from Sophia? It's a tragedy!

  • OldSchool60

    Thanks Courtney. Now go to bed, you've suffered enough.

  • LaineyBobainey

    I can't believe Courtney gave up shitty diapers for tonight's shitty show. Dayum, bad trade, Court. Bad trade. Thanks for making it entertaining since no one in Hollywood bothered!

  • jd

    At least it wasn't "Girls."

  • Ugh. The fact that Parks and Rec wasn't even nominated invalidates that entire fucking category.

  • Maguita NYC

    fuck. me.

  • GAH! BURN IT DOWN, NIMUE!

  • LaineyBobainey

    Game of Thrones got hosed tonight. Dayum.

  • Because he's Tom Frickin' Hanks, I will ignore that fuzzy
    caterpillar that has taken up residence on his upper lip. On anyone
    else... no.

  • John W

    Wow I can't believe Homeland damn near swept their awards.

  • candee

    Holy Hell. Was Game Change really that good?

  • space_oddity

    All the credit goes to the screenwriters, for taking a hackey conventional wisdom piece of shit book and turning it into a barely watchable movie.

  • LaineyBobainey

    It was pretty good. It actually made me feel a little bad for Palin and for McCain and I did NOT expect that.

  • jd

    "Mad Men" shut out!

  • Maguita NYC

    If Modern Family wins... I might as well set my house on fire too.

  • LaineyBobainey

    Wow, Tom Hanks can get through a speech quick-like!

  • InternetMagpie

    He's a pro!

  • Captain_Tuttle

    Did any of these Emmy voters even watch Sherlock? Or was it too hard to read the closed captioning?

  • pajiba

    Christ. Jon Cryer was more deserving than Costner. Hatfields and McCoys was dreadful, but still marginally better than Costner's speech.

  • InternetMagpie

    But look how HOT, Dustin!

  • InternetMagpie

    I just lost my own argument when I remembered Cumberbatch and Idris Elba were nominated in the same category.

  • LaineyBobainey

    Does Kevin think he's ACTUALLY one of the Hatfields or McCoys? What's up with this southern twang/drawl he's suddenly sporting?

  • turtle

    Doyle from Gilmore Girls wrote Game Change?!?!

  • I wondered if I was the only one who remembered Doyle!

  • pajiba

    Those people in the In Memorium Montage picked a really good year to miss the Emmys

  • OldSchool60

    Julianne Moore is beautiful, but her dress has permanently blinded me.

  • candee

    Also. PFFT. Shoulda gone to Moffat.

  • OldSchool60

    YELLOW!!!!!!

  • candee

    I just thought that exact thing about Danny Strong. WTF!?

  • maureenc

    And the awkward moment where Steven Moffat has to be nice to Lucy Liu is unfortunately averted.

  • calliope1975

    Danny Strong went from an uncredited extra on Buffy to an Emmy winner. Guess dreams can come true.

  • HOLY SHIT JONATHAN!

  • Yep, Jonathan. And the dude what directed Austin Powers.

    Who
    d a thunk it?

  • Captain_Tuttle

    That's where I know him from . . . . Maybe this is really that one Buffy episode where he was the superstar - was it a spell, I think?

  • Like Erin said, this would be much more meaningful if Kimmel hadn't been an asshole and made fun of it earlier.

    Also: what this iphone earphones ad is telling me that they've just admitted that they've been making shitty earbuds for 20 years. Because as far as I know the only company that was still making round, shitty earbuds was Apple. but that's off topic.

  • Ted Zancha

    Jon Cryer? JON FUCKING CRYER OVER LOUIS CK??!! That's it. A promise is a promise ( even if the loss wasn't to Parson). Tomorrow the universe ends. Say goodbye to your loved ones. Watch your JGL GIFs and marvel at Poehler. Because tonight is it.

  • OldSchool60

    Why is a dead Steve Jobs remembered in the Emmys?

  • ScrimmySCrim

    I actually liked the Breaking Bad short.

  • OldSchool60

    Tom "Puffy Shit" Berenger used to be a Dude.
    Time is cruel.

  • Maguita NYC

    I used to have SUCH the big crush on Tom Berenger when I was young. Age does not suit him. At all.

  • Anna von Beav

    YYYYYEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH JESSICA LANGE WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  • Maguita NYC

    I liked Julianne Moore as ... whatserface again.

  • ACTION BREAK! I want to take this special moment and wish a happy birthday to our sweet, sweet, Hamm-humping Figgy.

    I LOVE YOU, COURTNEY. IF I WON AN AWARD I'D THANK YOU FIRST AND THEN I'D HUMP JON HAMM!! GOD BLESS AMERICA!

  • Anna von Beav

    I sent you a Happy Birthday text.

    I don't know if I have the right number in my phone, so some random person may have gotten a random Happy Birthday text addressed to Figgers.

    YOU'RE WELCOME.

  • Maguita NYC

    Hey-hey, happy B-day chica!

  • Thank you! Seeing Hamm was almost as good as my cake.

  • Kimmel hasn't made one goddamn funny joke all night.

  • pajiba

    I don't encourage divorce, but for symmetry's sake, Jon Stewart should leave his wife and marry Amy Poehler and then rule the world forever. STEWART/POEHLER '16.

  • InternetMagpie

    I will only accept Poehler with:

    - Adam Scott
    - Louis C.K.
    - Tina Fey
    - Will Arnett again. SEPARATED DOESN'T MEAN DIVORCED YET.

  • She and Louis CK clearly love the shit out of each other. They should just get together, for the sake of the world.

  • That bit made me all tingly.

  • Maguita NYC

    Aaah, the Emmys redeem themselves. J. Stewart has won.

  • Anna von Beav

    20 years off the air after a half a year on the air.

    DOESN'T MATTER; STILL ANGELA CHASE.

    Much as Jared Leto is still Jordan Catalano. *dreamy sigh*

  • pajiba

    And Brian Krakow will always be that guy who date raped the Pink Power Ranger in Felicity.

  • And Rayanne Graff is a proper COUNTESS. http://breezymama.com/2009/09/...

  • Anna von Beav

    This is AMAZING. I had no idea.

  • She met a kilt-wearing Earl at a party in Vegas and married him? Someone needs to turn that into a movie RIGHT NOW.

  • pajiba

    What the ...

  • Jon Hamm and Tina Fey need to be in all the things together.

  • Maguita NYC

    Why is Claire Danes looking like Gwyneth Paltrow?

  • Whoa. Didn't realize it til you said it. And now it's freaking me out.

  • Maguita NYC

    Good, so it's not the wine and the bitter pill of Cranston's loss. I'm still seeing clearly.

    She has droopier boobs though than Dame Gwynnie.

  • jd

    Angela Chase!

  • The jizz is spilled UNDER the boardwalk.

  • Maguita NYC

    Yes, that is the premise of the show.

  • Anna von Beav

    I'm told Jeremy Davies' scalp is still in character as his guest appearance.

  • If I were a fancy stripper, my name would be Downtown Abbii..

    I died. I died and went to heaven.

  • Maguita NYC

    FUCK YOU! NO.

  • Esposito's suit looks like a tire.

    And they need to stop making crew members talk. They're awful on camera and there's a reason why they're behind the scenes.

  • pajiba

    If men cared as much about fashion as women, we'd wear suits that forced all the blood in our penis to the tip.

  • pajiba

    "It legitimately shocked me that Hamm hasn’t won yet. In my mind, he wins all the time. And keeps his award in his pants." I STAND CORRECTED.

  • Maguita NYC

    Giving a whole new meaning to Spanx.

  • Maguita NYC

    Jon Hamm is like the Martin Scorcese of TV Drama actors: He's great, but every year there is someone that just happens to be greater.

  • I was gonna protest that, but...Brian Cranston. Ugh. I hate that he's so good.

  • Maguita NYC

    A-f-cking-mazing. Especially last season!

  • InternetMagpie

    <<8:17 - If I were a fancy stripper, my name would be Downtown Abbii.>>

    I just choked on my G&T.

  • Guest

    Downtown Abby is already my roller derby name.

  • LaineyBobainey

    Yeah, Court, she's a tidge overly shiny tonight. But damn her arms look good!

  • JON HAMM NEEDS TO WIN SOMETHING, GODDAMMIT.

  • Who would down vote this?!

  • Probably the same asshole who didn't vote for Amy Poehler or Jon Hamm, that's who.

  • pajiba

    Maggie Smith is too gangsta for the Emmys.

  • InternetMagpie

    Hayden, you can't just call her "Maggie".

  • Maguita NYC

    Hopefully this would mean that the Emmys are open for a much-deserved Bryan Cranston win. Now HE WOULD TOTALLY deserve it. No question about it.

  • InternetMagpie

    Aaron Paul is one of those people I love for his Twitter.

  • space_oddity

    And for his confused looks at fashion week.
    http://www.buzzfeed.com/lyapal...

  • I almost spilled wine everywhere after I waved my hands over my head while shouting "HALFMAN! HALFMAN! HALFMAN!" without realizing I was holding wine.

  • And he didn't win. So I'm happy I didn't waste my wine on nothing.

  • jd

    Would've preferred Giancarlo, but Paul's okay too.

  • pajiba

    YEAH BITCH, EMMY.

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