I’m not one to revel in someone else’s bad choices, unless those bad choices are what led to the terminally dumb, and thus my favorite movie of the year, Cats. However, there is something pretty spectacular and absurd about this headline from Yahoo News: Lori Loughlin ‘Learning Prison Lingo,’ Reportedly Hires Expert For Max 45-Year Sentence.
Yes, as it’s been widely reported, it’s rumored that Aunt Becky hired someone to teach her martial arts, in order to ward off anyone who wanted to take her down in the clink. Per the source:
“She’s knuckling down, learning the lingo and practicing martial arts to give off the impression she’s tough and to ward off potential bullies,” the source stated, adding that Lori “knows there will be plenty of them in federal prison.”
“Prison is going to be sink or swim and Lori doesn’t intend to sit back and take the abuse without a fight,” the source added regarding the max 45-year sentence that the actress faces if found guilty on all charges.
OK. Raise of hands. Who else is picturing Prison Mike as who Aunt Becky hired, here?
The thing is—learning the lingo and “martial arts” is all well and dandy, but in my estimation, she should just learn her some Gymkata and call it a day.
Oh, what is Gymkata you might ask!? It’s the deadly blend of karate and gymnastics that usually requires a well-placed, poorly disguised pommel horse in order to be any measure of something you could deem effective.
I’ll let American treasure and gymnast Kurt Thomas demonstrate it to you, so you can understand the majesty of Gymkata, via the eponymously named documentary film of the same name (I mean, it could be a documentary. You never know.)
Now, is it the most elegant or efficient way of defending oneself? No! Absolutely not. However, how many people have trained in the ancient art of defending oneself against Gymkata? Exactly. Furthermore, you have the element of surprise and WTF with Gymkata. Just picture it: someone is trying to mess with you and you scream, “hold on, I have to locate my pommel horse!” Then you drag your pommel horse over to the would-be perpetrator, hop up on said pommel horse, and then tell them they can proceed while you begin to whip yourself around into a frenzy, ready to attack. Do you think, after that much effort, anyone would want to mess with you? No! They’d think you were f*cking nuts, and would give you a wide berth, because one would have to be nuts to fully commit themselves to Gymkata, wouldn’t they?
Exactly. I rest my case. It’s by far the best method of preparing oneself for prison.
So, Aunt Becky, if you’re serious about training yourself for what lies ahead, I’m happy to have you over (for a small fee of course) to watch Gymkata with me every day (I mean, I do that already) and lightly, and repeatedly hit you on the arm when some cool ass Gymkata moves are done and say “are you taking notes? That was a cool ass Gymkata move, Aunt Becky!!! I’ll stop and rewind, don’t worry.” You’ll be ready for prison in no time. By that I mean, going will be a welcome escape from our daily Gymkata viewings. So really, you can’t lose here.
Header Image Source: Getty