Friends, I had the best cinematic experience of my adult life this weekend. I saw Cats, and it was spectacular. Everyone spontaneously clapped at its conclusion, which by the by, did not happen at my opening day showing of The Rise of Skywalker, so it tells you how great Cats truly is.
That said, because this movie has very little plot and no exposition whatsoever, I’m sure you have some outstanding questions about what you just saw, so I’ve put together a guide to answer them. Enjoy!
Obviously, spoilers below—although if you haven’t seen it yet, where are your priorities?
Why do some cats wear shoes, while others are barefoot?
I have no idea.
Why do cats have human hands and feet, and thus, thumbs?
Why was Judi Dench’s cat, Old Deuteronomy, wearing rings?
Yeah, the implication there is either a human is out there making very tiny rings for cats to wear, or there’s a special Cat Jeweler. I’m sure their name is “Jeweler Cat!” and there’s a kicky dance number in there somewhere.
What was with these damn names? Old Deuteronomy? Grizabella? Mr. Mistoffelees?
What? You never met a cat named Mungojerry before? You simply haven’t lived. I got nothing here, either. Ask T.S. Eliot.
Why were mice played exclusively by children, and all the cockroaches were hot chorus girls (that the cats kept eating?)
How come some cats could do magic and some couldn’t?
Well, obviously because some cats could do magic and some couldn’t. Weren’t you paying attention?
Why could some cats can unzip their fur and have another body underneath with more boobs and some couldn’t?
I think we all agree that this film was lacking more cat boobs, so I’m grateful for that handy plot device.
Why were the proportions all off on this movie?
Oh, you mean how sometimes the cats were less than half the size of a tombstone and other times, they could jump off a vanity table? Yet other times they could wear rings around their neck…and yet other times, they fit through normal-sized cat doors, proportionally?
I’m surprised you were paying attention to all that while they were singing and being really horny to each other.
Why were all the cats so, so, so horny?
Because it was the night of the Jellicle Ball. Duh.
What was the Jellicle Ball?! There was no explanation really given in the movie.
The Jellicle Ball is the Jellicle Ball. It simply is what it is.
Why did Idris Elba’s McCavity shout his name, after he disappeared in a puff of dust?
When you disappear via magic means, it’s good to let
people cats know it was you who did it and not another magical cat because there are multiple magical cats.
Why does Judi Dench break the fourth wall to sing to you to make sure you know she’s not a dog?
Why not?! It was basically the only exposition we got, so we would be grateful for it.
What the f*ck is a Railway Cat?
I don’t know, but he was aggressively horny and I was here for it. Weren’t you? He was better than the Theater Cat, at least!
Oh, you mean Sir Ian McKellan’s cat who would look mournfully about and then occasionally just lap up water? What was with that?
He was a mournful Theater Cat, what did you expect from him?
Why did the cat’s heads move sometimes, but their faces didn’t? (Most noticeable with Jason Derulo’s Rum Tug Tugger during his big song)
I can only assume that was an artistic choice and nothing to do with the final cut of the film not being ready until a few hours before the world premiere of the movie.
What was this movie?
I have no idea, but it was such a beautiful disaster that you couldn’t set out to make something that messy and bad if you tried. I loved every second of it.
For those of you who have further questions about this movie, I’ve got the universal answer for you below, so you don’t have to suffer in silence:
“Who the f*ck knows? This is Cats, baby!”
Header Image Source: YouTube/Universal Pictures