Lindsay Lohan is the cover lady for Paper magazine’s annual break the internet issue. Where once Kim Kardashian dared to balance champagne on her bum, Lindsay Lohan now poses as grown-up versions of Disney princesses in unflattering wigs. The thrill is definitely gone, friends.
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Princess Charming ✨ Take a look inside @lindsaylohan’s enduring cult of celebrity. #breaktheinternet #linkinbio Story by: @clairexvalentine Photographer: @jeff_bark Stylist: @lanajaylackey Fashion Direction: @miaasolkin Hair: @panosphair Makeup: @makeupmark Set Design: @schoolfloatnyc Production: @h4nn4hh Art Direction: @dwndwntwn
After reading the entire profile, all I can think to myself is ‘why?’ Why did Lohan agree to this article, which doesn’t paint her in a particularly good light; and why did Paper magazine decide to trot out Lohan once more to take pot shots?
It’s all just weird—we don’t find out anything new about Lohan in the profile, and instead she uses it to try to (half-assedly) rehabilitate the bad girl image she’s had for so long now, I’ve forgotten how it started.
“I would love to know why I get constantly clobbered in the press,” Lohan says. “I could do 99 things right and one thing wrong, but it’s that one thing that will be focused on. Behind the scenes I do what I can to be the best version of me, which never gets mentioned. I am also human. I make mistakes. That’s all that seems to get reported.”
I’m all for snarky celeb-profiles, but to me, the Paper take on Lohan seems mean-spirited in its rush to remind us of what a train wreck Lindsay Lohan once was (and probably still is, to some extent.) The profiler mentions assaults against Lohan twice, with a gleeful casual indifference that is gross.
“Lohan’s mistakes are stuff of celebrity folklore, having been reported ad nauseum for decades, her every movement surveilled by men with long lenses. A video shot from a rooftop watching her complete court-ordered community service at an LA morgue comes to mind, as do the infamous “upskirt” shots of herself and contemporaries like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton in the early 2000s.”
Hey, fun fact. Upskirt shots are a form of sexual assault, but yes, let’s bring it up just for fun, shall we? The early 2000s what a time to be alive! If you’re wondering, no, there is no further mention of upskirts to make a larger cultural point. It’s just misplaced nostalgia of the most f*cked up degree.
“The Mykonos resort is the setting and the subject of Lohan’s upcoming Vanderpump Rules-style reality show, Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club airing on MTV on January 8, 2019. Located near the beach where Lohan’s ex-fiancé was filmed assaulting her in 2016, the resort is both Lohan’s powerful reclamation of a painful memory and a savvy business move.”
Yes. The profiler casually mentioned a physical assault against Lohan, as an anecdote, in the middle of a damn sentence. A throwaway line to be treated as an interesting color to Lohan’s new reality show.
The point of both these flippant asides are clear: the Lohan spectacle is still in full gear in the press. To this I’m still shouting “why” into the void. Why do we need to tear this woman down? Why do we need to profile her at all? She’s just living her life; do we really need to do this?
Lohan is a willing participant in this profile, most likely oblivious (or resigned) to the eventual outcome of the piece. She’s clearly trying to break away from her party girl image, and made clunky points throughout the profile about who she is as a person, now:
“I am who I am. I’m a good person,” she says. “I take care of myself. I’m healthy. I like to have fun, but that doesn’t mean I need to go out and drink and be crazy. I have a good relationship with that. It’s funnier to watch other people party. My brother and his wife came out to Mykonos and everyone wanted to go out every night, but I pretty much just went home; some of my friends didn’t want to go out, so they’d come and I’d cook. I like cooking for people and having people over and listening to good music.”
I don’t follow Lindsay Lohan, but I can’t help but think that if she really wanted a career rehab “I’m a grown up now” piece she would have gone to People instead of Paper. They would have been more sympathetic to her narrative.
People never would let her take photos in cheap-looking wigs. People would never trot out traumatizing life events as casual anecdotes. People wouldn’t bring up her bizarre social media posts where she is accused of attempted kidnapping of children Syrian refugees and then accuses said family of being child traffickers, and then never really give us a resolution to it—letting it hang out there just to remind everyone what a f*ck up you are and always will be.
Regarding the incident with the family, she offers later through a rep over email: “I read the situation wrong. I’ve learned from it. And that’s all I have to say.”
This is not a defense of Lindsay Lohan. She’s done some really dumb things (see social media anecdote above) which doesn’t excuse her. I just don’t understand why we’re still in this Sisyphean narrative loop about her? Lindsay Lohan is a f*ck up. The press talks about her. Lindsay Lohan doesn’t want to be a f*ck up. The press talks about her. Lindsay Lohan f*cks up, again. Wash, rinse, repeat since 2004.
I genuinely don’t know, or understand, the point of this Lohan profile—it just made me feel sad for everyone involved. Sometimes we don’t get the comebacks we crave. Sometimes it better to just let sleeping child stars lie where they are. I guess that’s not as entertaining though.
Header Image Source: Getty