Ah pregnancy: the most beautiful, natural, wonderful thing in the world.
JK, LOL, no. It’s a wide-awake body-horror nightmare with only a few admittedly amazing and wonderful moments. But other than that? UGH. How the human species has not evolved into an easier and less awful method of doing this kind of thing tells me that if there is a God, God is a dude and fucking HATES people with uteruses.
Anyway. Kelly Clarkson gets it.
After her difficult pregnancies with her children River Rose and Remington Alexander, Kelly Clarkson is totally and completely done having kids. The 34-year-old singer joined Jenny McCarthy on Sirius XM Entertainment Thursday and revealed that not only did she get her tubes tied after Remi’s birth in April, but she made her husband, Brandon Blackstock, get a vasectomy, too.
“I was literally pregnant with Remi, and I was like, ‘You are getting fixed. This will never happen to me again,’” she revealed. “If something happens, it’s a miracle of God. I literally told my OBGYN on the table while open, ‘If I get pregnant again, I will find you!’”
As she’s revealed in the past, Clarkson struggled through her pregnancies, suffering from terrible morning sickness and nausea.
“It’s horrible. Nothing is beautiful, nothing is magical,” she said of being pregnant. “Whatever, you’re that person that gets that pregnancy, good for you. But I will remind my children every day of their lives what I [went through]. I was like hospitalized both pregnancies. And then I thought, I wanted another little buddy [for River]. I didn’t want a kid to just be an odd man out because I felt like that a lot. I wanted her to have somebody her age, like when we’re traveling. And so I thought, ‘OK, we’ll just do it again.’ I was like, ‘There’s no way it can happen again,’ but it was worse. Remi’s pregnancy was worse than River’s.”
I’m not even going to sit here and list all of the hideous nonsense that can happen during pregnancy. I’ll just list mine:
- morning sickness for six straight weeks like the worst hangover you’ve ever had
- a ruptured ovarian cyst that sent me to the hospital and terrified me something had happened to my baby
- the stomach flu that sent me the the hospital and terrified me something had happened to my baby
- an inability to be properly medicated for anxiety and depression
- added hormones atop the existing anxiety and depression that worsened said conditions to the point of suicidal ideation and manic behavior
- six straight weeks of hospitalization in my first pregnancy for pre-term labor
- dangerous spikes in blood pressure leading to an immediate need to deliver
- two c-sections
- ruptured stitches after the second c-section
- hip dysplasia
- post-partum depression and bouts of post-partum psychosis
OMG and totes stretch marks too LOL pregnant women are so silly. FUCK YOU WITH A TIRE.
Ahem. But it’s totally magical. And I will say this: After my two pregnancies, motherhood is a goddamn breeze.
LOOK AT DA BABY!
Bonus: the actual best part of being pregnant because now I feel guilty. ADD THAT SHIT TO THE LIST.
Bonus bonus: the kind of actually actual best part of my being pregnant last time. BABY’S FIRST BIRD.