If you can’t tell already, I’m Pajiba’s resident basic b*tch. I love overpriced candles; I have standing, recurring orders at Glossier; and as soon as Halloween is over, I’m ready for Christmas. Yes, I’m sure there is a vocal majority of you who are going to complain about Christmas creep happening earlier every year, as is your wont, but I don’t care. I love Christmas, I love Christmas food, I love finding the perfect Christmas present, and most of all, I love Christmas music.
So it is with heavy heart that I inform you that Katy Perry’s new song, a Christmas song, is pretty terrible. It’s called “Cozy Little Christmas,” was released yesterday, and it’s basically the worst of what modern Christmas songs has to offer—materialistic forgettable lyrics, and worst of all, not catchy. It’s also weird because halfway through the song, Katy Perry switches from her fun, slightly-scratchy pop voice into what I think a second-string Cher impersonator, who is very hungover, would sound like at the Decatur Regional Airport on a day when no one’s tipping very well. It’s just not good.
The best (and worst) Christmas songs don’t have a lot to do with the Christmas season. “A Cozy Little Christmas” is only a Christmas song because of the bells that play in the background and the frequent mention of “Christmas” in the song. I have no problem with that—the greatest Christmas song of all time is “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home).” Fight me. I will win. It has nothing to do with Christmas per se, and yet it is the best Christmas song.
“A Cozy Christmas” is more akin to the Love Actually-universe idea of what a Christmas song should be—only in that world, they take a popular song and force “Christmas” into the lyrics. Here, they’re forcing “Christmas” into a terrible song, and the results just don’t pan out.
Modern Christmas songs that aren’t really about Christmas can be good -I’m not an obnoxious traditionalist who thinks the season’s offerings died when Bing Crosby did. Just see Sia’s 2017 entry with “Puppies Are Forever,” a song that’s been out for a year, and I have been known to sing to my dog at least once a month, every month, since.
It’s unfortunate that “A Cozy Christmas” is so bad, because I’m always looking for new Christmas songs to add to my Holiday repertoire—but we’ll just have to wait and see who else comes out with something this year. Just please not another Gwen Stefani/Blake Shelton Christmas duet, we’ve suffered enough in 2018 already.
In the meantime, if you want to assault your senses, “A Cozy Christmas” is exclusively available at Amazon music—you can either buy it, or stream if you have Amazon Music Unlimited—which I do, because I like to ask Alexa to play a song, and then scream at her when she invariably plays the wrong thing. Every time.
You can also hear a snippet via her tweet:
For all my friends secretly buying their tree already ðŸŽ SURPRISE! ðŸŽ Christmas comes early!ðŸŽ„Stream my new original song #CozyLittleChristmas only on @AmazonMusic now! https://t.co/LAdQo7Sdds â¤ï¸ðŸ’šâ¤ðŸ’šâ¤ pic.twitter.com/3miJsxDj8h— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) November 15, 2018