Jennifer Aniston Is the Dumb Tabloid Body Shaming We Need in These Troubled Times
Because somehow the unnecessary speculation regarding a woman’s body is the least unpalatable thing in the news today.
I didn’t say it was palatable. It’s simply not dead people or unbearable politician types.
Yes. Gaze into her still totally slender middle region. Clearly FILLED with tiny humans. Nevermind that this doesn’t even qualify as a “bump” or even a food baby, just, like, basic existence, but WE’RE JUST ASKING QUESTIONS HERE. EYEBALL EMOJI.
MIRACLE BABY. FINALLY PREGNANT. HER PURPOSE HAS COME TO PASS AT LAST AND WE WILL NOT FEED HER TO THE COWS.
I mean, I see how they could be so excited about this, what with how it’s literally the first time she’s ever been troubled with rumors like this.
Anyway, I, like most people, could not give a shit whether or not Jennifer Aniston is pregnant. I think she’s made it fairly clear over the last 20-plus years in the spotlight that she has little to no interest in such a thing, but a horrible combination of tabloid media and a largely insufferable fanbase, made up entirely of people we avoid in the office breakroom, has made this her entire life story. WHEN WILL JEN REPRODUCE? IS JEN JEALOUS OF ANGIE? WHEN WILL JEN BE COMPLETE? WHY DOES JEN REFUSE TO REPRODUCE? WHY WILL JEN DIE SO ALONE? DID SHE ALREADY REPRODUCE AND HIDE THE BABIES IN A CLOSET OR SOMETHING?
Nothing is more infuriating than the wicked “bump watch,” particularly the kind that has plagued this one woman. Nothing is more infuriating than literally everything else happening this week, so, sorry Jen. But thank you for taking one (one here meaning maybe a single carbonated beverage) for the team and giving these dumpsterfuck tabloids something to quack about.