Friends, in our desperate efforts to make the phrase “where the sun don’t shine” obsolete, perhaps we have flown a little too close to the sun, literally. I am, of course, talking about sticking your naked butt in the air to sun it, for reasons I’m not totally sure on but dummies on social media are telling you to do it, so why not?
Josh Brolin decided to share his experiences sunning his butt with the world, and the results were, as you might expect, not great, Bob
Per Page Six:
“My pucker hole is crazy burned and I was going to spend the day shopping with my family and instead I’m icing and using aloe and burn creams because of the severity of the pain,” Brolin wrote next to a photo of a naked man lying on his back with his legs in the air as the sun kisses his posterior.
Naturally, because nothing in this reality is real that isn’t posted on social media, the above quote was pulled from his Instagram post:
View this post on Instagram
Tried this perineum sunning that I’ve been hearing about and my suggestion is DO NOT do it as long as I did. My pucker hole is crazy burned and I was going to spend the day shopping with my family and instead I’m icing and using aloe and burn creams because of the severity of the pain. I don’t know who the fuck thought of this stupid shit but fuck you nonetheless. Seriously. #blackholefriday #blackholesun #severeperineumburns #santamonicafiredepartment #assholecare
You may be wondering where to go from here, and I’m here to guide you on this journey of self-discovery—if you feel that your butt isn’t getting enough attention, sunning it is not the way to go. Instead, consider reading it a poem you write to show your appreciation for all the unsung work it does for you, daily. Or perhaps consider reciting affirmations, throughout the day, to tell your butt that it’s doing good, nay, great work. You may even want to consider investing in good cushions where you sit, or perhaps, if you’re really feeling like telling your butt it did a great job this year, investing in a squatty potty, which all those Buzzfeed posts tell me are good for you and your butt.
What you should not do, is subject your butt directly to sunlight, without any sun protection. That is virgin skin. It does not have a “base tan” built up to protect itself. While you may think giving your butt some sun is a kind thing to do, like introducing pizza to a toddler for the first time, it’s more akin to throwing a toddler into a deep pool of water and expecting the child to intrinsically know how to swim. Your butt does not know how to handle sun, because presumably, the sun has never shown, fully, on your butt and all its parts—thus the phrase “sun don’t shine.”
Now, I don’t want to seem like a Boomer, as the kids are calling it these days—but sometimes, the sayings of our elders were not just funny phrases but words meant to guide us. For generations, our ancestors told us that sun doesn’t shine on our butts—and who are we to deny the old ways? Sometimes the old ways are good for us, and when we lose sight of that, we end up burning our “pucker holes”, as Josh Brolin did. Don’t be like Josh Brolin. Honor your butt (and its limitations) and it will honor you for a lifetime.
Header Image Source: Getty