I haven’t heard the name Teri Hatcher in years, not since the end of Desperate Housewives and rumors that she was impossible to work with and “the meanest woman in the world.” Post-Housewives, there were also rumors that the ex-girlfriend of Ryan Seacrest was homeless and living in a van.
I can’t speak to the rumors about her meanness, but she was never homeless. However, at some point in the mid-to-late aughts, Hatcher pivoted to stand-up comedy and has Roy F**king Kent to thank for it. This anecdote comes from a Variety piece in 2021, but Indiewire cited it in a story about some of Goldstein’s old stand-up comedy, which he has had removed from the Internet because it’s apparently outdated and he doesn’t want to get canceled. It was too good not to repeat here, mostly because I never expected to see Hatcher’s name in the same paragraph as Brett Goldstein and Aisling Bea, nor did I expect an “average vagina” to play a role in the story. But here we are:
Not long after she began participating in these types of storytelling events, Hatcher went to a show in which her friend Aisling Bea was performing. She ended up meeting and unintentionally trying out some material on Bea’s friend, a pre-“Ted Lasso” Brett Goldstein.
“I had come from the gynecologist’s office and I don’t know why, standing and talking to Brett Goldstein — who is this lovely man but I didn’t know who he is because it was years ago — I start telling him the story about how I hadn’t had sex in a long time and how I was potentially meeting this guy who maybe I was going to get to be having sex with but I hadn’t had sex in such a long time I wasn’t sure if it all worked down there,” Hatcher recalls with a laugh. “I went to the gynecologist with that in mind and I didn’t really know how to ask the gynecologist that question and I finally just said to him, ‘Does it look like a guy would have a good time in there?’ I really said that and he really backed away from me and he went, ‘Teri, you have a totally average vagina.’ Brett fell out laughing and said, ‘That should be the title of your one-woman show.’”
That idea sparked something greater in Hatcher, who began working on longer-form material. She stayed in touch with Goldstein. The two met up a handful of times when he was in Los Angeles to flesh it out further. “He helped me form what would be maybe an outline of a one-woman show: goals of talking about my sexual abuse as a child and my perpetrator going to jail and what it’s like to be caring for aging parents — subjects I’d like to figure out how to make funny,” Hatcher explains.
Stories like these illustrate, again, just how small the industry is.