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God Dammit, Chris Brown

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | October 8, 2013 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | October 8, 2013 |

Human sack of dicks Chris Brown did an interview. Spoiler: he acted like a big sack of dicks. So, here we are again.

Here’s the thing. You may have noticed that a few weeks back, when Brown compared himself to Trayvon Martin, I didn’t post about it. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, because he didn’t directly state, “People are still mad about me beating Rihanna unconscious because they’re racist, so I am just like Trayvon Martin.” I thought, perhaps this is out of context, I won’t post about.

Except that’s totally what he was saying.

“Community service, that shit is a bitch. I’ll be honest - and you can quote me on that - that is a motherfucker there. For me, I think it’s more of a power trip for the DA. I can speak freely now, because I don’t really care what they say about it, but as far as, like, the 1,000 extra hours they gave me, that’s totally fricking bananas.”

Did it seem vindictive to him? “Oh, absolutely. They want me to be the example. Young black kids don’t have the fairer chances. You can see Lindsay Lohan in and out of court every day, you see Charlie Sheen, whoever else, do what they want to do. There hasn’t been any incident that I started since I got on probation, even with the Frank Ocean fight, the Drake situation, all those were defense modes. People think I just walk around as the aggressor, this mad black guy, this angry, young, troubled kid, but I’m not. I’m more and more laid-back. It’s just that people know if they push a button, it’ll make more news than their music. Attaching themselves to me, good or bad, will benefit them.”

UGH, my minor punishment for BEATING A WOMAN UNCONSCIOUS AND BITING HER FACE was such a bitch. Work is hard, guys!

He lost his virginity when he was eight years old, to a local girl who was 14 or 15. Seriously? “Yeah, really. Uh-huh.” He grins and chuckles. “It’s different in the country.” Brown grew up with a great gang of boy cousins, and they watched so much porn that he was raring to go. “By that point, we were already kind of like hot to trot, you know what I’m saying? Like, girls, we weren’t afraid to talk to them; I wasn’t afraid. So, at eight, being able to do it, it kind of preps you for the long run, so you can be a beast at it. You can be the best at it.”

Like…is he bragging about being raped? And saying it’s made him great at sex? I know that 14 or 15 is not technically an adult, but we’re all in agreement that there’s a world of fucking difference between 8 and a high schooler and that that’s what this is, right?

He describes “the Rihanna incident” as “probably the biggest wake-up call for me. I had to stop acting like a little teenager, a crazy, wild young guy.” But when I ask if that’s how he thinks of himself when he looks back at that time, he snaps back, “No, not at all” as if the description had been mine and not his. “Cos you can talk with all my girls that I did mess with before, and it’s never been a violent history.” Then he switches again: “But at the same time, I learned from it, and it was almost like… I wouldn’t say it happened for a reason, but it was something to trigger my mind to be more of a mature adult. To handle myself in situations, don’t throw tantrums, don’t be a baby about it.”

I want us all to really stop and focus on this part and how he describes what “the Rihanna incident” was. Wild. Crazy. Acting like a teenager. A tantrum. Being a baby. I mean, that is the kind of understatement I cannot even comprehend.

And then he starts talking about his class about violence against women. Oh guys. He has some thoughts on it.

“I think the actual class I went to was a little bit sexist.” What does he mean? “It was beneficial because it made me cater more to a woman’s thoughts and a woman’s needs, and how to handle situations. But the class itself, no disrespect to the class, but the class itself only tells you you’re wrong, you’re wrong, you’re wrong.” I ask him to elaborate, but he seems to check himself. “Well, I don’t want to get too far into that.”

…Are you fucking kidding me? The class was sexist because it didn’t tell you, “you were at least a little bit justified in beating the ever-living shit out of this girl” and high fiving you because bitches, man?

Just…just god dammit, Chris Brown. Just god dammit everything all the time.