A Far Too Deep Dive Into Michael Bublé’s Hilariously No-Homo Cover of ‘Santa Baby’

By Kayleigh Donaldson | Celebrity | December 19, 2023 |

By Kayleigh Donaldson | Celebrity | December 19, 2023 |

Tis the season for exhaustingly inescapable festive music. If you, like me, don’t have much time for Christmas songs, the entire month of December (and at least half of November) is a minor nightmare. No shopping centre or supermarket is safe from the repetitive playlist of jingling bells, Live Aids, and Mariah Carey’s belting. Hey, those musicians have to get the royalties in quickly for their Summer beach house payments. One of the most visible singers during this period is one Michael Bublé, Canada’s crooner and the guy you choose for your first wedding dance when John Legend is a tad too spicy.

Here is a man who was destined to be a Christmas easy-listening favourite. He’s now such a festive staple that the British supermarket chain ASDA made him the star of their Christmas ad campaign based on his seasonal omnipresence. He hosts annual Christmas specials and has sung Christmas duets with the likes of Dolly Parton and Shania Twain. In 2011, he released Christmas, which has sold more than 16 million copies worldwide. That makes it one of the biggest-selling albums of the 21st century. Seriously, that puts it above Dangerously in Love and The Emancipation of Mimi. The album is a standard Xmas work, with the big songs in there like ‘Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town’ and ‘It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas’, the latter of which might be the song he’s become most known for in this holiday.

Also on this album is a cover of ‘Santa Baby’, one of the saucier and more tongue-in-cheek ballads of Christmas. Originally sung by Eartha Kitt, one of the most charismatic and saucy women in music, it’s a knowing nod to seasonal gifting and making sure you get bank by giving the bearded one what he wants. When sung by people who know what they’re talking about, ‘Santa Baby’ is pretty fun. But then here’s Mikey’s take. Hoo boy.

Bublé, of course, makes extensive lyrical changes to the song, mostly to swap the gender to have a guy asking Santa to buy him a ton of expensive stuff. This would be fun if Bublé committed to the sultriness of the song. Hey, you’re a good-looking guy, why wouldn’t you give St. Nick a good rub-down if he’s going to buy you a yacht? But nope, this thing is more no-homo than a night in a frat house dominated by Jordan Peterson fans.

Santa goes from being his baby to his ‘buddy’, ‘pally,’ and even his ‘poppy.’ Ew. But see, he’s totally not gay, guys. Santa’s just his pal. His bestie. His good time boy. Say what you want about that Luke Combs cover of ‘Fast Car’ but at least he had the nerve to sing the song from a female perspective and not rush to prove his manliness.

And just in case Bublé didn’t make it clear, he’s also asking for very macho gifts. No sable for him. He wants a Rolex, which is weird because given that he was a spokesperson for that watch company you’d think he could just ask for a freebie or six. His ‘65 convertible is ‘steel blue’ because light blue is for girls (and Eartha’s ‘54 car is too, I suppose?) He’ll ‘wait up for you, dude’ to get it. He’s been a good boy, he reminds his bro. ‘Think of all the hotties that I never kissed.’ Like the one you cheated on Emily Blunt with? He doesn’t want Tiffany’s Christmas decorations either, but ones from Mercedes. Got to prove to that tree that he’s not gay. Trees are the most suspicious.

He also asks for Vancouver Canucks tickets because he’s Canadian. Maple Leafs forever, sorry.

His final request: ‘Santa poppy, forgot to mention one little thing, cha-ching. No I don’t mean as a loan.’ As if all the other stuff wasn’t pricey enough. Eartha went big but even her wish list was smaller than the guy asking for a Rolex. Imagine asking for all this from your heterosexual acquaintance. You’re not even going to offer him a handie?

It’s a hilariously sexless song, and one without any awareness. Bublé can sing, but he’s not necessarily known for his radical interpretations of the classics. He’s not exactly Warren Zevon when it comes to imbuing a lyric with irony. So, even if this take on ‘Santa Baby’ is intended to be a joke, it falls flat because he sings it like every other Christmas song. That’s what makes the staggering no-homo of it all so ridiculous. It goes from seducing your sugar daddy to being a moocher. And it fails. What rich guy would fall for this?

Bublé’s ‘Santa Baby’ is frequently named one of the worst Christmas songs of all time, although it can rest easy knowing it’s not as evil as ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas’ or ‘The Christmas Shoes.’ It’s the epitome of playing it so safe that you end up sliding into uncomfortable and unintentionally hysterical territory. Leave it to Eartha, Mikey. And buy your own Rolex, dude.