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I Wouldn't F*ck You If You Were The Last D*ck On Earth

By Brian Prisco | Box Office Round-Ups | January 23, 2011 |

By Brian Prisco | Box Office Round-Ups | January 23, 2011 |

The Oscar Nominations are going to be announced Tuesday. I only mention that with a sigh of relief, kinda like a gal getting the STD “Ollie Ollie Oxen Free” after a night of “consensual” “sex” with Ashton Kutcher. Which he probably took obnoxious douchebaggy pictures of. Your c’nt got punk’d!

No Strings Attached barely managed to come out on top this weekend, where it had literally no competition with other new releases. It earned $20 million on a budget of $25 million, which means we’ll probably get inundated with other has-been television stars banging dramatic actors trying to earn their comedy stripes. I guess audiences just really like watching Natalie Portman get fucked by “That 70’s Show” stars. Balls in your court, Laura Prepon.

The Green Hornet added another $18 million to take the number two spot, bringing their total to almost $65 million. Of course, it’s got a helluva a long way to go to make the full $120 million. Instead of trying to be a comic-book hero, maybe Seth Rogen should have tried to fuck Natalie Portman.

The Dilemma barely edged out The King’s Speech for third place, and it’s almost nowhere near its budget. And since five, six, and seven were True Grit, Black Swan, and The Fighter respectively, and with the Oscar nods afoot, it’s going to take a nice fat kerplunk into the murky depths like it oughta. Sorry, pasty fat dough golem that took over Vince Vaughn’s body, nobody wants to see you oozing buttery charm no more.

Banes of cultural existence that they are, Little Fockers and Yogi Bear manage to shlorp down the line to numbers 8 and 9, and TRON: Legacy adds a few more shekels at number 10. It’s just further proof that people will watch just about anything that sullies the careers of cinematic legends.

The Company Men is still not making money, despite “opening” this week on a few more screens, which makes me happy. But sadly, The Way Back, in limited release, barely cracked a $1 million. It might be playing in that one random ass theatre near you, and you should really give it a chance.