Pajiba

Good Afternoon, Mr. Rowles:

In regards to item No. 7 on your list - are you still in possession of said item? If so, I should like to purchase it, as I am a collector of photographs and paintings depicting flaccid penises. Rest assured, I'll offer top dollar for the item. For reference, does the Polaroid have any noticeable odor? If so, I ask you package the item, prior to shipping, in a sealable plastic baggie. I eagerly await your response.

Thank you,
Skittimus Maximus Esquire, III
Private Investigator of Paranormal Humpings

When you say most of a kitten, what exactly does that mean? Are we talking a headless kitten? Or perhaps one with three legs, or missing a tail? Inquiring minds want to know.

"I am a collector of photographs and paintings depicting flaccid penises..."

I NEVER would have guessed that you were a fellow Flaccilator.

What a small world!

A ticket stub for Cats!: Starring Snoop Doggy Dogg

A dream come true?

Obviously Dustin is refering to the gourmet Bacos made from the cured flesh of the famed Japanese Poju swine. Raised in the foothills of the Southern Japanese island of Ioujima these pigs are treated to daily baths in the hot springs, then rubbed down and fed by specially trained pig handlers or "Foglers". At the age of 3 they are killed through a combination of ennui and strong drugs, then cured, chopped and flavored with flower scented oils. Used primarily for high-end potato skins, these tasty bits can also be used for grease based vision quests.

So, Rowles, was that was the pitch for The Hangover II, and then they wrote a script around finding ways to fit those items into the movie? Or are you just fucked in the head?

grease based vision quests

I think I may have had one of these. If not, then I'd like to.

yeah, most of my vision quests are more lube and shame based.

penis stuffing? I thought that was an old family recipe.

2. A receipt for an inflatable goat and edible panties flavored like Cool Ranch Doritos.

I don't usually bother with ambiguous modifiers but Cool Ranch Dorito flavored edible panties, or a similarly flavored inflatable goat? This time it's a big deal because, well, the flavored inflatable goat I understand. The other thing is just weird.

Let me break it down. Flavored edible panties means somebody's got a thing for Ali Landry, which is just twisted. Have you heard her talking about god (not godtopus, the other one) these days? Caught me completely by surprise. I had trauma.

So, channel surfing found me some random celeb fake-sport-off with my former lech object among them, in the sponsor's tailored wares and various degrees of sweaty undress. So far, all good. Then they let her speak.

She starts thanking the baby (not pajibaby, the other kind) jeebus for letting her not loose horribly against a bulemic supermodel paired with an ambiguously-gay tweener cokehead-douche. Then, it's all about how she's there to represent, for god and stuff (still the other one.) And bring the message. And also to show how a mother can also be all hot and stuff after the hatching, but, you know, for jeebus. I mean, she went full-Appolonia-the-redeemer there.

They should not let stuff like that on TV.

Anyway, if the inflatable goat is all tasty cool ranch, that's just normal hijinks. If it's the other thing, run, run, run for the hills before the rapture gets you. For jeebus. Or something.

I once found Jesus in the pocket of a rented tuxedo once. We went out for drinks. Then the bastard ran out and stiffed me on the bar tab. If I ever see the fucker again I'll break his jaw...

The pastrami melt, the Bacos and the can of Old Milwaukee Light sound good about now. I'm starved.