Top Ten Random Trailers For Horror Movies That You Never Knew Existed
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Top Ten Random Trailers For Horror Movies That You Never Knew Existed

By TK | Seriously Random Lists | May 30, 2013 | Comments ()

Osombie as himself.jpg

I got sucked down into the Youtube rabbit hole earlier today. I don't even know what started it -- there's an indefinable chicken-and-egg thing going on when I get dragged through a fight with Youtube videos. It's usually "West Wing" clips or movie trailers, and today it was the latter. I ended up discovering a vast wasteland of trailers for horror films that either came out last year or are coming out this year that somehow I've never heard of. These are actual movies, and they are uniformly as awful as they are awesome. They're cheap, gory, stupid, badly acted, and glorious.

And because I am a kind and benevolent TK, I am sharing them with you.

10. Cell Count -- described as "possibly the new Cabin Fever!" OK, 1) that is not a film to aspire to and 2) "possibly"? That's a ringing endorsement if I ever heard one.

9. Growth -- I can't wait for the sequel, Tumor.

8. Crawl -- I love the ominous one-word title. It's lazy yet efficient. Also, apparently someone at Dreadcentral said this rivals No Country For Old Men. Find whoever said that and bring me his head.

7. Outpost 2: Black Sun -- Don't ask me what happened to Outpost 1. All I know is Nazis and zombies and I am fucking sold.

6. Hellgate -- That is the f*cking Dread Pirate Roberts, y'all. I am disappoint.

5. Habeus Corpus -- I just can't with that title.

4. Devil's Playground -- I'm not gonna lie, you had me at "zombie parkour."

3. Bath Salt Zombies -- This is an actual movie that you can watch on a screen. It has actors and a director and everything. Seriously.

2. Zombie Massacre -- There's an elegant simplicity to the title, I'll give it that. Also, the German accent is MARVELOUS.

1. Osombie -- Shirtless American ninjas fighting zombie Osama Bin Laden? Don't lie, you wept a little at how beautiful this was.

TK acknowledges that there are better ways to spend his time, but he can't help himself. The power of pulp compels him.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • I saw 'Growth' and 'Outpost 2' off of Netflix Instant. They were exactly the sort of movies the trailers would make you think they are.

  • What the fuck has happened to Cary Elwes?! Seriously.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    No comment on William Hurt in Hellgate?

    Also, Zombie Massacre sports Uwe Boll as the PotUS. I don't know if that's supposed to be a bug or a feature.

  • Slash

    Well, they're keeping special effects and makeup people employed, so good for them.

  • emmelemm

    Now, usually I am FIRST IN LINE for terrible horror movies, but these... just look terrible.

  • Drake

    I don't understand all the shirtless-ness in Osombie, but I approve.

  • Robert

    I'm not going to lie. I thought I'd click on this and see a bunch of movies I knew about. I was wrong. I only knew about Bath Salt Zombies. Well played, TK.

  • BlackRabbit

    Actually, I saw both Outpost and Outpost 2. First one is much better, has bigger stars and better atmosphere. Second just has Catherine Steadman looking damned hot throughout. So perhaps it balances, but I'd at least check out the first one.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Second one also has Jeff from Coupling. So there's that.

  • BlackRabbit

    Holy crap! Is THAT who that was? I really didn't recognize him, but I thought he looked familiar.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Growth — I can’t wait for the sequel, Tumor.

    It's not a tumor! It's not a tumor. At all!

    (someone had to say it)

  • I can't watch the trailers until I get home, but just knowing most of these exist makes me giddy.

  • zeke_the_pig

    Not Habeus Corpsus? Seriously?

  • TK

    Believe me, I'm as disappointed as you are.

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