I got sucked down into the Youtube rabbit hole earlier today. I don’t even know what started it — there’s an indefinable chicken-and-egg thing going on when I get dragged through a fight with Youtube videos. It’s usually “West Wing” clips or movie trailers, and today it was the latter. I ended up discovering a vast wasteland of trailers for horror films that either came out last year or are coming out this year that somehow I’ve never heard of. These are actual movies, and they are uniformly as awful as they are awesome. They’re cheap, gory, stupid, badly acted, and glorious.
And because I am a kind and benevolent TK, I am sharing them with you.
10. Cell Count — described as “possibly the new Cabin Fever!” OK, 1) that is not a film to aspire to and 2) “possibly”? That’s a ringing endorsement if I ever heard one.
9. Growth — I can’t wait for the sequel, Tumor.
8. Crawl — I love the ominous one-word title. It’s lazy yet efficient. Also, apparently someone at Dreadcentral said this rivals No Country For Old Men. Find whoever said that and bring me his head.
7. Outpost 2: Black Sun — Don’t ask me what happened to Outpost 1. All I know is Nazis and zombies and I am fucking sold.
6. Hellgate — That is the f*cking Dread Pirate Roberts, y’all. I am disappoint.
5. Habeus Corpus — I just can’t with that title.
4. Devil’s Playground — I’m not gonna lie, you had me at “zombie parkour.”
3. Bath Salt Zombies — This is an actual movie that you can watch on a screen. It has actors and a director and everything. Seriously.
2. Zombie Massacre — There’s an elegant simplicity to the title, I’ll give it that. Also, the German accent is MARVELOUS.
1. Osombie — Shirtless American ninjas fighting zombie Osama Bin Laden? Don’t lie, you wept a little at how beautiful this was.
TK acknowledges that there are better ways to spend his time, but he can’t help himself. The power of pulp compels him.