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The Five Breakfast Cereals Most Ripe for a Big Screen Adaptation

A Seriously Random List / Dustin Rowles

Seriously Random Lists | November 10, 2009 | Comments (43)

True story: I was standing over a bowl of Honey Comb this morning, trying to come up with an idea for a Seriously Random List, and thinking to myself, ‘We’ve done over 200 of these SRLs. Before long, we’ll be writing up lists on our favorite cereals.” And then today’s idea came to me:

The Five Breakfast Cereals Most Ripe for a Big Screen Adaptation


5. Kashi Puffs: A movie about a group of smelly, self-righteous hippies whose houses smell like a Trader Joe’s who brainwash the United States into believing that tasteless, all-natural cereals will provide eternal youth. Kashi then corners the market on natural food products and manipulates their advantage by turning America into a hideous socialist state where gays can marry freely and everyone has free health care. But at what cost? BUT AT WHAT COST? Produced, directed, and starring the smelly unshaven members of a Seattle food co-op.

Tagline: GOLEAN or Grow Old.

4. Coco Pops: A fictional docu-drama about a group of African-American children who enroll in a predominantly white public school. Several days after class begins, the complexion of the white kids mysteriously grows darker. Although the males have a more difficult time catching a cab, they also discover that their luck with the ladies improves dramatically. Complications ensue, however, when the racist townspeople get involved. Spike Lee to direct.

Tag line: “Coco Pops make milk go choc!”

3. Wheaties: The Movie: (From an edition of our own, Two Truths and a Lie): General Mills, in conjunction with Paramount Pictures, will develop a sports movies inspired by its Wheaties breakfast cereal. Gregory Allen Howard (Remember the Titans) will write a script that will focus on a superstar athlete as he aims to get his face on the cover of a Wheaties box. Peyton Manning, Kevin Garnett, and Albert Pujols will provide cameos.

Tagline: The Breakfast of Champions. And not Donovan McNabb.

2. Cap’n Crunch: A movie about thousands of tiny crunch aliens that sneak through your lips while you’re asleep, shred the roof of your mouth, dig their way into your skull, and feed on your brain. A misfit group of rebels called The Soggies (led by Bruce Willis) are the only people standing between the alien leader, Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch, and complete world domination. Directed by Gore Verbinski ( Pirates of the Caribbean).

Tagline: Crunch-a-tizing!


1. Life: A bland melodrama that looks good for a few minutes, but then turns into a big pile of overly sweet grey mush that the audience has a hard time swallowing without gagging. Starring Cameron Diaz, and directed by Nora Ephron.

Tagline: Life’s a bitch. Then you die.


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Comments

"And not Donovan McNabb."

Zzzzzzzinger!

Poor Donovan. First Rush, now you DR. Tough world.

Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at November 10, 2009 12:36 PM

I figured by now they would have upgraded him to Admiral Crunch, but God bless the bastard and his sugar-coated razor blades of doom.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at November 10, 2009 12:37 PM

What about Trix? Definitely a "hooker with a heart of gold" story. She only street-walks to take care of her delightfully quirky, somehow handicapped child.

Tagline, of course: Trix are for kids.

Posted by: Boo Berry at November 10, 2009 12:39 PM

What? WHAT? No Cocoa Puffs, with the cuckoo bird going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?

Bird was on drugs, man, serious speed. Needs an intervention of a trip to rehab.

What? WHAT? No Trix, with the scheming rabbit going cuckoo for Trix?

Rabbit has a habit, man. Needs an intervention or a trip to rehab.

What? WHAT? No Rice Krispies and the REAL story behind Snap, Crackle and Pop's gay threesome?

What? WHAT? No Quisp and Quake? Count Chocula and BooBerry and FrankenBerry? The pervy looking Quaker Oats guy?

The possibilities are endless. The mind boggles. The milk runneth over.

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at November 10, 2009 12:42 PM

Dustin! I can't believe you not capitalizing on the whole "Blood-Sucker" thing. Seriously! A Count Chocula movie is right there waiting to be plucked from the (general) mill.

In a little nowhere town, a girl finds herself entranced by a smooth, but elusive, sweetheart of a guy. She's drawn to him and his candy-coated lines, but something keeps them apart: he's a vampire with a sweet-tooth and she's a diabetic. Will her love ever satisfy his hunger??? And drama from his wealthy European family causes an even greater rift between the two lovers. Will Ellafofella Peacock ever be allowed her Count Charming??!?!!???

Vacantstare McLipbitey and Wild Hairingston to star in Count Chocula! a Disney channel original!

Posted by: Kayanne at November 10, 2009 12:43 PM

Fruity Pebbles - A career-restart for the former pop-tart , a sort of a pob-diva meets "The L Word" thing.

Cinnamon Live - with Halle Berry, because we're all trans/post racial now. And she's hot.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at November 10, 2009 12:45 PM

Off-topic: Wouldn't the Cavity Creeps make an awesome movie? I think they totally would.

WE MAKE HOLES IN TEETH!

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at November 10, 2009 12:46 PM

Trix's daughter, Irene (but they call her Penny, because when she was born, Trix's Mom said "She looks as pretty as a new penny") was born with two huge over sized ears. She can't attend normal school because all of the other kid's are always calling her "Silly Rabbit" and the like. Her absentee father, a retired military man named General Mills (we don't even know his first name), refuses to own up and acknowledge Penny's fragile existense, leaving her mother to walk the streets in search of a better life for the two of them.

Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at November 10, 2009 12:46 PM

Cinnamon Life - I fail at internet.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at November 10, 2009 12:47 PM

I do believe Kayanne has won this thread.


Also, I was reminded of this.

Posted by: Jerce at November 10, 2009 12:50 PM

What the fuck are Coco Pops? I've heard of Cocoa Puffs, Cocoa Pebbles, and Cocoa Krispies, but never Coco Pops.

Posted by: henchman for hire at November 10, 2009 12:56 PM

...But will Trix save up enough money for Penny's much-needed ear reduction surgery, or will her pimp, Dig'em, get her hooked on his Sugar Smacks?

Posted by: Boo Berry at November 10, 2009 12:58 PM

"A misfit group of rebels called The Soggies (led by Bruce Willis) are the only people standing between the alien leader, Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch,"...
(played by Jeffry Tambor)

Posted by: jason at November 10, 2009 1:02 PM

What does it say about The Eloquents that you can write literally THE most random list ever, and they already have about five different suggestions lined up for it? I am in awe of you people. I'd tip my hat to you if I didn't believe that hats are fucking stupid.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at November 10, 2009 1:05 PM

Frosted mini-wheats:

Long thought to be unfilmable, David Cronenberg explores the two personalities evoked in the lead (Viggo Mortensen). When a spoon comes between the personalities, can the mini-wheat ever mend or is the separation inevitable. Substitute human flesh for the wheat (Cronenberg's license and contractual obligation)

Posted by: Pausner at November 10, 2009 1:06 PM

I don't think so, Jerce, Boo Berry's Dig'em as a pimp thing was pure gold.

Posted by: Kayanne at November 10, 2009 1:07 PM

Raisin Bran: An independent release starring a bunch of Middle-American nobodies. Here's the plot in a nutshell: There's some overweight forty-something with a lazy eye and a stuffed armadillo who sits on the concrete steps of a run-down tanning salon; a pair of kids in leg braces who chuck rocks at a burnt refrigerator; a teenage girl with Down syndrome who knits God's eyes out of popsicle sticks and yarn pulled from the sweater of her dead Grandmother; a fifteen-minute shot of a soggy bowl of Kellogg's Raisin Bran with a drowned mouse in it backed by the sounds of people screaming racial slurs; and finally, a three-legged dog pissing on a Missouri state flag while getting dry humped by the lazy eyed fellow from the opening scenes of the film.

Directed by Harmony Korrine and financed with money that could've been better spent on determining the effects of Mallow Fluff on the fur of cancerous lab rabbits. Fuck Gummo...

Posted by: Skitz at November 10, 2009 1:20 PM

Count Chocula: Now with more sparkle marshmallows.

Posted by: BWeaves at November 10, 2009 1:27 PM

"a three-legged dog pissing on a Missouri state flag while getting dry humped by the lazy eyed fellow from the opening scenes of the film."
-------------------------------------------------
Did you ever know that you're my hero? And that goes for all of you guys, Skitz.

Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at November 10, 2009 1:37 PM

Produced, directed, and starring the smelly unshaven members of a Seattle food co-op.

I resemble that remark.

Dammit!!

Posted by: MM at November 10, 2009 1:50 PM

"Did you ever know that you're my hero?"

JDW - I read that aloud, whisper-singing with a lump in my throat, a single tear running down our collective cheek. When it hit my upper lip, I realized it was Italian dressing from my Jimmy John's sandwich. The lump in my throat turned out to be a poorly-chewed combo of bread, onion and genoa salami.

I'm may be a messy eater, but my emotions ring true...

Posted by: Skitz at November 10, 2009 1:56 PM

Shredded Wheat: This time it's personal

Yeah, I'm not good at stuff like this.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 10, 2009 1:58 PM

Lucky Charms is the story of a hapless girl (Lindsay Lohan) who follows her rainbow to Ireland. There she encounters a down-on-his-luck paranoid curmudgeon (Colin Farrell) who plots elaborate schemes to first trick, then escape from, the girl he suspects is after his legendary variety of marijuana, UvGold.

Posted by: Wednesday at November 10, 2009 1:59 PM

Dang. I was eating Kashi when I read this. And as a weekly shopper at my local Trader Joe's, I would totally watch the Kashi movie.

But a much "grittier" movie could be made from Trix. Just think about the dramatic possibilities inherent in the scene where Joe the rabbit goes into withdrawal, cold-turkey, because his dealers (those dang kids) won't give him a taste. This is perfect for a comedic actor wanting to show his dramatic range. How about Dane Cook?

Posted by: True_Blue at November 10, 2009 2:07 PM

Sugar Smacks: The Motion Picture

When young Dig'em Frog (Eljiah Wood) is forced to defend the magical sugar swamp from the overbearing power of evil Sir Wheat-A-Lot (Tim Curry), he finds out that being the defender of the sweet life is a lot harder than he thought. With D.A.B.T.'s help, a sassy mosquito (Queen Latifah), Dig'em Frog takes down the fibrous and cruel empire of Sir Wheat-A-Lot and makes the world safe again for massive sugar consumption every morning. Presented in Disney Digital 3D.

Posted by: Robert at November 10, 2009 2:11 PM

Robert--a great script! Of course, it needs some work. Like, who's the love interest? There's gotta be a girl somewhere. I'm sure our animators could come up with a design for a girl frog with boobies. I'm thinking Megan Fox voicing it. And we need some evil sidekicks--you know, comic relief? Maybe that guy from Arrested Development, Will Arnett, will do it.

Posted by: True_Blue at November 10, 2009 2:19 PM

Marshmallow Treasures:It's the story of a hapless girl (an often topless Ali Lohan), who follows a Pirate Ship to Scotland. There she encounters a down-and-out schizophrenic asshole (Scott Stapp) who plots elaborate schemes to first confuse, then evade, the girl he suspects is after his heroin booty.

It's basically the same premise as the above-listed Lucky Charms, but this fucker's a straight to DVD release. There's a shitload of nudity and also a preview for the new Gobots movie, Avenging the Fallen, also a straight to DVD release...

Posted by: Skitz at November 10, 2009 2:23 PM

Frosted Flakes
A madcap comedy about a group of highlighted-hair housewives who simply cannot keep up with their obligations.

Featuring Kate Gosselin in an extended cameo.

Posted by: Drake at November 10, 2009 2:54 PM

Grapenuts by Jim Jarmusch
Honey Nut Cheerios by Richard Kelly

Posted by: Mr. Scratch at November 10, 2009 3:01 PM

Robert--a great script! Of course, it needs some work.
That's what Patton Oswalt's for: the first round of scriptdoctoring that makes the film too smart for the general public, so they bring on whoever did the last revision of Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties and queef out some CG. Simple, simple.

Like, who's the love interest?
I pictured it more as a buddy picture, but D.A.B.T.'s is sometimes referred to as "The Sugar" by Dig'Em Frog, so maybe she can do double duty? Otherwise, I doubt Lady Gremlin is up to anything these days.

And we need some evil sidekicks--you know, comic relief?
All played by Tim Curry using Zumekis motion-capture animated technology. We have to blow this budget completely over the top for such a momentous tale as Sugar Smacks: The Motion Picture.

Posted by: Robert at November 10, 2009 3:13 PM

Froot Loops

A quintent of middle-America friendly gay men organize a benefit to save their local historic theme park from being bought and bulldozed by a developer to make way for 20-story condo buildings. Hijinks ensue.

Posted by: stardust (now with 100% less savant) at November 10, 2009 3:14 PM

Where's the thriller/mystery concerning finding a Patient Zero that goes around pissing in people's Cheerios?

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at November 10, 2009 4:00 PM

Rice Krispies: Incredibly violent mafia story, circa 1978, revolving around the exploits of hitmen Snap and Crackle. Snap takes sadistic pleasure in breaking limbs, while arson is Crackle's modus operandi. The only person they answer to is the mysterious Pop.

Directed by Martin Scorsese. Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Foster & James Gandolfini.

Posted by: Skitz at November 10, 2009 4:29 PM

Dude, with those eyes Ben Foster HAS to be the arson guy "Crackle". Could LDC pull off a violent hitman that like to snap limbs? I don't know, but me likes what you're workin' wit' here.

Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at November 10, 2009 4:38 PM

Cap n' Crunch already has great source material to draw from: http://pbfcomics.com/?cid=PBF224-Commander_Crisp.jpg

Posted by: Kevin Longrie at November 10, 2009 4:45 PM

is no one going to mention corn pops? why isn't anyone mentioning corn pops? i need a corn pops-related something greenlit now. (see what i did there? green? lit? oh fuck you)

...i gotta have my pops.
god damnit.

Posted by: gp at November 10, 2009 4:48 PM

All of you with your fancy name cereals, with their marketing, and toys and colorful boxes with trademarked characters disgust me. I'm backing a tender documentary about a group that gets no respect, yet offers more value per ounce than any of those elitists on the upper shelves. Next year at Sundance it's "The Bag on the Bottom Shelf" starring Terry the Tiger, the Sugar Snap Toad, and Snack, Creak and Plop. You'll cheer for the underdog, until you realize it's got this weird aftertaste.

Posted by: mrcreosote at November 10, 2009 5:13 PM

I guess now would be a bad time to mention Brendan Douglas-Jones' Breakfast Of The Gods...saturday morning cereal commercials meet DC's Crisis on Infinite Earths...

http://www.webcomicsnation.com/poyorick/botg/series.php?view=archive&chapter=10960

Posted by: DeaconG at November 10, 2009 5:50 PM

The comments so far are so awesome, I can only offer this link: PvP does Chocula.

"Say it..."
"Chocula."

Posted by: snorklewacker at November 10, 2009 7:02 PM

Not a single cereal killer plot. You people disappoint me.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy), at November 10, 2009 11:53 PM

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.

The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre laughed and replied:

"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy), at November 10, 2009 11:56 PM

Pop Tarts: The Movie

The story of the rise and fall of a girl supergroup. From privileged beginnings 3 sparkly bimbettes are discovered, by which I mean their pampered heiress stepmommies hire the flavor-of-the-month big producer to overdub their shrill voices and jump cut their spastic dancing into the number 1 viral video on YouTube. But the fame they've so desperately whored for begins to eat away at their "friendship" and they fall headfirst into the world of all-night coke-fueled star orgies, promotional bookings, and hoochie flashing. They break up. Eight years later,we see each of them working crummy 9-to-5s (they've hit rock bottom). They are convinced re-unite on the Japanese reality show "Celebrity Happy Time Fun Hour" where their comeback single "Cereal TV" becomes a sensation. They are back on top, and are flying back for their triumphant return to America when their plane crashes into the Pacific. Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson, staring Miley Cyrus with a special appearance by Lindsey Lohan as Miley's stepmom (she's haggard enough pull it off with ease and wins a best supporting actress Oscar)

Could also work as a porno.

Posted by: ed newman at November 11, 2009 7:06 AM

how about fruit brute the movie.its generaly about a hiv possitive undercover cop in san francisco.with asperations of starting his own theater group.

Posted by: buncle at November 17, 2009 11:56 PM





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