True story: I was standing over a bowl of Honey Comb this morning, trying to come up with an idea for a Seriously Random List, and thinking to myself, ‘We’ve done over 200 of these SRLs. Before long, we’ll be writing up lists on our favorite cereals.” And then today’s idea came to me:
The Five Breakfast Cereals Most Ripe for a Big Screen Adaptation
5. Kashi Puffs: A movie about a group of smelly, self-righteous hippies whose houses smell like a Trader Joe’s who brainwash the United States into believing that tasteless, all-natural cereals will provide eternal youth. Kashi then corners the market on natural food products and manipulates their advantage by turning America into a hideous socialist state where gays can marry freely and everyone has free health care. But at what cost? BUT AT WHAT COST? Produced, directed, and starring the smelly unshaven members of a Seattle food co-op.
Tagline: GOLEAN or Grow Old.
4. Coco Pops: A fictional docu-drama about a group of African-American children who enroll in a predominantly white public school. Several days after class begins, the complexion of the white kids mysteriously grows darker. Although the males have a more difficult time catching a cab, they also discover that their luck with the ladies improves dramatically. Complications ensue, however, when the racist townspeople get involved. Spike Lee to direct.
Tag line: “Coco Pops make milk go choc!”
3. Wheaties: The Movie: (From an edition of our own, Two Truths and a Lie): General Mills, in conjunction with Paramount Pictures, will develop a sports movies inspired by its Wheaties breakfast cereal. Gregory Allen Howard (Remember the Titans) will write a script that will focus on a superstar athlete as he aims to get his face on the cover of a Wheaties box. Peyton Manning, Kevin Garnett, and Albert Pujols will provide cameos.
Tagline: The Breakfast of Champions. And not Donovan McNabb.
2. Cap’n Crunch: A movie about thousands of tiny crunch aliens that sneak through your lips while you’re asleep, shred the roof of your mouth, dig their way into your skull, and feed on your brain. A misfit group of rebels called The Soggies (led by Bruce Willis) are the only people standing between the alien leader, Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch, and complete world domination. Directed by Gore Verbinski ( Pirates of the Caribbean).
1. Life: A bland melodrama that looks good for a few minutes, but then turns into a big pile of overly sweet grey mush that the audience has a hard time swallowing without gagging. Starring Cameron Diaz, and directed by Nora Ephron.
Tagline: Life’s a bitch. Then you die.