Look: This is not about favorites. ALL of the Pajiban commenters are our favorites, except Some Guy because, come on. That guy is a total douche. But speaking from a purely objective standpoint, there is no better commenter on the Internet than Skittimus Maximus, aka Skitz, aka Cousin to that Dipshit Conrad, aka The World’s Foremost Hater of Gummo. Reading a comment from Skitz is like someone cracking open your skull and injecting your brain with endorphins and pee. It’s slightly disorienting, slightly erotic, and when it those comments aren’t outright hilarious, they’re often littered with little nuggets of profundity. He will make your brain hard, and the Internet is better for his existence.
Here are the best Skitz comments of 2011.
I don’t know what the fuck that clip was all about, but by the time it was over, I had punched my monitor and emptied my entire stapler into my face.
Whenever I see this photo, I keep thinking she’s gonna bite off that little dangly doodad and the end of the nose. Then I vomit. And laugh. And vomit.
(On films with the greatest rewatchability factor): Anything Harmony Korrine has been involved with. Anything.
Rumor has it there’s an episode of “According To Jim” he wrote that had Belushi do nothing but eat handfuls of hair-covered rice for twenty minutes.
HOLY SHITBALLS OF BOLD ITALIC FIRE!
I used to make a mishmashed Snuggie abortion out of an old robe and a threadbare blanket to pretend I was one of those wingy bat people that wrapped their wingy arms around unsuspecting folks and gargled them up with digestive juices and then opened their arms and let all the bones come jangling down over the stumpy feet leftovers!
I USED TO DO TH… waitasec - I USED TO DO THAT, BUT FORGOT ABOUT IT!
I’d do it by myself too. Just me and my lame-ass bathrobe. Swooping up behind my sister’s Cabbage Patch Kids and gargling them up with my digestive juices*
This opens the door as to why I drank the pain away throughout most of my adult life.
Beast Master Bat-People…
Damn.
(*usually gum-spit)
(On Ashton Kutcher): Perfect example of the following:
Good Looking + Right Place + Right Time = Smooth Fucking Sailing.
Don’t hate the cat, but the above equation is about all it boils down to. He can’t act for shit, but he’s carved himself a nice little niche with forgettable movies and decent-sized paychecks. And who the hell am I to expect him to be anything other than a semi-likable doofus who churns out mediocrity that somehow manages to keep him in a comfortable lifestyle in the “not-so-talented” spolight. He’s not trying to come across as anything other than who he is.
He’s like a diptarded kinda-friend who happened to hit it sorta big without really trying.
Fuck, I’d take that in a heartbeat.
(More on Ashton Kutcher) I don’t get the hate. Has he let you down somehow? Did he torment you in high school or something? Did you walk into an Ashton Kutcher film with high expectations? Were you hoping to kidnap and/or start a relationship with Demi Moore? Did Dude, Where’s My Car? or and episode of Punk’d make you question your existence? Do you actually sit through interviews with him, praying for something poignant? Why the fuck do any of you even have an opinion of him? It’s kind of creepy that you do. It’s like you secretly like him. But it’s cool to hate him. So that’s what you do. From your cubicles. Reading TMZ. And hating. Hate.
(Skit’z Cousin Conrad, on Ashton Kutcher): I think he’s hilarious as s**t when he does comedies. My wife and I know that his movies aren’t going to win any Oscars, but so what? They’re good for a couple belly-laughs, and that’s really all that can be expected of the kid. Plus, wasn’t he a 19 year-old model or something from Iowa when he was “discovered?” Geez, what the heck do you expect from a teen model from Iowa? Good for him.
(On this image) What the fucking fuck? For a split second, I thought it was Danzig and got a “music-column’s-back” boner. Then I read the fucking header… Currently, I’m dousing myself in gasoline. I’ll try to post my burn-unit room number sometime later this evening, provided my fingers haven’t been reduced to charred stumps. Thanks, Tom Cruise. Thanks for taking something I thought was cool and making it all fucking awkward and middle-agey.
(On the Brave poster) I haven’t the foggiest fucking idea what “Brave” is, but I do know this: that poster marks the first time Pixar’s given me a boner. A for reals, big-boy boner. I don’t know how my eleven-thirty “bathroom” break’s gonna go based solely on a poster, but I’ll be damned if I’m not going to fight through the chaffing and finish strong…
(On this)“It’s only a matter of time before someone tries to have sex with it.”
Too late.
…
It’s like banging a toaster but more rubberyer.
“I made Jesus-shaped pancakes, but I burnt them. Am I going to hell?” That’s actually a pamphlet at my church. And yes. Yes you do go to hell. Not regular hell, though - it’s a really, really syrupy one.
I’ve taken to gobbling genitalia at bus depots to pay for my stupid cigarettes, but I by no means kiss on the mouth. Not ever. I might fall in love, that’s why. … I’ll let you pee on me for a week if you buy me a carton.
Michael Cera looks like one of those freaky Asian sexbots. And I should know, having spent the better part of the early afternoon online looking up freaky Asian sexbots.
Bear Grylls - “Look at him: He can eat live snakes, he can sleep naked on a snow peak, he has an accent, and he can rip apart wild animals with his own hands.”
You forgot one thing on that list. He drinks pee. That motherfucker knows how to chug piss. And at the end of the day, that, while maybe not crushworthy, is something I think we can all look upon with a quiet awe. … I’m not a pee-drinker myself, but still. Awe.
(On Alison Brie) I haven’t the foggiest idea who this chick is. She could be taking a crap on my front lawn and I’d say something along the lines of “Hey, there’s a relatively foxy gal taking a dump on my lawn.” That would be followed with a “Waitasec - I don’t have a lawn. I lost the lawn in the divorce.” That, in turn, would be followed by a fuckton of confusion regarding A. Who’s house I was in; and B. Who I was talking to. … Then I’d look down slowly at my blood-covered hands and realized I’d killed again.
Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance
I started laughing before reading this. Skittums' crazy brilliance is everlasting.
Posted by: Julie at December 28, 2011 2:24 PM
Much respect.
Posted by: Gavin S. at December 28, 2011 2:29 PM
oh this is great. also the ad at the bottom about the guy who ended his slavery to the electric monopoly? Totally Skitz.
Posted by: Mrcreosote at December 28, 2011 2:34 PM
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeheeee
Posted by: gp at December 28, 2011 2:48 PM
Of course Skittiums is the favorite! He absolutely deserves it.
Can this be an annual event? An Ode to Skitz.
Posted by: tamatha at December 28, 2011 2:52 PM
Skitz is ALWAYS THE BEST and I like looking at his handsome face. WIN-WIN-WIN. The third win is for his wise saying: "True Love Means Peeing In Her Bug". HEE!
Posted by: DeistBrawler at December 28, 2011 2:59 PM
I love that deranged brilliance. Love. It. And I don't think this list is his best work, either. The candy thread - remember that one? THAT was genius and still the one to beat.
Posted by: ChickaBoom! at December 28, 2011 2:59 PM
It was really only a matter of time before Skitz won the internet.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at December 28, 2011 3:06 PM
I realize that it's a 2011 list. I just loved the hell outta that candy thread.
Posted by: ChickaBoom! at December 28, 2011 3:06 PM
Emerging from lurk mode just to say: hail to the Skitz.
Posted by: Neon at December 28, 2011 3:18 PM
Skitz is the all-time greatest. His oeuvre in 2011 has been much sparser than in previous years, but these ten do not disappoint.
Posted by: MM at December 28, 2011 3:19 PM
All hail our interwebz overlord.
Posted by: Green Lantern at December 28, 2011 3:22 PM
I just got back from vacation and back to a real internet connection, and I find this. Yeah! Just what I needed for a laugh. Contratulations, Skitz!
Posted by: BWeaves at December 28, 2011 3:30 PM
TO BILL BRASKY!!!!
Oh sorry, wrong funeral.
(shuts door)
Posted by: scorzi at December 28, 2011 3:33 PM
I love Skitz, I love his comments and I love his facebook/real life stalking-I cant sleep unless I know hes masturbating furiously in the tree outside my bedroom window.
Posted by: Nieve 'The Threadkiller Queen' at December 28, 2011 3:51 PM
That's not Skitz, Nieve...he's in the other tree.
Posted by: DeistBrawler at December 28, 2011 3:59 PM
SO strange! I swear that last night I was thinking of asking you to do this. I have saved this comment of his for years, because it is perfect:
I liked this movie (garden state). Will never own it, but I'll watch it on the television. I think Zach Braff is spooky looking. Like he's half melted or something. Was he in a fire? He looks squishy. Like he makes sloshing sounds when he talks. He looks like there might be a faint odor of SeaWorld about him. I saw a website where there was a bunch of people that looked like him. Boy, that was strange. I think it's funny how there are so many people that look like other people. I met my twin in the eighth grade. But then we moved and I never had a chance to confront him. Until today. I'm sitting in a rental car in an alley across the street from where he lives. He'll be home in less than three hours. I'm the only me. He shouldn't be here. And soon he'll be gone.
I hope he fits in the trunk.
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 15, 2008 12:12 PM
Posted by: VK at December 28, 2011 4:18 PM
I want to have demented little Skitz babies with him. That's all I got to say about that.
Posted by: dammitjanet at December 28, 2011 4:22 PM
In the trees? Did anyone even try to learn lockpicking before heading up the tree?
Posted by: Jim Doggie at December 28, 2011 4:23 PM
Posted by: VK at December 28, 2011 4:18 PM
The best thing about Skitz comments is that they often start in one place and then end up in a completely unexpected, even funnier place. Like a movie with a twist ending.
(NOT an M.Night Shymalan twist ending. A good twist ending.)
Posted by: MM at December 28, 2011 4:25 PM
Surround sound Phwapping. Like listening to bird song as I drift off to sleep.
Posted by: Nieve 'The Threadkiller Queen' at December 28, 2011 4:26 PM
I wonder what the world looks like to somebody that creative. Kudos man.
Posted by: Socraz6 at December 28, 2011 5:02 PM
I would have Skitz's gay babies. Truth.
Posted by: Smokin at December 28, 2011 5:53 PM
I am Skitz's gay baby.
Posted by: logar at December 28, 2011 6:13 PM
Are you somehow a baby produced from gay-love, or are you in fact a baby that is gay?
===
Congratulations, Skitz!
Posted by: superasente at December 28, 2011 6:53 PM
My ova ogle Skitz's oeuvre.
Posted by: mswas at December 28, 2011 7:10 PM
I agree he is brilliant. It makes him super difficult to track and capture though.
Posted by: replica at December 28, 2011 7:23 PM
Plus, he's a seriously nice guy.
Asshole.
Posted by: Cindy at December 28, 2011 8:44 PM
This totally justifies the fact that since Skitz rarely comments anymore, I automatically include him in EE for the week when he deigns to do so. It's kind of like getting to touch the edge of a holyman's robe. Mostly I'm grateful if he's wearing clothing at all. Doubly so, if they're not bloodsoaked. I'm counting the whole thing as a win is what I'm saying.
Posted by: Mrs. Julien at December 28, 2011 10:57 PM
Awwww, you guys - I'm all blushy and squarshy on my insides. Sadly, this could just as easily be named "Everything of 2011", as opposed to the "Best of... " Jeezum Cripes, I've slacked around here lately. Make no mistake, I still read the site everyday, I've just not made much of an effort to comment all that much over the past two years. Although to be fair, I have plenty of things to blame: alcoholism, divorce, more alcoholism, family crisis, baldness, the media, Asians, and Zuckerberg's Timesuck Juggernaut. Seriously - that rascally prick has me by the shorthairs.
Regardless, the regulars on this site continue to be, far and away, the most well-readedest, snarkiest, and overall funniest motherfuckers outside of the crazy crew over on www.focusonthefamily.com. Those cocksuckers know how to Tear. Shit. Up.
And while this is nice and all, I could just as easily take hundreds, if not thousands of the comments you people have posted on here and put them together in a handsome, leather-bound collection worthy of the top-shelf of my library. A leather-bound tome I'd read and reflect on after peeing in the bugs of the finest hookers a decent credit score could muster. A book I'd pass on to the bastard children I'd fathered via income-generating sperm dumps during my college years; income I'd used to turn my liver into a hardened lump which I've since hollowed out and added a hinged lid to. It's where I keep the key to my heart, a key that each and every one of you has… uh… where all of you… um…
…
I fucking lost where I was going with that.
Shit.
Posted by: Skitz at December 29, 2011 1:18 AM
*bows in supplication, whatever that means*
Posted by: , at December 29, 2011 2:37 AM
Skitz made the Internet pregnant. It's true
Posted by: Odnon at December 29, 2011 3:15 AM
So if Dustin is our Pope is Skitz our greatest Prophet? Godtopusbepraised.
Posted by: Nadine at December 29, 2011 5:51 AM
Where IS Wendel?
Posted by: frank_247 at December 29, 2011 6:30 AM
oh man, I'm trying half-assedly to look like I'm working over here, and you go and post this. The last one is gold.
Posted by: PrincessPiglet at December 29, 2011 9:26 AM
kindle and iPad: Most people compare the kindle to the Touch, but after seeing how slim and surprisingly small and light it is, I consider it to be a rather unique hybrid that combines qualities of both the Touch and the Nano. It's very colorful and lovely OLED screen is slightly smaller than the touch screen, but the player itself feels quite a bit smaller and lighter. It weighs about 2/3 as much, and is noticeably smaller in width and height, while being just a hair thicker.
Posted by: Matthew C. Kriner at December 31, 2011 9:19 AM
I started laughing before reading this. Skittums' crazy brilliance is everlasting.