The 13 Crappiest Movies of Mickey Rourke's Career

By Agent Bedhead | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (32)

In the 1980s, Mickey Rourke could virtually do no wrong. After that decade ended, however, it’s been a hit or miss (and mostly a miss) affair. For every Buffalo 66, The Pledge, and The Rainmaker, there were several other clunkers and/or straight-to-DVD affairs. In very recent years, he’s had something of a career resurrection with 2008’s The Wrestler and a coveted role in 2010’s Iron Man. Unfortunately, Mickey’s wasting no time in squandering that goodwill, starting with last weekend’s offering. Let’s not waste any more time and just hop right into this list of Crappiest Mickey Rourke movies ever:

Immortals: We might as well kick things off with an entry from last weekend’s new releases. Yes, I saw it for Henry Cavill, but all the six-packs in the world couldn’t make it interesting to watch.

13: A wonderful example of when a low-budget original outshines an overwrought remake.

Wild Orchid: A hot mess and a movie about sex that somehow managed to be decidedly unsexy.

Passion Play: Rourke apparently thought it was a good call to play a sax player in love with an winged creature played by Megan Fox. Even worse, Bill Murray fell for it too.

Domino: With such trendy editing strategies as berzerker editing, acid flashbacks, and a camera attached to an apparent bobblehead, this shit was unwatchable.

Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man: This movie tried to be the next Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. It summarily failed.

The Informers: Never before has hedonism inspired such boredom.

Killshot: Poor Elmore Leonard. Thank goodness “Justified” has picked up the adaptation slack.

Masked and Anonymous: Imagine a Bob Dylan song that never ends. You’ve now got the gist of this movie.

Desperate Hours: Towards the ending of this movie, Rourke’s character (a so-called “dangerous criminal”) runs out of bullets and uncharacteristically loses his shit. How insulting to the audience.

Stormbreaker (Alex Rider: Operation Stormbreaker): Rourke plays a billionaire humanitarian with ulterior motives in this insufferable Bond knockoff for kids.

White Sands: A story of an apparent suicide victim that left me wanting to do so myself.

And a little unexpected bonus number for you…

The Expendables: Sure, it was box-office gold, but should we encourage such misogyny masked with “a punch drunk attempt at chivalry”? Seriously, this was not nearly the spectacular cheesefest that the 1980s managed to accomplish in spades.

Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at Celebitchy.

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Comments

I don't know, AB, maybe Rouke is just Advanced.

Posted by: TylerDFC at November 16, 2011 2:19 PM

I'm still bummed about what he's done to his face. He looks like a completely different person, not his older self, like he should.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at November 16, 2011 2:22 PM

Agreed, agreed, agreed, agreed, agreed, agr-- whoa, Whoa, WHOA. Let's not be too hasty with our judgment of Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man, now.

That movie keeps me alive on the nights when I'm up late, watching USA/TNT/TBS, too drunk to sleep.

Posted by: Ghisent at November 16, 2011 2:23 PM

Unrelated: I am concerned about the zombie child standing behind Rourke in that header photo.

Posted by: Ghisent at November 16, 2011 2:25 PM

Agreed, agreed, agreed, agreed, agreed, agr-- whoa, Whoa, WHOA. Let's not be too hasty with our judgment of Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man, now.

That movie keeps me alive on the nights when I'm up late, watching USA/TNT/TBS, too drunk to sleep.

Posted by: Ghisent at November 16, 2011 2:23 PM
________________________________________________

SECONDED

Posted by: Riles at November 16, 2011 2:30 PM

What's going on with the poster for Informers? Winona Ryder's name is underneath Mickey Rourke's mug, while Mickey Rourke is apparently a hot blonde chick. Why bother putting Winona's name up there, if they won't show her face in the poster?

Posted by: True_Blue at November 16, 2011 2:37 PM

I'm concerned about all the little dog moons that seem to orbit around him all the fucking time.

Also, this:

'Imagine a Bob Dylan song that never ends.'

= compliment in my book.

Posted by: zeke the pig at November 16, 2011 2:39 PM

I see by the header photo that Mickey Rourke is quite far along in his preparations for his corpse to be found naked and bloated.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at November 16, 2011 2:42 PM

I can't believe any human being has actually seen all of these. And Harley Davidson And The Marlboro Man didn't just try to be the "next" Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid, did it? Didn't it blatantly copy it right down to the leap from a seemingly deadly height and making one of the characters a poor shot?

What's the story with that dog, by the way? Is that a scene from a movie? Is that Rourke's actual pet? I ask because he also carried around a chihuahua in Once Upon A Time In Mexico.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at November 16, 2011 2:43 PM

I love the poster for The Informers where you have Billy Bob with his name under his picture, Kim Basinger with her name under her picture...and then Mickey Rourke is apparently Winona Ryder and Amber Heard is apparently Mickey Rourke. Way to go, design guys.

Posted by: KatSings at November 16, 2011 2:45 PM

It's not like names not lining up with the right actors on a poster is a new thing. There are Steel Magnolias posters that have all six women and all six names, and none of them line up right.

Also, "Youth is forever" is the dumbest tag line ever written.

Posted by: Todd at November 16, 2011 3:26 PM

I imagined a Bob Dylan song that never ends and it was the best part of my day.

Posted by: A-schaef at November 16, 2011 3:41 PM

Even his dog looks hungover.

Posted by: BWeaves at November 16, 2011 4:04 PM

I imagined a Bob Dylan song that never ends and it was the best part of my day.

Posted by: A-schaef at November 16, 2011 3:41 PM

----

Mine's still going. I thought it was just Desolation Row but, nope, still going...

Posted by: zeke the pig at November 16, 2011 4:08 PM

There is a glaring omission on this list. I recently had the accidental misfortune of viewing Point Blank. There is a Lee Marvin film of the same name which Blockbuster was supposed to send me, but they got mixed up and I was witness to the poorest excuse for an action film in action film history. The acting could be generously characterized as cardboard cutout meets ridiculous stereotype. The plot holes are big enough to drive yo' mama through. Do yourself a favor and pick this up immediately. So bad it's good... but then swings all the way back around to bad again.

Posted by: FlightPlan at November 16, 2011 4:31 PM

Can we just come out and admit that Angel Heart and 9 1/2 Weeks were crap too?

Posted by: Craig at November 16, 2011 5:12 PM

Is he headed to the trailer to have his clown makeup applied in that header pic?

Posted by: lubeg at November 16, 2011 5:20 PM

Okay - so is it just me or has he basically played himself in every movie since The Wrestler? I saw Iron Man II, Expendables and Immortals since then and all three characters were identical (of course one had a shitty accent). I must see him do something different already. Someone get this guy a rom com STAT.

Posted by: readrick at November 16, 2011 5:45 PM

I don't even know if The Expendables should count, he was in that film for four minutes.

Posted by: Nadine at November 16, 2011 6:13 PM

I have a sad little penis, and I'm so lonely.

Someone hug me? Touch me? Please?

So sad. So tiny.

Posted by: Muffin at November 16, 2011 8:46 PM

Couldn't we just have saved space (sustainable, responsible internet farming is important) and listed Mickey Rourke's good films?

1. Rumblefish
2. Pope of Greenwich Village
Honorable Mention for the Wrestler

Done.

Posted by: PaddyDog at November 16, 2011 8:53 PM

You're all idiot douchebags.

Mickey Rourke rocks whatever movie he's in. He made Iron Man II infinitely more watchable than it would have been without him.

Posted by: Johnnyboy at November 16, 2011 9:46 PM

Harley Davidson & Marlboro Man was fun. Not genius, but fun. I agree about the others, tho.

Posted by: ChickaBoom! at November 16, 2011 11:08 PM

Total Jocelyn Wildenstein. I can't even see the work for all The Work.

Posted by: Jerry at November 17, 2011 12:47 AM

Can't help but notice there was a lot of serious talent surrounding Mickey in these crap movies. So why are these all Mickey's fault and not Bill Murray's?

Posted by: , at November 17, 2011 12:58 AM

If I were to give examples of his best films I would have included Barfly and Angel Heart.

The rest of those movies up there blow. And his face looks like a ten pound roast.

Posted by: Protoguy at November 17, 2011 1:00 AM

I guess it's OK to not LOVE the Expendables, but it is not in any way a "crappy" movie.

Posted by: HALLSY at November 17, 2011 9:58 AM

Liked Diner...

Posted by: Arkansan at November 17, 2011 11:21 AM

If you're going to mention his good films, don't forget Body Heat. Sure, he had relatively small role, but he absolutely nailed it, and even with that small exposure you could see he was a big-time talent.

Posted by: boscobarbell at November 17, 2011 12:10 PM

I am truly sorry, But I have a soft spot in my head for Harley Davidson and the ect.....it's a special movie.

Posted by: Rich at November 17, 2011 2:23 PM

I always thought Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man was a tongue in cheek buddy comedy. If you watch it that way it's great.

(and by "always thought" I mean "tried hard to believe")

Posted by: Jaxx at November 18, 2011 1:54 PM

That's not wynona in the poster's picture!

Posted by: James at November 21, 2011 7:49 PM

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The 13 Crappiest Movies of Mickey Rourke's Career

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