Pajiba

Isn't it a little (you know, just a little) weird that the Perfect Sister and the Fuck Up Stoner Brother are dating?

Sorry, no thanks. I don't wanna be surrounded by hot women I can't date for Thanksgiving. It would make it another night at work.

The only reason I force myself not to argue with my Tea-Party Granddad is that he's married to my sweet little (Tea-Party) Grandma instead of a trophy wife.

One of the common themes of family thanksgiving for me is that the wild array of disparate personalities come together to form this shockingly peaceful sort of madness, but take away just one or two relatives, and it all goes to hell within one round of Trivial Pursuit. When the extended family goes home and it's just the immediate clan all together, that's the worst. The crazy gets ratcheted up to 11 and stays there until someone gives in and takes off.

With that in mind, Aziz Ansari as the younger brother who's all ego and no real world life experience. His solution to tension is to keep telling jokes that all step over some kind of line. He will never be the first to run off screaming into a distant snow bank, because he doesn't realize he's exacerbating the situation or that everyone else is being serious with their insults.

Portia De Rossi as the controlling, bitchy, perfectionist sister, who has gotten so used to her spouse's unconditional acquiescence that she's unsure how to react to anyone challenging her authority. She's far more Martha Stewart than Lindsey Bluth, however. The way she masks all passive-aggressiveness in wholesomeness is really the icing on the horrible cake.

Woody Harrelson as the husband of another sister who spends 9/10ths of his time challenging authority for shits and giggles. He takes up half a couch for himself and only snags the chex mix when he sees someone else eyeing it, then pretends not to notice them as he slows munches on the mix for the next twenty minutes.

Aubrey Plaza, as me.

I dunno, I've never had a humongous crush on my Cool Lesbian Aunt...

Oh, what's that? Only actors? Don't care.
Hunter S Thompson as the friend of the family who arrives late, half-breaks down the door and takes me, Bill Murray and Jack Nicholson away from a family dinner and to a saloon bar to consume copious amounts of rum and hallucinogens, followed by a ride on a Vincent Black Shadow at terribly irresponsible speeds that ends badly, but life-affirmingly badly; not death badly.

Great, now I want to have sex with my sister. Thanks a lot, Pajiba, now I'm living Dexter.

So last Thanksgiving my brother broke the frame of my couch, smashed it to pieces. The tool he used was my uncle. Then he elbowed my uncle in the face and knocked two teeth out. This caused my mother to throw a beer bottle (empty) at my brother. She missed and it smashed on the wall. During all this our friends from down the hall ("If you're not doing anything special just come over, we'll have a great time!") gathered their children and locked themselves in the bathroom, refusing to come out until they were certain all combatants were out of the apartment. My brother and Uncle both went for walks to "cool off" but actually bumped into each other a block away and resumed fighting. They were broken up by some doormen from nearby apartments and my brother went home. At about the same time I was in the apartment destroying my sister-in-law at the Michael Jackson Experience game on xbox. Cast this please

Well, at least they're communicating, even if it's with their fists. My sister and my mother have barely spoken with one another since last Christmas. And nobody really knows why.

Leonardo DiCaprio as Leonardo DiCaprio, because then the whole family will make fun of him for the whole meal and have a lovely Thanksgiving bonding time. "No! Really! Do the squinting thing again! I haven't seen Inception in a year!"

How you don't have Paul Rudd as the only in-law that you can stand is beyond me.

Jodie Foster already made this movie - Home For the Holidays.

Brother-in-law married to sister-in-law?

Was this in the various "gay marriage" referendums & I missed it, cause that's awesome. What's it take to declare a sibling-by-marriage - civil ceremony, pagan ritual, 3/5 vote of the rest of the family?

The Racist, Tea-Party Grandfather

Was that necessary?

no, actually it is mandatory these days.

Most of the readers of the site will probably think it's redundant.

Not ALL grandfathers are racist.

Are we aiming for realism?

Needlessly passive aggressive authority having relative who is never satisfied: Patricia Clarkson, Pieces of April mode

Fucking golden child relative at same age who gets all the praise because he chose the American dream path: Chris Evans, Captain America mode

Annoying alt cousin who might bring a shocking date to the table just to get a rise out of people: Anna Kendrick, Scott Pilgrim mode

Drunk ass older relative who doesn't give a fuck and ruins the meal before the pies even start cooling on the windowsill: Nick Nolte, Warrior Mode

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Pass the gravy, hide the top shelf booze, and pray there isn't a stabbing this year.

Can we add Tom Hiddleston as the well-educated, charming cousin we all want to have an illicit affair with?

...only to discover he's riddled with STDs?

...and already tainted with incest. Those crazy Asgardians! When will they learn?!

Don't know about you, but if I had the chance to ride the hammer of Thor, I totally would.

I'd throw down to hang out with the crazy uncle... Tallahassee from Zombieland (Woody Harrelson) with his banjo and bad-ass-yet-sensitive attitude

Aaaaand now I'm thinking about crazy uncle and drunk uncle fencing with turkey legs while wearing the ribcages of two turkeys as masks as they hold their respective bourbon and tequilas over their heads. You know, like the fencers do (just generally without the bourbon and tequila).

Without the bourbon and tequila? You don't actually know many fencers, do you? ;)

Apparently not!

Liquor and swords, liquor and swords,
Thanksgiving isn't finished 'till we've broken all the doors,
The dog's covered in gravy and the stuffing's on the flooooooor...
And next year's always better than the one that came before!