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Christian Bale's 9 Least Aesthetically Pleasing Characters

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (36)

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For those of y’all who keep score, before he retired to the Hall of Fame, Christian Bale — he of The Dark Knight fame — was once a fixture on the Annual Pajiba 10 List of the Most Bangable Celebrities Alive, even managing to grab the three spot the very year he got caught blowing up on the set of Terminator: Salvation. A little anger, apparently, only made the man sexier. I suppose it’s the intensity. What is confounding, however, is how much he appeals to the ladyfolks and the gaymenfolk despite the unattractive characters he plays. Let’s just say, the man does not do facial hair well.

It’s fair to say, in fact, that no lead actor is less vain than Christian Bale. Brad Pitt may grow a beard, but Christian Bale will lose 100 pounds. Oh sure, George Clooney put on a few pounds of Syriana, but Christian Bale fucking became a meth addict for The Fighter. Charlize Theron uglified herself for Monster and got herself an immediate Oscar. Christian Bale has been showing up for 25 years, putting on impressive performances, and doing God knows what to his body, and he didn’t get that Oscar until last year. He’s a fucking beast of an actor, and while he’s clearly got an acting ego, he doesn’t give a damn what he looks like.

To demonstrate, here are Christian Bale’s 9 Least Aesthetically Pleasing Characters.

Little Women

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Velvet Goldmine

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Mother, Mary of Jesus

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Reign of Fire

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Terminator: Salvation

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3:10 to Yuma

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Rescue Dawn

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The Fighter

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The Machinist

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Comments

How did you get the last one out of his attic without him noticing?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 14, 2011 12:11 AM

I don't understand how he didn't cause severe organ damage or die during his transformation for The Machinist. Method as fuck.

Posted by: Adrienne Saia at September 14, 2011 12:43 AM

I'm starting to worry about your taste in men. I fear that you would always choose a Charming Potato over a Ben Wishaw. Many would, but they would be wrong.

Laurie 4EVA!

Posted by: VK at September 14, 2011 12:47 AM

Aw, I always thought he was kinda cute in Little Women.

Posted by: Angeleno Ewok at September 14, 2011 12:55 AM

When I saw Little Women at the start of this list, I knew it was going to be legit.

MAN, nobody loves acting as much as Christian Bale. Others may enjoy it, and some may even be better at it, but nobody LOVES it more.

Posted by: Jelinas at September 14, 2011 1:09 AM

Everytime I read an interview in which an actor boasts about doing his/her own stunts (usually involving jumping off something while wearing a harness) I imagine Bale contemptuously rumpling his hair and dismissively muttering obscenities. He can rumple me obscenely anytime. Though I might get bruised if he's in stick-insect mode.

Posted by: cinekat at September 14, 2011 3:39 AM

OK, that goatee thing was pretty heinous, but otherwise I don't know what Laurie's doing on this list. I'd swap him for Patrick Bateman admiring himself in the mirror while having sex. Ick.

Also, Mother, Mary of Jesus doesn't make any logical sense. :p

Posted by: Linda at September 14, 2011 3:43 AM

I like how the serial killer character didn't even make the list. And he looked pretty poor in "Empire of the Sun", being starved and caked in mud and all.

Posted by: Josh at September 14, 2011 4:27 AM

Confession: the more emaciated he got, the more I found myself physically attracted to Bale's character in The Machinist. I'm getting flushed just thinking about it. True story.

Posted by: Rest In Peace at September 14, 2011 4:28 AM

I agree with Linda, Bale in Americam Psycho looks effin creepy! I know it's more the subject matter, and when he's not hacking up people he's perfectly presentable, but i would take about three Bales from the list over Bateman-Bale!

Posted by: Calamity at September 14, 2011 4:38 AM

3:10 to Yuma? Are you shitting me? That movie was full of delicious man-meat. Bale, Russell Crowe looking pretty damn tasty, Ben Foster crazy as fuck, WASH?????? Seriously, does NOT belong here.

Posted by: dammitjanet at September 14, 2011 6:20 AM

I've noticed that Bale does facial hair better for a character than he does in real life. See: current pictures and compare to 3:10 to Yuma. If he has a Hollyeood makeup artist to corr his facial hair, it's fine. Not his best look, but fine.

Posted by: stardust at September 14, 2011 6:39 AM

I'm not much of a fan of facial hair anyway but Bale's got nothing on Ethan Hawke. That's some creepy looking pube face.

Posted by: snapnhiss at September 14, 2011 6:47 AM

Christian Bale is absolute physical perfection in American Psycho. That's kind of the point.

Posted by: becks at September 14, 2011 7:43 AM

He never looked like that in T4...that had to be some promo shot or something, b/c he definitely looked hot and HUMAN for the entire movie.
I didn't think he was unattractive in 3:10 to Yuma either.
I'm assuming he's Jesus in the above pic (never saw the movie-PS, are you sure the title is right?) and he makes a hot Jesus.
That felt weird to say.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at September 14, 2011 8:05 AM

I agree with Whorish Mouth. He makes a hot Jesus. It's even weirder for me to say because I went to an all-girl Catholic school my entire life. I can't even tell you the trauma that was The Passion of the Christ for me.

I love Christian Bale because to me he is never Christian Bale as _________ . You are right. He loves to act and he immerses himself in the character. I have to add that he was insanely attractive in Equilibrium. Or maybe it was the fight scenes. I do love me an obviously choreographed fight scene.

And now I must go be wracked with guilt. Thanks A LOT.

Posted by: Az at September 14, 2011 8:40 AM

I

Posted by: KatSings at September 14, 2011 9:02 AM

Catholic girls are funny.

Posted by: logan at September 14, 2011 9:02 AM

All the way
That's the way they go

Posted by: Pete at September 14, 2011 9:18 AM

Where does the Terminator pic come from? Is it a photoshop or did they at one point do terminator makeup tests on Bale? I know the script started out different before Bale made them change it so he was the main character.

Posted by: adsff at September 14, 2011 9:19 AM

As a rule I dislike facial hair on men, but I have to side with dammitjanet here: Bale is hot in 3:10 to Yuma

Posted by: PaddyDog at September 14, 2011 9:55 AM

I LOVE Reign of Fire! Hot guys living with a bunch of kids in a castle...then Matthew McC shows up with the crazy! When Bale and Gerard Butler act out Star Wars for the kids, that's cinematic magic!

Posted by: BitterKitten at September 14, 2011 10:13 AM

Whoa, whoa, whoa. He is ADORABLE as Laurie, facial hair and all.

And where on Earth did you find that Terminator: Salvation photo? He never looked like that in the movie. As Whorish Mouth said, he remained human and hot.

I worry that Fassssssbender has ruined you for other men.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 14, 2011 10:16 AM

Or, I would worry, if Joanna had written this. It's been a long morning.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 14, 2011 10:17 AM

That picture from The Machinist seriously gives me nightmares. I knew it would be the top, too, but I still looked. Why did I still look? *shudders*

Posted by: elleyezee at September 14, 2011 10:30 AM

Or, I would worry, if Joanna had written this. It's been a long morning.

The funny thing about that?

http://www.pajiba.com/seriously_random_lists/christian-bale-a-heartbreaking-work-of-staggering-gross.php

Posted by: branded at September 14, 2011 12:33 PM

I made a comment evidencing my belief he is a complete [expletive deleted] then too:

I have it on good authority that the Machinist photo is actually of his soul.

My bile is consistent and has a bilious consistency.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 14, 2011 12:49 PM

every time i see a Bale photo from THE MACHINIST i want to eat a huge hamburger

i always thought he was cute in LITTLE WOMEN and specially in VELVET GOLDMINE(in his straight secretly gay character)

Posted by: carrie at September 14, 2011 1:44 PM

I agree with many of you - he was HOT in 3:10 to Yuma. Look at that picture again, Dustin, and tell me what is wrong with it? Reign of Fire, too, for that matter. I would, personally, just do a top five for this list and leave it at that:

5. Terminator: Salvation
4. Velvet Goldmine
3. Rescue Dawn
2. The Fighter
1. The Machinist

Can you now do a pictorial on his MOST aesthetically pleasing characters, as I could do with some more eye candy today? While you've got me distracted, you might as well distract me some more.

Bitter Kitten - amen

Posted by: prairiegirl at September 14, 2011 2:06 PM

Yeah, Christian Bale with beard can be pretty hot. I find his Reign of Fire and 3:10 to Yuma looks waaaayyyy hotter than most of his "handsomer" looks. I guess I just like 'em dirty and scruffy.

Posted by: MM at September 14, 2011 2:16 PM

Bale was ROCKING hot in Reign of Fire, and despite his penchant for blood facials, the first 10-15 minutes of American Psycho are pure Bale-candy.

Posted by: Meggrs at September 14, 2011 2:37 PM

Yep, would still bone all but the last three, mostly because I would fear for his physical safety during the act.

Posted by: MG at September 14, 2011 4:51 PM

Get those eyes checked Rowles. Bale was hot as in Little Women. And Reign of Fire. And 3:10 to Yuma. However, I may be a tad biased as I love me some men with facial hair.

Posted by: Four Eyes at September 14, 2011 9:04 PM

Maybe it's just because I get a bigger boner for him than for anyone else in Hollywood, but I think it's blasphemous that the Little Women, Reign of Fire, and 3:10 to Yuma looks are included (I guess because he's bearded? But from my view he's delicious bearded as well.)

Posted by: Amanda6 at September 15, 2011 1:14 PM

Hey, I never noticed this before, but in The Fighter he kind of looks like Dennis from It's Always Sunny!

Posted by: Bert at September 15, 2011 2:23 PM

Screw you, man, Christian Bale as Laurie solidified my love for him. I made a website back in 1996 that Little Women pushed me into. I must've watched the scene where Laurie and Jo kiss...and there's this little trail of spit...okay I'll stop talking now lest I seem creepy. Hell, I think it might still be up somewhere, hold on...ERGH, apparently Geocities closed down. Anyway, LITTLE WOMEN. Behold, by clicking on my name and fast forwarding a bit.

Posted by: jamiepants at September 16, 2011 12:03 AM