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8 Instances That Prove That Even The Kings Of Television Make Sh*tty Film Choices

By Joanna Robinson | Seriously Random Lists | March 6, 2013 | Comments ()


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Bryan Cranston -- Larry Crowne: Currently the undisputed king of television (yeah, you heard me, Damian Lewis), Cranston has racked up an impressive 11 film credits over the past two years. Ranging from excellent (Drive) to the merely okay (The Lincoln Lawyer) to seriously WTF (John Carter), Cranston's performances have never quite touched the intense magic he brings to "Breaking Bad." For me the worst (yes even worse than Rock Of Ages), was his role as the porn and self-obsessed husband to Julia Roberts shrewish community college professor in Larry Crowne. Cranston got out-foxed and out-maneuvered by a somewhat mentally enfeebled Tom Hanks? Oh I don't think so.
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Kyle Chandler -- The Day The Earth Stood Still: I rejoiced so very loudly when I heard Kyle Chandler would be returning to television in Ridley Scott's "Vatican." First and foremost because I missed my weekly dose of Coach Taylor's emotive hair. But also because what he's done in films has been nothing short of disappointing. I'm tired of watching him play the bureaucratic *sshole in a handful of scenes. He's better than that. He's better than Super 8. And he's certainly better than this boring alien invasion flick. Come back to us, Coach. Benedictus forever.
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Alec Baldwin -- Rock Of Ages: Speaking of Rock Of Ages, I honestly don't know what kind of blackmail material the producers of this rotten piece of garbage had on this cast. Sure, Julianne Hough makes sense but Catherine Zeta Jones? Bryan Cranston? Alec Baldwin at the height of his Jack Donaghy-ness?! Oh hell no. I know Baldwin was a movie star first, but his popularity was very much on the wane before he joined Tina Fey at NBC. Let's hope the projects he picks in his post-"30 Rock" career are worthier.
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Jon Hamm -- Sucker Punch: Jon Hamm has made some excellent film choices in the wake of his "Mad Men" fame. He's proven himself as a deft comedian (Bridesmaids) and was a fairly strong if blandish presence in The Town. (No one ever really shines in an Affleck joint, do they?) But his participation in Zack Snyder's damp-handed attempt at feminist-pop-action aka "Rape-a-palooza"? That stings. Hamm played the dual roll of the High Roller and a lobotomist but most of his High Roller scenes were cut from the theatrical release. Uh, what's worse? Being in a Zack Snyder movie or being cut out of a Zack Snyder movie?
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Timothy Olyphant -- I Am Number Four I think the strongest film choice Olyphant has made in the glow of his "Deadwood"/"Justified" fame is The Crazies. That is such a solid, underrated little gem of a film and he was just smashing in it. Tim, of course, had a film career before television and has proven that his on-screen charism isn't limited to the small screen. (Are you a virgin, Claire?) But I gotta say, this one where he has to act opposite that smear of an actor Alex Pettyfer? This is well beneath the dignity of both Sheriff Seth and Deputy Marshal Raylan. Look at his face. Tim knows it.
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James Gandolfini -- "The Mexican": This flick came out in 2001, right in the midst of Gandolfini's run as Tony Soprano. In it, he plays third string behind Julia Roberts' rack and Brad Pitt's frosted tips. it's a terrible, horrible caper flick that never finds its legs. Which is a pity, because Gandolfini does action comedy very well. Get Shorty has pretty much my favorite Gandolfini performance ever.
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Michael Chiklis -- The Fantastic Four: Oh, my darling Commish, why? Why? Chiklis won universal acclaim for protraying Vic Mackey on The Shield and decided to channel that acclaim into this, the second worst comic book film franchise. (Green Lantern, I'm looking at you.) Not only that, but he had to do it while wearing a crusty baguette loaf of a costume. Terrible.
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Ian McShane -- Hot Rod: I mean, this picture speaks a thousand words, and all of them are c*cksucker.
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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Salad_Is_Murder

    I thought Sucker Punch was pretty good, but then again, you are pretty stupid.

  • Casey Affleck shines in an Affleck joint. COUGH*Gone Baby Gone*COUGH

  • ,

    True. He's pretty damn good in that.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Timothy Olyphant was frequently bare chested in A Perfect Getaway. Bonus: Thor was also in it and also scantily clad. I enjoyed the movie very much.

  • dizzylucy

    This makes me really appreciate when all the stars align and a great actor has the chance to craft a wonderfully written character over several years on the good TV series.
    And don't knock Olyphant, he's got guinea pigs to feed.

  • Ben

    2nd worse after Green Lantern is a bit harsh in a world where two ghost rider films exist.

  • Steph

    I find it really weird that Bryan Cranston only plays minor supporting characters in films when he's obviously great. Hope he gets some better roles once Breaking Bad finishes.

  • melissa82

    The screen cap I want from "Go" is hot Timmy with his lowwww riding sweatpants. Oh man.

  • Patty O'Green

    Someday, somehow, I will forgive you for hating The Mexican.

  • Artemis

    I kind of like The Mexican, but even if I hadn't I don't think I'd agree that was a mistake for James Gandolfini. He 100% stole that movie from Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts (both at or near the height of their fame), and if nothing else worked in that movie, his character did. I still chock that up as a win for him.

  • csb

    God, The Mexican was terrible.

  • Atoz15

    List likely soon to include Tina Fey and 'Admission', sadly.

  • Badger

    Whoa Whoa Whoa... Hot Rod is GREAT

  • Matt C.

    Hold on...you're surprised that Bryan Cranston got beat by Tom fuckin' Hanks? I understand that Breaking Bad is good, but he's Tom fuckin' Hanks!

  • UGH. Hamm was also in that absolute piece of shit Friends With Kids. But that may just be because his stupid girlfriend asked him to.

    Yeah, I don't like his girlfriend. And no, not just because she's his girlfriend, because come on*, but because she makes terrible movies. I hated Kissing Jessica Stein and I hated this other one. And she has a terrible whiny voice.

    *That being said: Come to me, Hammerpants.

  • Arran

    I have no personal judgment calls about Jennifer Westfeldt, but Friends With Kids was absolutely a smug, dull, immensely irritating film. And I LOVE nearly everyone that was in it. What a waste. Only Woody Allen should be allowed to make Woody Allen films. (Maybe just not as often as he currently does.)

  • PaddyDog

    The really sad thing here is the poor roles that McShane has been offered since Deadwood. He's a magnificent actor who, because of his looks, will forever be offered the role that most closely resembles Richard III. He's the one actor who I don't blame for participating any of the Pirates of the Caribbean clusterfucks because dammit, he deserves a big pay day more than the rest of them put together.

  • e jerry powell

    Ummm, I am a c*cksucker and proud of it, thank you very much.

  • Lindsey Gregory

    These are called 'paycheck jobs.' Even actors gotta eat...I guess.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    To be fair: Chiklis was the best thing (ha!) in the F4 franchise.

  • NateMan

    Disagree, though it pains me. Chris Evans was more entertaining than that film deserved.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Of course. The empty pretty boy earns more respect than the one in the bad costume.

  • I don't think it's a coincidence that Julia Roberts is in more than one of those movies.

  • ,

    The mouth that swallowed careers.

  • Tinkerville

    See also: Lee Pace in Marmaduke. Why would you want to hurt me, Piemaker?

  • zyzzyva

    And The Resident.

    Though I must say, while mostly awful, "Possession" is worth checking out the DVD for the original ending (which stays true to the Korean film it's based on).

  • ruby

    And (though I hate mentioning it) Twilight too.

  • NoPantsMcLane

    Hey! Hot Rod is goddamn cool beans!

  • Inter Milan Kundera

    "I found some firecrackers in the bathroom. Would you guys like to set them off?"

  • I BEEN DRINKING GREEN TEA ALL GODDAMN DAY!

  • I said you look shitty - Goodnight Denise!

  • Pinky McLadybits

    Uh, hello. I'm Pinky and I like to party.

  • Arran

    WHat do you mean? Saying WHat WHeird?

  • Salieri2

    What's John Noble up to these days, anyone know?

  • Fabius_Maximus
  • Jerce

    Waaaaaaaaaah...

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