8 Instances That Prove That Even The Kings Of Television Make Sh*tty Film Choices
Bryan Cranston — Larry Crowne: Currently the undisputed king of television (yeah, you heard me, Damian Lewis), Cranston has racked up an impressive 11 film credits over the past two years. Ranging from excellent (Drive) to the merely okay (The Lincoln Lawyer) to seriously WTF (John Carter), Cranston’s performances have never quite touched the intense magic he brings to “Breaking Bad.” For me the worst (yes even worse than Rock Of Ages), was his role as the porn and self-obsessed husband to Julia Roberts shrewish community college professor in Larry Crowne. Cranston got out-foxed and out-maneuvered by a somewhat mentally enfeebled Tom Hanks? Oh I don’t think so.
Kyle Chandler — The Day The Earth Stood Still: I rejoiced so very loudly when I heard Kyle Chandler would be returning to television in Ridley Scott’s “Vatican.” First and foremost because I missed my weekly dose of Coach Taylor’s emotive hair. But also because what he’s done in films has been nothing short of disappointing. I’m tired of watching him play the bureaucratic *sshole in a handful of scenes. He’s better than that. He’s better than Super 8. And he’s certainly better than this boring alien invasion flick. Come back to us, Coach. Benedictus forever.
Alec Baldwin — Rock Of Ages: Speaking of Rock Of Ages, I honestly don’t know what kind of blackmail material the producers of this rotten piece of garbage had on this cast. Sure, Julianne Hough makes sense but Catherine Zeta Jones? Bryan Cranston? Alec Baldwin at the height of his Jack Donaghy-ness?! Oh hell no. I know Baldwin was a movie star first, but his popularity was very much on the wane before he joined Tina Fey at NBC. Let’s hope the projects he picks in his post-“30 Rock” career are worthier.
Jon Hamm — Sucker Punch: Jon Hamm has made some excellent film choices in the wake of his “Mad Men” fame. He’s proven himself as a deft comedian (Bridesmaids) and was a fairly strong if blandish presence in The Town. (No one ever really shines in an Affleck joint, do they?) But his participation in Zack Snyder’s damp-handed attempt at feminist-pop-action aka “Rape-a-palooza”? That stings. Hamm played the dual roll of the High Roller and a lobotomist but most of his High Roller scenes were cut from the theatrical release. Uh, what’s worse? Being in a Zack Snyder movie or being cut out of a Zack Snyder movie?
Timothy Olyphant — I Am Number Four I think the strongest film choice Olyphant has made in the glow of his “Deadwood”/”Justified” fame is The Crazies. That is such a solid, underrated little gem of a film and he was just smashing in it. Tim, of course, had a film career before television and has proven that his on-screen charism isn’t limited to the small screen. (Are you a virgin, Claire?) But I gotta say, this one where he has to act opposite that smear of an actor Alex Pettyfer? This is well beneath the dignity of both Sheriff Seth and Deputy Marshal Raylan. Look at his face. Tim knows it.
James Gandolfini — “The Mexican”: This flick came out in 2001, right in the midst of Gandolfini’s run as Tony Soprano. In it, he plays third string behind Julia Roberts’ rack and Brad Pitt’s frosted tips. it’s a terrible, horrible caper flick that never finds its legs. Which is a pity, because Gandolfini does action comedy very well. Get Shorty has pretty much my favorite Gandolfini performance ever.
Michael Chiklis — The Fantastic Four: Oh, my darling Commish, why? Why? Chiklis won universal acclaim for protraying Vic Mackey on The Shield and decided to channel that acclaim into this, the second worst comic book film franchise. (Green Lantern, I’m looking at you.) Not only that, but he had to do it while wearing a crusty baguette loaf of a costume. Terrible.
Ian McShane — Hot Rod: I mean, this picture speaks a thousand words, and all of them are c*cksucker.