34 Spoileriffic Reasons Why I Loved Prometheus

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34 Spoileriffic Reasons Why I Loved Prometheus

By Joanna Robinson | Seriously Random Lists | June 11, 2012 | Comments ()

Banner_Prometheus_Nude Theron.png.jpeg

The internet is alive with harsh criticism and bitter words for Ridley Scott's "don't call it a prequel" Prometheus. And I don't know what to tell you folks. I feel like I saw a completely different film. Maybe my enjoyment of Prometheus is tantamount to those people who claim they like the Transformers franchise because it went splodey-boom. Did I manage to turn my hyper-critical brain off and ignore some plot holes? Probably. All I know is that the ladies kicked *ss, it was visually gorgeous and there was Fassbender galore. So here, internet, is some love for Prometheus. I even liked the sh*tty parts. Choke on it, haters.

The Amazing Exterior Shots

The Equally Amazing Interior Shots

The Parts That Made Me Squirm

The Parts That Made Me Shriek

The Fifth Element Ace Bandage Underwear

Charlize Doing Wet Push-Ups In The Aforementioned Underwear
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This Is A Space Geologist

This Is A Space Geologist On Drugs

Because For Once The Earth Is Shown Africa-side Up

Because Now I Know What I Want For Christmas

The Pups

The Penis/Vagina Cobras
penis vagina cobra.jpg

Because Even With A Spotty Accent, A Concertina-Playing Idris Elba Is A Good Thing

Because I Wondered If Vickers Was A Robot Too

Because, In The Future, Big Important Archeologists Look Like Hollywood Douche Bags

Bad Robot!

The Prometheus Myth


The Wicked Cool Star Map
fass globe.jpg

Because, In The Future, Biologists Think It's A Brilliant Idea To Pet New and Uknown Species (Nice Hoodie, Though)
geologist .jpg

Because The Minorities Don't Die Until The Very End

Axe-Weilding Archeologists

The Serenity Flashbacks

Scanners Flashbacks

Because, At One Point, Charlize Gets Out Of This Thing In A Hurry

David's Dye Job



Watching David's Forefinger


Because I Had Never Noticed The Resemblance
florence .jpg

Because This Is The Strongest Argument For Safe Sex...Ever

Because, In The Words Of My Friend Paul, "Killing A Douche Bag Scientist And Then Flying Off With His Lover Doesn't Make David The Villian...It Makes Him the Hero"
Shaw and David .jpg

That Final Shot

Joanna Robinson welcomes your poisonous, erode-y hatred.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Creasy

    It looked great. The set pieces and visual effects were awesome."
    And that basically, in the end, is what movies are about.
    It disgusts me how 99,9% of people just talk about story and plot when talking about MOVING IMAGES. Go read the screenplay. Most people just watch movies because they're too lazy to read a book.
    That's not what movies are for. Movies are for artists who can appreciate an audiovisual experience only movies can offer.

    PS: Just coming from a flight... Beyond words how people actually "watch" movies on an airplane. Basically raping filmmakers. But oh well.. It's just about "how I like the story", isn't it...

  • RonnieDobbs

    I really wanted to like this movie, but the fact that the only character action I could identify as reasonable was when Shaw hopped into that surgery pod to cut out her face hugger squid fetus (I would have done the exact same thing) rendered me incapable of seeing this as anything but a nice-looking space comedy. My theory is that the endlessly moronic behavior of the characters is actually a commentary on the state of humanity, and whether the Engineers were totally justified in wanting to destroy human life on Earth (in this case, I'd say they were- if I were them, I'd be totally bummed about making those space-snake-petting, helmet-removing jackasses too). If my theory is correct, it really makes SO much more sense.

  • The Kilted Yaksman

    This movie really seems to bring out the assholes. We have gone from "I didn't like it and here is why..." to "this movie is awful, and you are wrong if you think you like it." You know what? I am fine if you didn't like it, but you can fuck right off you (any of you) think that your opinion of this movie is worth a bucket of warm piss.

  • John G.
  • That was a truly excellent article that lead me down a rabbit hole for 2 hours. Thanks for linking it.

  • DBO
  • ripleyy

    If it doesn't win an Oscar for the gorgeous visuals, then I will be disappointed.

  • "The Penis/Vagina Cobras"

    I don't know whether to start a band, or a street gang in a country where English is a second language.

  • i just defriended you on facebook joanna

  • Adrien

    It has Prometh in the title.

  • colpetty

    I'm just patiently waiting for the porn parody "pokemeintheass"

  • rachel612

    Also, this: http://www.forbes.com/sites/da...

    Pretty much sums it up.

  • rachel612

    So, for me the film kinda went downhill as soon as they took their helmets off (confirming their status as dumbest scientists in history). But it *really* jumped the shark with that squeeze box and Idris Elba pretending to like Stephen Stills. Seriously?. That's the best you can do. Not, like, a guitar once played by Jimi Hendrix, or a horn once played by Miles Davis, but a bizarre instrument played by the whitest man alive in a pretty lame song... That's what a cool mean-assed dude in the late part of the 21st century is going to think is special?

    Give me a fucking break, please.

    Obviously I'm nitpicking. But there was no character development, except for David's story. And you know, for a robot who can't want, he sure seems to want to be Peter O'Toole.

    What a pile of Tosh. Pretty, but tosh.

  • The humans in the movie were dumb as a rock, but everything else was super awesome

  • Christopher Martinez

    Every human in the "Alien" universe is as dumb as a rock as you put it. Every single one. One exception...Newt from "Aliens". She was the only one with any bloody sense. But how fun would it be watching smart people "Uh, its a planet with a alien ship...there are eggs in it do you want to investigate"...."Yea...no"...."Good call, beer?"..."Beer"

  • Salieri2

    Hang about, you dead guys! Does David's fingertip have the Weyland corporate logo in his fingerprint? That is frickin' awesome.

  • Johnnyboy

    Thank you, Joanna, for having the testicles sadly lacking among your coworkers. Since watching this movie last Friday I have had these feelings I could not define until now. It turns out I actually loved this movie!!!

    Will probably watch this again ... in the theaters.

    Suck it, haters!

  • hapl0

    I wonder if the apologists would have felt the same way if the movie was not directed by Ridley, had blurry CGI and Rihanna in it because it looks like having National Geographic like wide shots and an appearance of sophistication by putting random things together is enough to repackage a turd into a chocolate truffle.

    Read the IGN article that DR linked to. Both Scott and the first writer were going for a real prequel until Scott decided to call up Lindelof and fuck everything up.

    "I hate you, I hate you, I don't even know you and I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you."

  • are you asking if people would have felt differently if it was a different film (which is what you get with a different creative team)? quite possibly; you may be on to something there.

  • hapl0

    Yes, that is exactly what I'm asking here.

  • k, i was too subtle there. obviously if you change almost everything in a movie, you are going to get a completely different film and thus people will likely feel different.

    you act as though excellent set design, slick visuals and creatures, good acting by charismatic actors and expert direction by a veteren visionary is all irrelevant to a film and unduly influence a viewers feelings. What in hell do you think a movie is.

    Was your goal to be obstinant, obtuse--are you yanking my chain? You're asking, did people ONLY like it because it had a whole pile of good elements. well, you hit it on the head.

    The movie had flaws, the story gummed up. That was one aspect of the vast number of ingredients that make up a film Get over it.

  • "I feel like I saw a completely different film." That's exactly how I've been feeling. There were over all flaws, sure, but I have no idea where all this hate is coming from.

  • curegirl0421

    Totally agree. I thought it was fantastic, and I *loved* all the unanswered speculation. I felt like that was the point...we weren't *supposed* to get any big answers.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    Thank you for the love.

    I thought it was great. No hate here.

    I am still watching it in my head movies.

  • logan

    how many Prometheus articles do we need?

  • John W

    Prometheus is to Alien what The Thing (2011) is to The Thing (1982).

  • Christopher Martinez

    Why on earth are you comparing them? (Prometheus to Alien). How many times does Ridley Scott have to say "its not a prequel" before people will realize...its not a bloody prequel. It was never intended to be a "Alien" film, its supposed to answer questions that predate the Alien...and it did to a point. Sure i wish it was actually a Alien Prequel but I will settle for this visually stunning piece of ridley scott work and hope the obvious sequel he setup will continue the story and answer more questions on what exactly they were doing there. Heres hoping.

  • not to mention Alien is a high concept horror movie and prometheus is a multi-themed quest movie. apples and oranges.

  • A. Smith

    Agreed. The only question is which is better Alien to The Thing and Prometheus to... The Thing.

  • John G.

    well said!

  • David Sorenson

    What I loved was being created "because they could." I loved that the "home planet" was a biological weapons facility. I loved that human civilization as we know it only came about because some albino bodybuilder jackass dropped a vial of boogy woogy influenza and wiped out the cleanup crew. That was brilliant.

    I loved the idea of an android head in a duffel. A fassbaggie. Sure I wish she'd have drop kicked the head through the goalposts made by the crashed alien donut, but I still liked it.

    I even loved the concept of an alien ship being controlled by a dude playing the recorder. I could've accidentally flown that ship when I was six years old! How cool is that?

    What I hated above all else, and this is a tremendously geeky hairsplitting thing to hate, was the biologist replying to the concept of panspermia with "If you want to throw away three hundred years of Darwinism..." Darwinism, which is almost an antiquated term now, is not supposed to explain how life started. The Earth being seeded by decaying Albinold Schwarzenalien wouldn't do anything to "Darwinism." Explains why that biologist went all Crocodile Hunter on the alien worm. His degree in biology was probably an honorary thing given to the best hostmonkey on Animal Planet circa 2089. I'm honestly glad that he got a hoody full of alien wing-wang and was never heard from again.

    And yes I got ranting mad over a screenwriters biology version of Star Trek style technobabble.

  • AlabasterSalamander

    "I could've accidentally flown crashed that ship when I was six years old!"

  • David Sorenson

    You underestimate my skill with the recorder.

  • fribbley

    I'm with you - I loved it, too, and for most of these reasons.

  • CM Towns

    This list made me like it more.

  • Yossarian

    This review and Dan's review provide the perfect dichotomy of what Prometheus achieved.

    It looked great. The set pieces and visual effects were awesome. You could watch this on mute (or, say, as a series of 30-odd images) and get all tingly from it. The cast was phenomenal. I would watch this collection of actors in just about anything. So even when the dialog was poor and the behavior was illogical and unmotivated it was still fun to watch these pretty people be. The creepy stuff was legitimately creepy and unnerving. There is real suspense and terror and it is paced and paid off well.

    And yet, if you have to sit down and write an actual, critical review of the film as opposed to a series of images and captions, you can't help but acknowledge the flaws and shortcomings. It was sloppy and forced and seemed to whiff on a lot of the big issue it raised. I'm glad that we got an ambitious, thought-provoking science fiction film but the execution fell short of the ambition. The actors were better than the characters. The settings were better than the plot. The questions were better than the answers. The experience was better than the substance. This is not a great movie. But it is an enjoyable one, and I quite enjoyed it. This review includes a lot of the reasons why.

  • JoannaRobinson

    Absolutely, Yoss. For that matter, watching movies from the critic's chair makes it damn hard to enjoy any movie. I'm glad Dan pulled the long straw on this one.

  • I'm just disappointed no one else got a Wall-E vibe from David. Watches old films, looks after/cleans up after humanity. Toodles round on his little set of wheels. Takes a shiny globe to the centre of a ship. Yellow detailing. Leads humanity on a new adventure.

    But in all seriousness. One of the few films recently that has been worth the entrance fee visually. Yet pretty things tend to accentuate not elevate. A gluttons amount of plot is what we got and a few tense scenes to stop the rot.

  • BobbFrapples

    Yes! I honestly enjoyed this movie, and I'll admit that David taking off with Shaw in the end made me happy.

  • A. Smith

    I thought them leaving together was awkward, I mean he killed her husband giving him a genetic goo mickey, is the reason she gave birth to a face hugger creepily watches her dreams. Other than the later I'm not completely sure she knew of the chain of events of the former perpetrated by David.

  • Christopher Martinez

    What other choice did she have? And lets be honest...he is a head in a duffel bag...i think she has the upper hand here.

  • Hater from Siloam SPrings

    Oh hells yes.

  • PDamian

    Agree completely. No, it wasn't perfect, but it was still excellent,
    even with the plot holes. The fantastic geography of the moon they were exploring and the fabulous technology deployed made up for the plot gaps as far as I'm concerned. And in any case, I appreciate the effort to bring something new and worthwhile to the screen, even when the effort fails.

  • DarthCorleone

    Hudson, Drake, Frost, Vasquez, Apone, Hicks, et al. sure wish the marines hadn't skimped on those pups in their military budget.

  • Alien and Aliens have been retroactively screwed up, technology-wise by Prometheus. The tech in those movies should theoretically have been more advanced. I sort of wish Prometheus used a few "dated" effects to match Alien. Like the ugly 1979 computer screens.

  • John G.

    You want a head in a duffle? I can get you a head in a duffle. I mean a toe would be easier, but there are ways dude...

    This is my vote for comment of the week.

  • John G.

    Oh Joanna, you're obsessive love of Fassbender is ruining your critic mind. I'm not even gay, but I'd fuck him. I get it. But C'mon. Things looking pretty does not a good movie make.

  • K

    Huh. This was a fun list to read even though I really didn't like the movie. I found that I didn't care about any of the characters (well maybe Shaw, a little.). I thought they were all hackneyed stereotypes, even my beloved Idris cowboying into the great beyond. Maybe I'm being daft here, but do we know why the being eats the pellets in the first scene and disintegrates? Or why/how David turned bad? Or why the line, "Maybe because you are a robot and I am a human being" didn't get cut, because dear LORD. The audience I was in laughed at a few serious moments throughout the movie, such as when Charlize reveals that she's Dr. No-Death's daughter. There were many unhappy grumbles leaving the theater.

  • JoannaRobinson

    Oh yes. That delivery of "FATHER" was the worst acting I've ever seen from Charlize.

  • pissant

    * - Darth Vader being Luke's father...

    I don't log-in, so I don't get no edits.

  • pissant

    It's even worse than that. Besides the fact that it was telegraphed poorly, did that add a single thing to the story? I don't think so. Darth Vader being Luke's son meant something and had serious ramifications later on in the story. Here? "Oh, that's her Dad...why do I give a shit about that?"

    Fuck it, that hack Lindelof will just write a sequel where he shoehorns back story employing the style of Godfather II flashbacks and be all, like, "See?! We were planning that all along...suckers." Am I ever glad I gave up on Lost after the first season.

  • I gave up on Lost after the first episode. I can't believe they got six seasons out of that.

  • John G.

    This is exactly right. It seems Damon Lindelof is just shoe-horning random tropes from his favorite movies into this one. That's not the same as homage. He's more like an autistic child throwing darts at movie posters and picking scenes at random from each.

  • JoannaRobinson

    Yes, true, or just make it clear she's his daughter from the beginning. Because I liked that line about kings having their reign and the drama of David being the favored son. But the "surprise" added nothing except our disdain.

  • Shazza

    The hubby and I watched this last night and he's decided that the way she called him father made him think she WAS an android too. Shades of Decker....

  • pissant

    Luke's father...

    I apologize if I dupe this reply. New comments are being strange.

  • pissant

    Do we necessarily know that what the engineer drank at the beginning is the same stuff that David put into Holloway's drink? It seems plausible that that would be the case, but we certainly don't know. Plus, if Janek is correct about it being a military installation where something went horribly wrong, I'd say it makes even more sense that the liquid is something entirely different. Plus, what the fuck happened to Fifield?

  • JoannaRobinson

    According to Scott, the engineer in the prologue was a "gardner" meaning whatever he drank decomposed his body so that his DNA seeded the water...but he also said that planet was not necessarily earth.

  • io

    I also loved the biologist's hoodie and the Serenity flashbacks! Also, Idris Elba and Fassbender's cadence (among other things). And douche bag archaeologist's abs. (But the old man make-up was grimace-inducing bad.)

  • violet

    I loved how they cast elderly Biff from Back to the Future II.

  • I've been calling the Holloway guy "Budget Tom Hardy" since Friday. I'm afraid it's sticking, at least with me and my siblings.

    Seriously, look at him.

  • My brother turned to me during the movie and said "that's not Tom Hardy, is it?" Poor guy. Still don't know what his name is. I've already recast him with Tom Hardy in my memories.

  • Which means his performance got a lot better in hindsight.

  • badkittyuno

    Yeah at one point during the movie I leaned over and asked my sister who that guy was, and her response was, "I'm not sure but he's trying really hard to be Tom Hardy"

  • I thought the same until I saw him in 'Dark Blue' on re-runs. But hey, the guy gets to sleep with Marisa Tomei in real life and now been in a Ridley Scott film. Dude's comin' up in the world...not really Hollywood superstar material yet tho.

  • lowercase_ryan

    You want a head in a duffle? I can get you a head in a duffle. I mean a toe would be easier, but there are ways dude...

  • thejumbo

    I'm finishin' my bowl of alien goo. Enjoyin my goo.

  • danknessfollows

    I agree with you! I even loved the parts that sucked.

  • LEonaRd

    I am totally with you on this. I loved Prometheus even though there were some flaws and plot holes here and there. I know a few people who saw it and said that it was really disappointing, but I disagree. It may not be perfect but it is the best science fiction film I have seen in quite some time.

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