11 Crappiest Movies of Kate Beckinsale's Career

The 11 Crappiest Movies of Kate Beckinsale’s Career

By Agent Bedhead | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (58)

Kate Beckinsale is quite the physically beautiful woman with plenty of sexual allure to spare. You have seen her seductively crawling (with a convenient front and behind view) through the trailer for Underworld Awakening, right? Yet as pretty as she might be, Beckinsale’s not much of an actress and, as such, has embraced her pseudo chance to be the next Action Jolie. Well, at least she knows her strengths, and she’s made more than enough crappy films to qualify for a list like this:

Click: Admittedly, this is an easy call. How could Beckinsale’s token Adam Sandler film not make the list?

Vacancy: A film about a snuff film about snuff films. What could possibly go wrong? Oh right.

Pearl Harbor: In the immortal words of Michael Bay, “BOOM!”

Serendipity: Somehow and even though Beckensale herself is English, she sounded like an American very badly impersonating an English person in this film.

Tiptoes: Not even worth the novelty of Gary Oldman playing a dwarf.

Underworld: Evolution: The other Underworld films obviously qualify, but this one was the absolute crappiest. Yes, I’ve seen them all so far because I’m a sucker for vampire flicks. Get it?

Van Helsing: I’ve given my opinions on this movie on many prior occasions. I hate it so bloody much.

Whiteout: Somehow, this case of a dead body in Antarctica generated no suspense. It’s also difficult to suspend disbelief when Beckinsale has a shower scene in the midst of what is essentially a vast ice sheet. But hey, shower scene!

The Golden Bowl: This movie was so overacted and poorly scripted that it’s amazing all of the characters had no idea what the others’ motives really were.

Everybody’s FIne: This movie was so goddamn depressing, not to mention yet another crappy Robert De Niro film.

Fragments: Like Crash, only I cared about the characters even less.

And a little unexpected bonus number for you…

Shooting Fish: Some might call this movie underrated, quirky, and/or charming. Obviously, I disagree.

Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at Celebitchy.

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Comments

I kind of respect people who own their niche in the industry. She's a B movie actress with an A movie face. She makes poor quality films, but she's so beautiful, she gets invited to events at which she shows up looking gorgeous.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 18, 2012 2:08 PM

I agree with Mrs. J because, well, she's right. I do have 2 comments regarding the hairstyles on display in the posters.

1) Patricia Arquette in the Tiptoes poster. to steel a line from cameltoe.org, "Black people with dreads look cool. White people with dreads look like they need a bath and some parenting."

2) Beckinsale in the Shooting Fish poster looks like they pulled a shot from lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com

You could also add "Any future movies directed by Len Wiseman" to the list, just for future proofing.

Posted by: Groundloop at January 18, 2012 2:17 PM

Couldn't you just have listed her good films...

Cold Comfort Farm

...and be done with it?

I know everybody felt they owed it to her dad to give her a chance but when are we going to admit that she's not exactly a chip off the old block?

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 18, 2012 2:18 PM

But..but...PLEATHER!

Posted by: admin at January 18, 2012 2:21 PM

I thought her butt in pleather was kind of the point.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 18, 2012 2:24 PM

Shooting Fish was really cute!!!! How could you??

Posted by: marigi at January 18, 2012 2:25 PM

Hey, PaddyDog, Much Ado About Nothing and Laurel Canyon were pretty good.

Posted by: sars at January 18, 2012 2:25 PM

Thank you for not including The Last Days of Disco. It gets slammed a lot, but I dig it.

Where's Whit?

Posted by: Falstaff at January 18, 2012 2:28 PM

The poster for Tiptoes is the ugliest thing ever.

Posted by: minorblue at January 18, 2012 2:33 PM

they pulled a shot from lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com

"Groundloop", is it?

And, again, it's rubber, and there's nothing earthshaking going on back there anyway.

She did used to be so pretty though.

Posted by: Jay at January 18, 2012 2:34 PM

Holy crap! I looked at the pic for Shooting Fish and was like "where's Beckinsale on this poste...OH!....ohhhhhhhh....".

Posted by: ComfortableMadness at January 18, 2012 2:34 PM

Not just any pleather. PLEATHER IN 3D!

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 18, 2012 2:36 PM

@sars:

I'll give you that as overall films they were pretty good, but her, ahem, performance in each of them?

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 18, 2012 2:38 PM

She made a good Emma; snotty and bitchy, as written.

Posted by: portlandmermaid at January 18, 2012 2:38 PM

Yes, a pretty pile of crap...but it's hard to harbor any ill feelings toward her. Endearingly pretty, accessible to geek-boys. Painfully beautiful to watch in Laurel Canyon. Didn't she once suggest she had the sweetest vagina on earth? Who does that? The person I named my bike after, that's who. Turns out shallow and pretty can be a way to go through life.

Posted by: Tao at January 18, 2012 2:43 PM

I've never seen any of those movies... come to think of it I am not sure I've ever seen a Kate Beckinsale movie... she is really pretty. So basically, ditto what Mrs. Julien said.

Posted by: MRod at January 18, 2012 2:51 PM

What is that TipToes thing... I don't even... ??!!

Seriously, my mind is reeling with how bizarre that is. I might need to lie down for a minute.

Posted by: MM at January 18, 2012 3:22 PM

The tag line for Shooting Fish can't be real. Nobody got paid to write that. I do not believe it.

Posted by: Craigilicious at January 18, 2012 3:35 PM

Not a great actress, but I (mostly) don't care because she's insanely hot. I'd let her drink my bathwater any day.

Posted by: MrFrye at January 18, 2012 3:49 PM

Van Helsing, hands down. Also a shoe in for worse CGI ever.

Posted by: altan at January 18, 2012 3:51 PM

I have a strange affection for Van Helsing. Watched it in a park with fellow uni students, with sarcastic comments shouted at the screen every 5 minutes and cheap booze. It was like drunken MST 3000.

Posted by: Joker at January 18, 2012 4:25 PM

Funny that one of the films on this list is called "Shooting Fish" because I imagine coming up with this list was rather like shooting fish in a barrel.

She really is a terrible actress, but as everyone else has pointed out, she's damn gorgeous.

Posted by: jimbob at January 18, 2012 4:53 PM

"As con artists, they were hard to beat, but they were easy targets for love."

Wow! Who wrote that?

Posted by: John G. at January 18, 2012 4:56 PM

@MM:

Did you watch the trailer? The movie might've been terrible, but that trailer is a work of unintentional comedic hilarity. Or intentional...who knows?

Posted by: PG13 at January 18, 2012 5:01 PM

Trailer? What? I'm only looking at the poster. Is the trailer linked, or do I need to search for it?

Posted by: MM at January 18, 2012 5:02 PM

I miss her Much Ado About Nothing and Cold Comfort Farm days. I actually enjoyed her onscreen back then.

Posted by: Pants at January 18, 2012 5:06 PM

Patricia Arquette's hair is in cornrows, not dreadlocks, on what has to be the worst photoshopped poster in history. It looks like Kate Beckinsale's and Gary Oldman's heads were taken from other posters and slapped on this one.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at January 18, 2012 5:06 PM

Is this a list of bad movies or horrible posters?! WTF did they do to Deniro?! Serendipity! Ahh!H!! The font! It burnsss!

Posted by: Protoguy at January 18, 2012 5:23 PM

Van Helsing is always the answer whenever a list of "Crappiest Movies Ever" list is being put together.

And yet...Beckinsale in tight fighting period garb.

See ladies? This is what a pretty face does to us. Many of us will fork over good money to watch the latest POS of Ms. Beckinsale's career just for her glorious form in latex.

Posted by: Fredo at January 18, 2012 5:24 PM

So Beckinsale had a shower scene in Whiteout...

I'll be right back.

Posted by: csb at January 18, 2012 6:03 PM

"She really is a terrible actress"

You're a clueless idiot, as is the asswipe who made this insipid post. The posters in the comment section are just stupid. Kate Beckinsale is not different than many actresses in Hollywood. She's a good actress that's made a number of bad choices, as well as a number of good films. If you don't believe that, go look Russell Crowes resume, which shows good film littered amongst bad films.

As to this list, it only proves the author is an idiot who should be kicked in the face until he stops moving. Including films like Winged Creatures, Serendipity, and Everybody's Fine in a list like this just shows he's ignorant and wouldn't know a good film if it sat on his face and wiggled.

Kate Beckinsale has made many good to very good films, and has given many good performances. It's just you dumbasses are to ignorant to know about them or too tasteless to know a good film from a bad film. That's her curse I guess. Her best films are rarely seen, and her worst films are seen by everyone.

Much Ado About Nothing
Cold Comfort Farm
Haunted
Emma
Last Days Of Disco
Laurel Canyon
The Aviator
Snow Angels
Nothing But the Truth

Then again, most of you are nothing but a bunch of losers who've never achieved one hundred of a percent of what Kate Beckinsale has achieved.

Posted by: Joe at January 18, 2012 6:11 PM

Seeing Kate Beckinsale with all these talented actors in these horrible movies reminds me of a line from MST3k: "Featuring James Earl Jones at a low point in his career, and Kim Cattrall at a high point in hers."

Posted by: Craig at January 18, 2012 6:14 PM

Hmmm, only three errors/typos. Subtle.

THAT is how you troll, you fucking amateurs.

Posted by: Jay at January 18, 2012 6:40 PM

Serendipity is a terrible film, no matter what anyone may tell you.

Posted by: John G. at January 18, 2012 7:00 PM

Jay, are you sure it's only three? It feels like so many more. Then again, I am a stupid head who is stupid and says stupid things* in the comments of stupid blog posts. Because of the stupid being.

*Upon review, yes, those are cornrows, not dreads that Ms. Arquette is sporting, but I still think the bath/parenting suggestion is still germane.

PS. Joe? Agent Bedhead? Not a he. I don't know if you've commented here before, but I always feel it's good form to get the lay of the land and establish a foundation on a site before you start calling everyone stupid and suggest violent acts be visited upon the author of a post. Admittedly TK insults and threatens everyone all the time, and we welcome it like we welcome kisses from a pre-punted puppy, but you Sir, are no TK.

Posted by: Groundloop at January 18, 2012 7:16 PM

Well, like I said--subtle. I checked it out but coulda still missed something. It's all about having a naturalistic style.

Posted by: Jay at January 18, 2012 7:19 PM

I loved her @ss in UNDERWORLD, but, otherwise? Meh.

Posted by: E Lee at January 18, 2012 7:24 PM

I love Shooting Fish, I can't see any rhyme or reason why, trying to defend it is like saying that kittens aren't cute, it's kind of an impossible task.
Still, extremely likeable cast in Beckinsale before the teeth and hollywoodness, Stuart Townsend (Mrs Charlize Theron no less) playing the 'unattractive geek' and a flimsy plot involving saving money to buy a mansion and 50 pound notes getting changed. Add to that a bit of britpop with 'Spaced' on the into well, I'm going to go onto play and buy the damn thing

Posted by: Keith at January 18, 2012 7:26 PM

Serendipity? I just can't with you, Pajiba.

Posted by: TL at January 18, 2012 7:44 PM

I agree with those who say that while Much Ado About Nothing was a great movie, that is DESPITE Kate Beckinsale, rather than because of her. The ONLY thing I've seen her do that I thought she herself was good in was Cold Comfort Farm. Everything else is a poor performance disguised with pleather.

(And Everybody's Fine was marketed as some kind of comedy, and instead was THE MOST DEPRESSING FILM I've seen in years.)

Posted by: Siege at January 18, 2012 8:01 PM

I just realized that Kate Beckinsale has magical properties that bewitch me... now hold on a sec, I'm not referring to her ass in pleather/leather what have you... I'm talking about the fact that she someone manages to be completely forgettable to me. I pretty much only associate her with underworld and the ridiculous hype it got for a matrix-look-alike-not-all-that-great-vampire-movie (though had I known twilight was coming, who knows what I might have thought about it). Oh and Van Helsing... I knew she was in Pearl Harbor, but I never saw it... and somehow I've virtually avoided nearly everything she's made or completely forgotten she was in it to begin with. So truthfully when I read the title of this post... my initial thought was "Kate Beckinsale has made 11 movies? I guess she must have, otherwise how could she qualify for an '11 Crappiest Movies of...' segment?"

She's a whats-her-face to me.

Posted by: protoformX at January 18, 2012 9:02 PM

Keith, thank you! Shooting Fish is adorable and I will love it forever like I love kittens and Skittles.

Also, did anyone see that serious movie she did with Sam Rockwell? Snow Angels, I believe? I like them both so much but I completely missed that one. Anybody?

Posted by: Anne At Large at January 18, 2012 9:56 PM

I don't think I get the hype...

Posted by: stump at January 18, 2012 10:06 PM

Did anyone else read The Golden Bowl as The Golden Bowel?

Posted by: Bee at January 18, 2012 10:30 PM

I've not seen any of these movies except for "Whiteout" and that was for only about 20 minutes. Guess that counts as "seen." I've never heard of any of the others. Is she only getting work because those "Underworld" movies are making money or is it because she's sleeping with somebody famous? I really shouldn't say that because I know zero about her so, moving on . . .

Posted by: mslewis at January 18, 2012 10:56 PM

Booo! I like Click and Serendipity.

Kate was full of potential when I first saw her in Brokedown Palace. Then she decided to become an action movie star instead.

Posted by: Adrien at January 18, 2012 11:07 PM

She's certainly been in a shitload of immensely crappy films and does pretty much nothing for me, but DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE MOCK SHOOTING FISH.

Posted by: Arran at January 19, 2012 12:11 AM

I have to confess that I have an odd affection for Serendipity. The plot is all kinds of ridiculous, but I just really enjoyed Jeremy Piven and Molly Shannon as the respective sidekicks.

Posted by: Jelinas at January 19, 2012 3:00 AM

I saw KB on Letterman the other night and I have to say she was actually incredibly endearing...and re: Serendipty accent, I actually thought during the Letterman interview, "she sounds like she's impersonating a British person!" Maybe it's just her luck.

Posted by: V at January 19, 2012 3:18 AM

Shooting Fish is delightful. I've often considered it to be her only decent film.

Posted by: idrathernotsay at January 19, 2012 4:05 AM

I love Serendipity, mostly for John Cusack but KB was okay innit I guess. I just have a soft spot for some overly romantic comedies. Sue me.

Posted by: lauwer at January 19, 2012 6:20 AM

If the world was a fair place Beckingsdale would doing soft core porn for Cinemax exclusively. That's about as far as her talent goes. She just got VERY lucky in the marriage department, and must give a mean head.

PS: Underworld I was a fluke that had Sofia Myles in it.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 19, 2012 7:54 AM

I, for one, really enjoyed Joe's post. It's been a while since we upset someone to that degree. As I read it, I pictured the guy becoming angrier and angrier and typing the last few words in tears of rage. I propose a weekly Kate Beckinsale bashing column just to elicit more of the same.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 19, 2012 10:15 AM

Van Hellsing is one of my favorite bad movies. It's just so comprehensively silly and poorly-done that I can't help but enjoy it. The only thing that isn't laughably terrible about it is the costuming. At least it was decent?

Posted by: Sassafrass Green at January 19, 2012 11:03 AM

As I have mentioned before, I am a sucker for RomComs, so I actually enjoyed Serendipity and would gladly watch it should I come across it on the teevee.

Also, Kate Beckinsdale continues to get a pass from me (though it is getting smaller) for being in Cold Comfort Farm.

Posted by: tamatha at January 19, 2012 1:12 PM

New Life Goal: Achieve one hundred of a percent.

Oh, and Ron-f'n-Swanson rocks the corn rows!!

Posted by: 1PunkInDrublic at January 19, 2012 2:38 PM

My initial thoughts about this topic were: "She's only been in 11 movies?"

Posted by: Salad_Is_Murder at January 19, 2012 4:25 PM

@MM ... I saw Tiptoes a few years back. In it, Gary Oldman plays a dwarf (or are we calling it little person now?). Anyway, Oldman is just about my favorite actor but you get the sense that he pulled a diva and insisted he play a dwarf to further his acting cred. So there are all these weird setups, angles, and camera tricks to make it look like Oldman is small. All the while Peter Dinklage is killing it as the hard-partying best friend with a fuck you attitude that seems to say "Why am I not the lead in this movie?". Dude didn't even make the poster!!! Patricia Arquette is his bimbo girlfriend in the movie with a smaller part than Dinklage and she made the cut, and this is right after his breakthrough role in The Station Agent.

Let me rephrase. Tiptoes is the one and only movie specifically about dwarfism and the struggles of people who deal with it--but it doesn't even have the balls to cast the greatest living dwarf actor in the lead role, in favor of a non-dwarf. The producers want you to think they care about dwarfism, and want to show how they are people just like everyone else, but didn't think a dwarf could handle being the lead, because yeah, I guess they are not as good? Way to go makers of Tiptoes! The whole situation just seeps with irony.

Posted by: dagnabbit at January 19, 2012 4:28 PM

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The 11 Crappiest Movies of Kate Beckinsale’s Career

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