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The Ten Best Hair Band Videos

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Music | Comments (56)



poison.jpg

I want to thank you all for indulging me as the temporary music editor the last couple of weeks. It’s certainly been entertaining. Or painful, if you’re George. I’ve done my best over the last two weeks to not actually write about music, because I don’t really have the vocabulary for it. Today’s video post is no exception. Happily, we can all welcome back TK next Monday, who will be taking back the tattered remains of Pajiba Music, with my apologies. And for TK: This post is going to hurt.

But before we get to today’s music post, a little personal history for context: See, I wasn’t always the obnoxiously progressive, feminist type. I grew up with a closeted gay father, who hid his secret behind Playboy pinups (which adorned his walls), muscle T-shirts (though he had no muscles), and hair metal T-shirts (he kept his Madonna and Irene Cara albums hidden in locked drawers). So, before my father came out of the closet, and before I dated a series of strong feminist women who loved to berate my sexist ways, I watched a lot of “Married … with Children.” And I listened to an inordinate amount of hair metal (in fact, I didn’t come to appreciate many of the videos featured in yesterday’s post until the 90s). I saw them all in concert, too. Winger, Extreme, Poison, KISS, Def Leppard, Steelheart, Trixter, Bon Jovi. You name it: I saw it. I’m not proud of it, but there you go. I was a hair metal junkie. And not even the decent hair metal (RATT, Quiet Riot, Twisted Sister). I liked the bubblegum variety. Hell, most of what was on Headbanger’s Ball was too hardcore for me. So when I got MTV, what I really loved to watch was hair metal videos. All of them. All the time.

And as an expert at the time, I can confidently say, these were the ten best from the era:


10. Talk Dirty to Me, Poison


9. Don’t Know What You’ve Got Til It’s Gone, Cinderella


8. Wait, White Lion

7. Monkey Business, Skid Row

6. Cherry Pie, Warrant

5. Home Sweet Home, Motley Crue

4. Bad Medicine, Bon Jovi

3. Pour Some Sugar on Me, Def Leppard

2. Welcome to the Jungle, Guns n’ Roses

1. Here I Go Again, Whitesnake









Short Circuit Remake | Pajiba Love 06/04/09













Comments

Throwing around the word "best" awful haphazardly here, aren't you?

Posted by: Case at June 4, 2009 12:05 PM

And this love for hair metal videos on DR's part has evolved into an unrequited romance with Ryan Reynold's abs.
The more things change...

Posted by: Spender at June 4, 2009 12:06 PM

Jesus Christ, Rowles. I mean, just . . . Jesus Fucking Christ.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 4, 2009 12:12 PM

I'm Tawny and I can't Kitaen myself.

Posted by: La Femme Nikita at June 4, 2009 12:12 PM

And again we're missing Round and Round by Ratt...

Posted by: Eep at June 4, 2009 12:14 PM

I take SERIOUS issue with looping GnR into this poofy group...also- no RATT??????

Posted by: Be Adequite! at June 4, 2009 12:14 PM

G&R!? Hair metal? Come on Rowles, get a grip. Also, Paradise City's video was superior to Welcome To The Jungle.

Good Day!

Posted by: admin at June 4, 2009 12:19 PM

Jesus fucking wept.

I promise, I'll never leave again.

Posted by: TK at June 4, 2009 12:24 PM

I can't even watch any of these without flashing back to elementary and junior high school. For a brief while, I was sitting at the "headbangers" table at lunch. Oh yeah. And the music was terrible.
I refuse to revisit the past today, you can't make me.

Posted by: Sharon at June 4, 2009 12:24 PM

Skid Row - I Remember You
Motley Crue - Primal Scream
Great White - Once Bitten, Twice Shy
Guns N Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine
Scorpion - No One Like You

I could go on and on and on and ..........

Posted by: Jadine at June 4, 2009 12:24 PM

Oops -Scorpions

Posted by: Jadine at June 4, 2009 12:26 PM

Jesus fucking wept.
I promise, I'll never leave again.
Posted by: TK at June 4, 2009 12:24 PM
_______________________________

Jesus ain't the ONLY one weepin', T.K.

Posted by: Spender at June 4, 2009 12:34 PM

God dammit, I HATE hair bands. I appreciate what you've done, Dustin, but god DAMN I hate hair bands!

UGHHHHHH!

Posted by: ChristianH at June 4, 2009 12:34 PM

O. M. G. This is my favorite thing ever.
Um, I don't even know where to begin. Can I start by voting for "all of them"?

Anything GNR, although Sweet Child of Mine will always be first and foremost my favorite song and video and every other category it falls under. To this day I'm still obsessed with anything and everything GNR.

Whitesnake's Is This Love is friggin awesome...people forget about it b/c they remember the other Tawny video, Here I Go Again. But Is This Love shows them fighting and breaking up and being all angsty. Yay.

Every Rose Has its Thorn-Poison. That song is just great and I was such a sucker for that video. Poor Bret Michaels, how could she do that to you?

Skid Row-I Remember You. My, how that tugged at the heart-strings, with the guy dropping the photos of his lost love. Plus I thought Sebastian Bach was sooooo cute.

Cherry Pie-Warrent. That video was just fun. And dirty, but I was a little young to really notice back then.

Anything Bon Jovi. JBJ was just pretty to look at.

Honestly, I can't even pick individual videos. I freakin loved them all. I could go on all day.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at June 4, 2009 12:35 PM

Hee. Best list ever. I love watching the music freaks cry.

Posted by: figgy at June 4, 2009 12:36 PM

To those who take issue with including GNR...I used to, too, but unfortunately most people seem to lump them in b/c they were all part of the same era. Eh, I pick my battles.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at June 4, 2009 12:39 PM

I know it was the 90s but its still GnR and the November Rain video was fucking epic and I'll hear no argument otherwise.

Plus I'll Remember You was the better Skid Row video. Oh Sebastian Bach, I still dream of those painted on pants.

Well called on Cherry Pie and Here I go Again though.

What? I regret nothing!

Posted by: MG at June 4, 2009 12:40 PM

Jeez, Dustin, I loved this stuff too, but Cherry Pie? Really? Even I hated that video, and I liked everything. We're breaking up again.

TK, do you see what happens when you leave? It's a shambles, I tell you. A shambles.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 4, 2009 12:40 PM

Seriously, you qualified Deff Leppard as a FUCKING HAIR BAND?

Seriously? We are going there? You are actually going there ?

Unbelievable?

And what the fuck is Skid Row doing there?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at June 4, 2009 12:44 PM

MG you're my soulmate.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at June 4, 2009 12:44 PM

I'll take "I Want Action" over "Talk Dirty To Me," especially with the wacky diner-interview scene that starts it.

And yeah, Guns N' Roses was* NOT a hair band; their music was actually good.

*note the use of past tense. One-fifth of a band does not constitute current existence of said band, nor does said one-fifth's persuance of past glories fill any kind of void or nostalgia for band.

Posted by: bev rage at June 4, 2009 12:47 PM

First, this needed to be a top 20 list Dustin, it would have been quieter with less bitching, like what I am going to do. Second, G-n-R is not hair metal, they were the ones that helped start the fall that was finished by Nirvana and Pearl Jam.

Where the hell is Dokken? "Alone Again," belongs here. Where is Slaughter and hell though they were beyond talented where is Mr. Big? Hell even Ozzy could
be in this due to the dreck that came from his Ultimate Sin album, "Shot in the Dark," is a Hair Metal video without a doubt.

Posted by: richmac at June 4, 2009 12:53 PM

Here's the criteria I think; if the band ever wore make up, they were Hair Metal. Thus Skid Row, Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, and GnR are out. Likely Warrant too but I swear Jani Lane is wearing lip gloss in the Cherry Pie video.

Also, I saw Cindrella on a nostalgia tour a few years back and they rocked the house down. Those guys always had more chops than they were given credit for.

Posted by: TylerDFC at June 4, 2009 12:59 PM

Isn't "Best Hair Band Video" something like being "Best Baby Rapist" or "Best Republican Senator"? You're the best at what you do, but what you do is just awful.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 4, 2009 1:10 PM

Also, I just wanted to point out - I reviewed the Ben Folds fucking a cappella album for you, DR, and this is how you repay me?

I am so going to kick your ass tomorrow.

Posted by: TK at June 4, 2009 1:10 PM

After said ass-kicking, I am going to buy Tracer Bullet a drink.

Posted by: TK at June 4, 2009 1:13 PM

Sorry, TK. It was either this or: "Bands that both Zach Braff and I Love!" What can I say: It's what I know.

And for the rest of you who claim GnR wasn't a hair band, images don't lie:

http://fashionbyme.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/guns_n13.jpg

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at June 4, 2009 1:19 PM

Winger!! Yeah!!

Where's my air horn?

Posted by: katy at June 4, 2009 1:23 PM

Hey Whorish Mouth...wanna get awkwardly fondled and uncomfortably banged in the back of a primer-gray Camaro? I can get my hands on one for the weekend. And some Aquanet. And an acid-washed denim jacket.

I imagine my above paragraph to be like Spanish Fly and yer all squirmy in your seat now with anticipation, covering your chair with humidity.

Posted by: PissBoy at June 4, 2009 1:24 PM

"To this day I'm still obsessed with anything and everything GNR. "

I'm assuming then, Whorish Mouth, you haven't heard Chine... SHUT YOUR MOUTH TK, YOU JUST SHUT YOUR GODDAM MOUTH!

As I was saying, I'm assuming you haven't heard Chinese Democracy?

Posted by: Skitz at June 4, 2009 1:26 PM

Really? No Europe with "The Final Countdown"? Come ON!!!

Posted by: Lainey at June 4, 2009 1:28 PM

@ Skitz

[shakes head]

Sometimes I don't even know why I try. Next time, just pay me 15 bucks to punch you in the stomach. Same effect, and I'll be 15 bucks richer.

Posted by: TK at June 4, 2009 1:32 PM

Pissboy, only if you play Bon Jovi's Never Say Goodbye for me.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at June 4, 2009 1:34 PM

Skitz, I own it. And I went and saw them when they toured last.
Sorry...I just can't break it.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at June 4, 2009 1:42 PM

GnR, Skid Row, and Def Leppard are not hair bands. Even though I havent listened to the album Slave to the Grind in a while I still have fond memories of it.

Posted by: Continental Almonds at June 4, 2009 1:43 PM

I vote Winger - Seventeen. C'mon! Ballet moves! Black and white! Kip Winger's ridiculous cut-up tank top tied in a knot!

"Daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me!"

Posted by: MM at June 4, 2009 1:44 PM

"Daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me!""

You know, Slayer got accused of devil worship, but at least they aren't fucking pedophiles.

Posted by: TK at June 4, 2009 1:56 PM

TK...in deference to Kip Winger related creepiness...

And God was good and he gave us Glen Burnie, MD....and he did bring us Heavy metal Parking Lot.

"I'm Dave Hanover, 20 years old. And I'm ready to rock."
"I'm Dawn. I'm 13."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5S45ri1a00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0cpclLliCE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vq-NIrgg9kU

Posted by: PissBoy at June 4, 2009 2:12 PM

Posted by: PissBoy at June 4, 2009 2:15 PM

....covering your chair with humidity.

We now have the replacement for moist.

Posted by: admin at June 4, 2009 3:38 PM

TK has no comment on Chinese Democracy. He still thinks Slash is in GnR...

Posted by: Riles at June 4, 2009 3:40 PM

ohhhhh no. Nonononononono.

No form of the word "good" (better, best, great, rockalicious, etc.) applies in ANY way to that dark, dark time in music.

No, sir.

*shudder*

Posted by: sugar booger at June 4, 2009 4:07 PM

As a one time super proud hard core cock rocker (fuck you, it was the '80's!), I was hoping to see some Brittany Fox "Girlschool" or some Dangerous Toys "Teas'n Pleas'n" on this list. But as it is, it's not bad. Also, I would submit "When the Children Cry" instead of "Wait" for White Lion and also "18 & Life" instead of "Monkey Business", although MB was a way better song.

And now I'll go back to my cage.

Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at June 4, 2009 4:12 PM

eep - round and round was the first video i thought of that was missing from this list. nothing like a bad hair band riding the merry go round.

and this was a terrible, terrible flashback. TK , please don't ever leave us again...

Posted by: aprileee at June 4, 2009 4:52 PM

This shit is hilarious.

Posted by: Mick J at June 4, 2009 6:17 PM

I like all of these so no arguments from me but it's interesting how music creates hotter debates than films. I think music is more of a personal thing. Obviously we could agree to disagree but the bitching is fun so keep on doing it folks.

Posted by: barf at June 4, 2009 6:25 PM

Okay, wait. I did think Sebastian Bach was very pretty.
Very pretty indeed. But as Janeane Garafolo once said in MTV's 25 Lamest (did anyone else watch that forever and ever ago? Funny as hell) come on guys. Leave-in conditioner. Size of a quarter, palm of your hand.

Posted by: Sharon at June 4, 2009 7:03 PM

Since you bring up Janeane Garofolo, this post made me think of another bit from when she used to do stand-up on MTV (way, waaaaay back in the time machine):

I can't remember exactly what her "naughty" phrase was, but I think she said, "Can I say pud chain? I can't say pud chain, but MTV can play Cherry Pie on heavy rotation..."

Just, yeah. Cherry Pie. A fucking masterpiece, that one. Subtle.

Posted by: MM at June 4, 2009 7:59 PM

I love this list! I can find no fault in it, it is all kinds of nostalgia. While reading it I could smell the hairspray, I could hear the cheap bangles on my wrist (a good portion of the way to my elbow) and I could almost feel the jeans that were nearly painted on and I could hear my Dad asking me if I had to pour myself into them! No, nothing wrong with it at all.

Posted by: Eyvi at June 4, 2009 8:21 PM

Hair was a way to get girls to take their shirts off, that's certain, but it was also a way of rebelling against Ronald Regan conservatives, and Margaret Thatcher conservatives. Most of it was terrible, but there were some good, hell, even great ones. (Guns n' Roses is so a hair band, just look at that spandex.)

Posted by: George at June 5, 2009 12:03 AM

Great List! But lets all get real here. If you were a 14 in 1987-88 the best video hands down is
GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS! by the Crue.

Posted by: ZAGA at June 5, 2009 12:40 AM

Where the fuck was I? Did I sleep through all this? Oh, that's right, the '80s was when I discovered Husker Du and the SST stable.

Just in time.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 5, 2009 1:25 AM

There was a Castrate Metal Band named Cinderella?

Wow, these guys deserve everything bad thrown at them.

Thanks to the gods that I was too young for this shit when it was modern.

Posted by: FabMax at June 5, 2009 6:07 AM

My 16 yr old daughter recently expressed jealousy that I got to grow up in the 80's so I directed her to this page. She has since promised to never question my judgement again.

Posted by: RandyPanTheGoatboy at June 5, 2009 7:15 AM

huh-huh -- he said Whitesnake.

Posted by: hater from siloam springs at June 5, 2009 11:09 AM

man, I want that skid's kid shiny hair so bad, I wish I could take it behind middleschool and....
meh, this barely works

Posted by: orianne sanson at June 5, 2009 8:21 PM


















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