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The 11 Point Charlie Sheen Life Manifesto

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Miscellaneous | Comments (33)

charlie-sheen-cincinnati1.jpg

Do not worship false idols. There is only one God. His name is Charlie Sheen. He is a winner. If you want to be a winner like Charlie Sheen, follow the 11 points of his life manifesto. Don’t listen to those AA sissies. That’s a bootleg cult peddling a book of lies. Their success rate is only five percent. Charlie Sheen’s success rate is 100 percent. 100 percent win. Charlie Sheen can cure diseases with his brain. Compared to Charlie Sheen, Thomas Jefferson was a pussy. Charlie Sheen is not a soft target. Charlie Sheen’s life is bitchin’ and perfect, bro.

If you want a perfect life, where you can fly around the world with smokin hotties, stop touching yourself and heed Charlie Sheen’s 11 Point Life Manifesto, as revealed earlier today in an interview with Alex Jones.

1. No panic. No judgement.

2. Leave marriage to the amateurs and the Bible grippers.

3. Don’t stress the fools and trolls who lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their ugly lives.

4. You have the right to kill, but you do not have the right to judge.

5. Don’t give interviews. Leave warnings.

6. Either love, or hate. But you must do so violently.

7. Hate everybody that’s not in your family because they are there to destroy you and they will come at you in all forms and shapes.

8. Don’t live in the middle. That’s where you get slaughtered. Where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen.

9. Hang on to your resentments. They fuel your attack. They fuel the battle cry of your deadly and dangerous and quiet battle soldiers.

10. Look fear right down the barrel.

11. The only thing you should be addicted to is winning.










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Comments

This is evil. I mean, not his 11 Point Manifesto, although that certainly qualifies.

No, I mean the juxtaposition of these reprehensible words with a picture of the Major League era Charlie that my former, more naïve self worshipped and had juicy, juicy fantasies about.

Color my lady loins very confused.

Posted by: noodlestein at February 24, 2011 8:07 PM

Where the fuck is Emelio Estivez when you need him?

Posted by: superasente at February 24, 2011 8:25 PM

charlie sheen is the likable mel gibson

Posted by: ben morrison at February 24, 2011 8:44 PM

This isn't his manifesto. He just stole the captions from the various "rage wolf" meme posters.

Posted by: Harborwolf at February 24, 2011 8:52 PM

too crazy; didn't listen

But, I read that he also did some shit-talking about Chuck Lorre. Far be it for me to defend Chuck Lorre, because I don't really care, but it's pretty bad form to insult your boss publicly, especially when said boss has been reasonably supportive of you and not called you out on your crazy shit as much as he could have.

Posted by: MM at February 24, 2011 8:59 PM

This is too hilarious for words. I wonder what, exactly, he was high on when he laid this out? Sounds like a 15 year old who just tried speed for the first time and finished reading "Atlas Shrugged" in the same week.

Posted by: martin at February 24, 2011 9:16 PM

*BREAKING NEWS*

Date line: CBS


CBS has just announced the cancellation of “Two and a Half Men.”

It’s about fucking time somebody put a stop to this fucker, now he can go and fuck all the whowas he wants and smoke all the dope he wants.

Posted by: Pookie at February 24, 2011 9:28 PM

The man's a god damn genious.

Posted by: Winterbottom at February 24, 2011 9:39 PM

I thought they just announced the cancellation of the remainder of the season? Not the show itself.

They make way too much money to just cancel.

I think Charlie will win in the end. He always does.

But that said, who watches that piece of shit show? Or the Shatner show? Does anyone here watch them? Or know anyone that does?

Posted by: Sean at February 24, 2011 9:45 PM

This one is crazy, I don't like 2 and half or one and half, give some good perfect program CBS.

Posted by: Sheela S at February 24, 2011 9:52 PM

it's refreshing when someone forgoes the pr-speak and just says what he thinks. and 2 1/2 men was ridiculous anyway. it's about time it got shanked. ironic that Charlie is the one that did it.

Posted by: d at February 24, 2011 10:20 PM

What..exactly is going on anent that right elbow?

Posted by: Salieri2 at February 24, 2011 11:35 PM

Ooof; I've been trying to listen to this whole interview, and it is horrific what a gigantic TOOL this man is. I mean, I know he's as asshole, abusive, addict - and not someone I ever want to watch on screen - but he actually talks about himself as Boom! Winning! because he's a Winner! and everyone else is a Loser! who just doesn't GET him! He uses the word "gnarly" unironically. As for his addiction? "BOOM! I CURED IT! And I'm just gonna sit back here with these two smokin' hotties and fly around the world in my private plane." He couldn't come across as a bigger asshat if he were trying.

Posted by: Edith at February 25, 2011 12:18 AM

“What..exactly is going on anent that right elbow?”

Posted by: Salieri2 at February 24, 2011 11:35 PM


Geez Salieri2, don’t you know anything? That’s Sheen’s dope elbow, he had a dialysis port put in so his whowas could drop by and pour the dope in while he’s sleeping off his latest three day binge.

Posted by: Pookie at February 25, 2011 12:26 AM

To be honest I’m kinda liking Sheen’s scorched earth approach towards life. Very rarely does one get a front row seat to a star’s suicide. I mean Sheen is Evil Knievel jumping snake river canyon, he’s Franz Klammer in 76 going downhill wearing a blindfold. This motherfucker is free diving drunk off the coast of California. Rehab! He don’t need no stinking rehab.

Posted by: Pookie at February 25, 2011 1:04 AM

Pookie, you nailed it for me.

Posted by: zeke the pig at February 25, 2011 4:20 AM

Nailed it. But I hope he hits a tree.

Posted by: Ender at February 25, 2011 5:08 AM

1. No panic. No judgement.
2. Leave marriage to the amateurs and the Bible grippers.
3. Don’t stress the fools and trolls who lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their ugly lives.
4. You have the right to kill, but you do not have the right to judge.
5. Don’t give interviews. Leave warnings.
6. Either love, or hate. But you must do so violently.
7. Hate everybody that’s not in your family because they are there to destroy you and they will come at you in all forms and shapes.
8. Don’t live in the middle. That’s where you get slaughtered. Where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen.
9. Hang on to your resentments. They fuel your attack. They fuel the battle cry of your deadly and dangerous and quiet battle soldiers.
10. Look fear right down the barrel.
11. The only thing you should be addicted to is winning.

So say we all, SO SAY WE ALL!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 25, 2011 6:38 AM

Alpine shoutout @pookie: Bless ya for the Franz Klammer reference! Schnapps on me next time you're in the hood.

Posted by: cinekat at February 25, 2011 7:12 AM

Oh, and Charlie Sheen is a tool.
He's that dinged-up indefinable tool knocking around the bottom of your toolbox which you continuously bang your fingers on while searching for what you actually need, but which you hold on to nonetheless with the vague disquietening sense that surely it must've been good for something at some point even if you can't recall it now.

Posted by: cinekat at February 25, 2011 7:19 AM

It was just a mission statement... *tear*

Posted by: charlie maguire at February 25, 2011 10:07 AM

Charlie Sheen maybe the perfect actor. Sure, his show is pure and utter SHIT. But I like to think he is going to return to the movies and will win an Oscar next year. No, he WILL.

Posted by: Zeff at February 25, 2011 10:54 AM

Sounds just like a football coach.

Posted by: , at February 25, 2011 11:20 AM

If he's sober during that interview I feel very sorry for the hookers that have had to deal with him high. *WINNING* BAM!

I have a feeling he's going to try and claim this was just an act to feed the press or some crap. Oh, and who the hell is Alex Jones and why is he dumb enough to believe this shit?

Posted by: Paultera at February 25, 2011 11:35 AM

Paultera, Alex Jones is a conspiracy theorist 9-11 Truther syndicated radio DJ from Texas. Go here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alex_Jones_(radio_host)

Posted by: GreenMyEyes at February 25, 2011 11:52 AM

Fuck you guys. You are all festering maggots who look at me and can't process it. Hello? Yup. goodbye!... Winning!

Posted by: Charlie Sheen at February 25, 2011 2:41 PM

You wear too much eye makeup. My sister wears too much eyeliner. People think she's a whore.

Posted by: bananapanda at February 25, 2011 2:53 PM

Bananapanda for the win.

So say we all, SO SAY WE ALL!

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at February 25, 2011 4:58 PM

People, I believe we have found.....The Messiah.

Posted by: Illuminatus at February 25, 2011 7:13 PM

And what about the Fists Of Fire (tm) in the Octagon? YOU BETTER LOOK OUT, CHUCK LORRE!

Posted by: Chickaboom at February 25, 2011 8:58 PM

I download almost everything, and then archive it to external hard drives, currently at 20+ TB. I have seasons of shows I have never seen, but "plan" to.

I have every episode of various shows like MASH, Scrubs, 30 Rock, Better Off Ted etc.

Total number of episodes of .025 Men: Zero.

Yet its the most popular and highest paid show on TV...WTF? (As Phil Dunphy would say, "Why the Face?")...

Posted by: TrickyHD at February 26, 2011 12:50 AM

I'm actually thankful for Charlie Sheen, because as far as tabloid train-wrecks go, his is more interesting than Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears.

There was so much gold in the whole rant. I hope everyone listens to it. There's a part where he talks about watching the movie Jaws while on a boat, and how he was seeing it in 4-d, but he wasn't on drugs of course. No, Charlie, no drugs. We believe you.

Posted by: John G. at February 26, 2011 12:56 AM

From high upon the mountain , Charlie addresses his people ..."I give unto you my worshippers these 15 ...
*drop* *clunk* *shatter* ...11 laws by which to live by.

Posted by: wileE at February 26, 2011 9:55 AM