web counter
 

Let's Hear It for Our Balls!

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Miscellaneous | Comments (89)

lance-armstrong-bike.jpg

Resident Pajiban and weekend comment diversion writer Bucdaddy / Tater Barley Banks / Whatever It Is He’s Calling Himself Today Comma reported over the weekend that it appeared as though the cancer might have gotten to him, testicular wise. Unfortunately, it has been confirmed (though thankfully isolated, it appears).

Today, Bucdaddy loses a ball, though I suspect he’s got enough manhood left in one testicle to support three sets of junk.

All the same: Nobody wants to lose a tea bag, so in addition to sending out good vibes, and in the hopes of keeping his spirits high post-surgery, let us all come up with our favorite ball-related movie or personality. There’s no real criteria here — just a little time killer to pay our respects to Bucdaddy’s departing testicle.

(A Moment of Silence, please)

As for me: I’m going with Willie-Jan van Ballegooi, star of Bum Fu: A Joint Venture and MaffiBAAAH!, whose nickname is also “Ball.” That’s singular, like Bucdaddy will be in a few hours.

I kid. I kid.

Best of luck with surgery, good sir. You join an illustrious group that includes Tom Green, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Arnold, Lance Armstrong, and former Phillies first baseman John Kruk, otherwise known as The Oddballs. Clearly, it doesn’t affect performance — Lance Armstrong won 57 Tour de France’s with only one testicle, and Tom Green is just as unfunny after losing a testicle as he was before. No gain, no loss. Just a little kink in your symmetry.

Best wishes, Tater.







← The Sorcerer's Apprentice Trailer | Snow Day! →













Comments

Half-Sack from Sons of Anarchy.

Posted by: PissBoy at December 9, 2009 12:18 PM

Mad Intense Best Wishes to Buc...Tater...um, our friend!

I find that liquid codeine through a straw is good for that convalescent discomfort.

Posted by: Jerce at December 9, 2009 12:19 PM

I for one welcome our horribly mangled Unitesticular Weekend Diversion Overlord.

LONG LIVE YOUR REMAINING TESTICLE!!!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 9, 2009 12:19 PM

May the surgery be quick and the post op pharmaceuticals potent!

Posted by: Supercomfypampertimefloatythrone at December 9, 2009 12:23 PM

Feardotcom has that plastic ball the little hemophilliac is playing with before she lures the victims to their horrific online deaths.

Posted by: Robert at December 9, 2009 12:25 PM

I have to go with the Scrubs episode where JDs dreams take them to Ball-Mart for Turk's "Only the Lonely". Can someone whose employee overlords allow YouTube find a clip for the good man?

Posted by: Patty O'Green at December 9, 2009 12:27 PM

Best wishes bucdaddy! Come back to us quickly because we'll miss you!

Posted by: becks at December 9, 2009 12:28 PM

You join an illustrious group that includes Tom Green, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Arnold, Lance Armstrong, and former Phillies first baseman John Kruk, otherwise known as The Oddballs.

And Hitler. If I'm to believe the rhyme.

But best wishes dude, hope all goes well, or er...as well as it can. Um, you know what I mean.

Posted by: Carrie at December 9, 2009 12:28 PM

I'm gonna go all guilty pleasure romantic comedy on Bucdaddy's ass and throw out Peter Gallagher's comatose character from While You Were Sleeping. Never play basketball with a pencil in your pocket.

Good luck good sir!

Posted by: Julie at December 9, 2009 12:28 PM

I can safely tell you I never wanted to see Lance Armstrong naked. But now I find myself... strangely enchanted.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at December 9, 2009 12:31 PM

Ah Julie, I was just thinking about that one!

Posted by: Carrie at December 9, 2009 12:31 PM

Say why doesn't he just go for the full vagina? Since they're already working on there.

Wouldn't you like that, Buc? An actual vagina, think of the possibilities.

Mmmmm a vagina...

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 9, 2009 12:32 PM

I wanted to relate this story to you in the weekend thread, but I didn't get into that thread until it was well into the hundreds of comments. Also, my husband would KILL me if he knew I was telling this...

He was born with an undescended testicle. However, since he also had other, more serious medical problems that required immediate attention, the undescended testicle got lost in the shuffle. Cut to twenty-something years later, when he was trying to get into the Navy, the doctor doing his physical says "Ya' know you only got one testicle there, son, right?" To which my husband replied "huh?". It seems he just never realized he was different since, according to him, he never paid much attention to the other naked guys in the locker room after PE. As he was telling me what the doctor said (we were dating at the time), I just kind of nodded my head and said, "Well, yeah." since I knew it immediately the first time we had sex, but I assumed he knew and didn't want to discuss it. Anyway, he ended up having to have surgery to remove the testicle form his abdomen and have it checked out for cancer (it didn't). So basically I dated this guy for 7 or 8 years years and we will be married for 16 years come January. Plus, we have 2 kids.

I assure you it has never once affected our sex life unless you count the fact that I can put his entire testicle in my mouth and he really likes that.

Posted by: elsie at December 9, 2009 12:41 PM

Well, if it's any consolation, my aunt had breast cancer, and today she runs marathons and shit like that. AND SHE'S FIFTY. Tater, if you I don't see you out of bed and in the Iron Man, I will come down and force-feed you protein shakes until you're ready.

Also, if Malachi Marx can go about his biz with only one testical, anyone can do anything with one testicle.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at December 9, 2009 12:41 PM

hail to thee, o testicle
who served thy master well
‘til cancer cruelly did let peal
the anguished ball death knell

soon ye shall be severed
and cast away, apart
from your dear twin and overlord
who must make a fresh start

without their true companion-
and yet I’ll shed no tear
for ‘tis a thing that must be done
for our Bucdaddy dear

Best wishes, sir!

Posted by: theotherboo at December 9, 2009 12:43 PM

Many well wishes, Buc. Sending hugs and prayers to you and your family. I hope everything goes smoothly, but considering you have to be shaved before surgery, I'm sure it will. Also, being put to be rest due to surgery is the best excuse to get your sandwich making requests in.

And remember, fewer taters make the stake look bigger.

But seriously, good luck!

Posted by: Kayanne at December 9, 2009 12:43 PM

A speedy recovery to you, sir. Now you will have a "Ball of Fury."

Fuck Cancer!!!!

Posted by: Jadine at December 9, 2009 12:45 PM

Favorite ball-related character? Come on, people. This is simple.

The Tall Man (Angus Scrimm) from Phantasm. He only had one ball, and he would fuck people up with it.

You see?

Get well, Buc.

Posted by: TK at December 9, 2009 12:45 PM

I can't possibly top that poem, so I'll just wish you well, Bucdaddy of the multiple names.

I'll have to go with the leech on Gordy Lachance's balls from Stand By Me, but I'm also (sadly) unable to forget the removed-testicle-related hijinks of Jake Busey and Jerry O'Connell in Tomcats.

Posted by: Sean at December 9, 2009 12:49 PM

For ball-related movie or personality I'm rather fond of Chef's chocolate salty variety, well up until that fruity little club put a stop to them!

Good luck bucdaddy, we'll all be thinking of you!


Posted by: hh at December 9, 2009 12:50 PM

Louie from "The State"

"I wanna dip my ball(s) in it!"

Bestest wishes Tate/TCF/Bucdaddy.

Posted by: havalina at December 9, 2009 12:53 PM

Tater, even.

Posted by: havalina at December 9, 2009 12:53 PM

Is this the one, Patty?

I like the Office episode where Toby does the splits and then screams like a girl and makes Pam take him to the hospital. The wedding episode from last season.

Buc, one ball or two, we know you're all man, baby. Speedy recovery, sweet cheeks.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at December 9, 2009 12:54 PM

Buc, my buddy, my pal. My little ditty pales in comparison to theotherboo, but here goes...


Here comes Buc
with his pecker in his hand
He's a one-ball man
and he's off to Pajibaland

Single ball swings left,
single ball swings right.
Come on muthafucka
better days in sight.
Cancer sucks donkey dicks, ya know.

You piss me off,
Big fuckin' C
Get on my nerves....

Posted by: dammitjanet at December 9, 2009 12:54 PM

May all your balls be Schwetty.

Posted by: elsie at December 9, 2009 12:54 PM

Grr. That worked in the preview, dammit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFsOlR7UUvI

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at December 9, 2009 12:55 PM

hahaha. That's brilliant, damnitjanet. Best of luck B. Diddy, they caught it early it sounds like so you should be fine. Your pants will just be a little roomier from now on.

Posted by: dr. pisaster at December 9, 2009 1:00 PM

Good luck, bucdaddy! Hope the surgery goes well and you get some bitchin' drugs afterwards.

Hey, you know what would rule. If you got a neuticle that hides a secret weapon, like tranquilizer darts. Just think of the possibilities......

Posted by: stardust at December 9, 2009 1:06 PM

Best of luck, Buc. On the bright side, you might have an extra set of secret ballz in there. We all could have secret ballz...

Posted by: jM at December 9, 2009 1:10 PM

This isn't movie related but does involve my favorite ball-related person.

My husband has ridden a unicycle since he was about 14 years old. He recently found a kindred spirit who is now his riding partner on very long distance uni rides, such as the 109 mile El Tour de Tucson last month. The friend is on the handy side and is regularly making new devices to solve the biggest problem they face on these rides, sore junk. I would wager to say that the removal of a testicle would probably benefit them greatly, if only they were so dedicated to this sort of sacrifice. There certainly would be less swelling.

It's about what you *can* do, not what you *can't*. May you have a quick and complication free recovery.

Posted by: katy at December 9, 2009 1:14 PM

Best of luck Big Ball Bucdaddy!

Posted by: admin at December 9, 2009 1:19 PM

Awww, buc, that's really horrible. I know you'll bone up and take it like a man, though. Well, like half a man, anyway.

*rimshot*

Seriously though, my uncle just went through this a couple years ago, and it was hell for him, so I wish you the best of luck and a speedy recovery.

I would also like to nominate Half-Sack from Sons of Anarchy.

Posted by: Snath at December 9, 2009 1:22 PM

A cousin of mine lost a testicle during a skiing accident when he was little. He grew up to be a Marine. You'll be fine.

And don't get an implant. Those things are creepy.

Posted by: Minty at December 9, 2009 1:22 PM

Oh, and do everything they say for the pre-surgery prep. Anesthesia's a bitch if you don't treat her right.

Posted by: Minty at December 9, 2009 1:23 PM

Good luck and best wishes, Tater, sir.

I didn't know that Arnold Schwartzenegger only had one ball. You learn something new every day.

Posted by: MM at December 9, 2009 1:28 PM

Oh little nut sack

Your gentle sway shall be missed

One eye spills a tear


Posted by: Cindy at December 9, 2009 1:29 PM

Think on the bright side
Now you have one less to hit
When the wife is mad

Posted by: Snath at December 9, 2009 1:32 PM

Also, has anyone seen Hard Candy? ::shudder::

Posted by: Patty O'Green at December 9, 2009 1:34 PM

Buc loses a nut

Pajibans join in to help

Cuz we're ALL nuts here

Posted by: dammitjanet at December 9, 2009 1:36 PM

Posted by: Cindy at December 9, 2009 1:38 PM

Sometimes you feel like a nut, Sometimes you don't.

You could label your sack: "Almond Joy" and "Mounds." Variety, and all that.

Fuck cancer!

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at December 9, 2009 1:47 PM

In the spirit of comedy being ever so healing and it being the Holiday
season... my vote is in for Alec Baldwin on SNL talking about his delicious
Schwetty Balls receipe.

"No one can resist, my schweety balls".

Posted by: Ms MoMo at December 9, 2009 1:57 PM

Best wishes, Buc/Tater/...

You really should consider what you're going to do with the extra space. I'd go with something with LEDs and chimes.

Posted by: Drake at December 9, 2009 2:03 PM

You guys should probably take it easy with all the teasing of Bucdaddy, he's liable to take his ball and go home.

Posted by: Yossarian at December 9, 2009 2:05 PM

That sucks, but here's to a speedy recovery.

Posted by: Slash at December 9, 2009 2:14 PM

Oh Comma/Tater Barley Banks,
For your one ball we give great thanks.
Though it dangles alone,
You still make women moan,
“As a lover, he ranks with the Francs!”

Posted by: esme at December 9, 2009 2:35 PM

Can't believe no one (myself included) didn't think of this one earlier.....

buc,etc., "Its time to NUT up, or shut up!"

Posted by: dammitjanet at December 9, 2009 2:39 PM

I have been inspired by Buc's journey to write my newest screenplay:

Ball to the Wall: The Tater Barley Story

An up and coming advertising executive discovers his humanity when he loses a testicle during a failed espresso run to Starbucks.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 9, 2009 2:55 PM

Best wishes, One-Buc Daddy!

And yeah, fuck cancer in the butthole, dude. Kick its ass.

Posted by: figgy at December 9, 2009 3:00 PM

What? Really? I'm the first on thread to bring this up?

"OW! MY BALLS!"

Ok. It's out of my system. Good luck, buc.

Posted by: Natural 20 at December 9, 2009 3:05 PM

Good luck Bucaddy, hope all is well.
As for Ballssss...well.
I have no ballstories. I could make one up;
Once a Pair of Balls where seperated for reason that while big and scary, where made better by their seperation.
One Ball was, unfortunately, lost by the big scary thing.
The other was left alone, but was tough enough to make it by himself, and infact, was so full of testosterone, that it caused women in a forty mile radius to spontaneously burst into pregnancy. Or grow moustaches.
T'end

Posted by: Nadine at December 9, 2009 3:27 PM

What about "these are balls" from Arrested Development? You know, when Tobias accidentally takes a close up shot of his nuts and the photo gets mistaken for some sort of secret Bluth development in Iraq, and Winkler's character, despite being a total homophobe, immediately recognizes the picture for what it is? Does that count in some way? I'm unclear as to what I'm doing here.

Friend of a friend recently had this operation done and is totally fine, so get well soon, bucdaddy, and do your best to milk as many painkillers out of your doctor as you can.

Posted by: DeadBessie at December 9, 2009 3:29 PM

Gee, I hope Buc remembered to write 'THIS ONE' on the offending ball in Sharpie. Those docs get little dyslexic from time to time, we don't need them getting confused.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at December 9, 2009 3:30 PM

Wishing you all the best, Comma-Tater-Daddy. I'm so glad they caught it early. I'm sure you'll come through like a rock star.

In the meantime, enjoy all the post-op drugs and sandwiches and ice cream you can get!

Posted by: ShinyKate at December 9, 2009 4:00 PM

After the surgery, let's load the ball up into the MurderTank's gun and fire it at cancer!

Fuck cancer and all that!

Posted by: mswas at December 9, 2009 4:43 PM

One of the characters in "Urban Cowboy" only had one testicle. It wasn't John Travolta.

Good Luck, BucDaddy, and enjoy an extraordinary nut snack for me.

Posted by: BWeaves at December 9, 2009 4:45 PM

my husband lost one of his boys several years ago. we made lots of inappropriate half man jokes about it, joined a bowling league since he got so much sick time out of work and learned to appreciate his newfound streamline appearance
good luck

Posted by: courtney_1 at December 9, 2009 5:01 PM

More power to your remaining ball, you crazy punctuation mark!

Posted by: lordhelmet at December 9, 2009 5:05 PM

Buc, I have no funny stories to share so just get better! Be glad you still have one!
And Fuck Cancer!

Posted by: trixie at December 9, 2009 5:12 PM

Best wishes, buc. We loves ya and hope your recover will be naught but a quick haze of opiates.

Posted by: Jelinas at December 9, 2009 5:22 PM

Dear Buc,

OUCH!

No seriously, I consider you a friend. I remember those cold lonely nights here at pajiba when I had no one to help me repel the vicious attacks on me for voicing my opinion which happened to be opposite of the oh so tiresome groupthink that at times strangle dissenting points of view here. On several occasions you stepped forward and defended me from the angry mob, you spine is stiff and your word is bond. I would rather have one big ball than two small balls.

Posted by: Guess Who! at December 9, 2009 5:24 PM

,

Your One-Eyed Willie
has lost a friend.
But I think
his heart will mend.

He swells with pride
(He should)when near
loved ones who,
in your heart, are dear.

So go ahead and hold tight.
With Willie in your mit.
And say "FUCK CANCER,
and all this SHIT!"


Wow. That took way to long to write.
Hope all goes swimmingly.

Posted by: JohnnyThei at December 9, 2009 5:28 PM

Patty O'Green:

You just HAD to go and mention Hard Candy, didn't you? Poor Patrick Wilson...

Posted by: Daniel Hall at December 9, 2009 5:32 PM

You only mentioned "ball" so I'll take some liberty and talk about another kind of body-part ball instead of the testicular kind.

1929: Salvador Dali and Luis Bunuel come up with a freaky cinematic masterpiece. A film where no words are uttered and there is basically no plot. A woman prods a severed hand. A man drags two grand pianos stuffed with the rotting remains of donkeys. A man cycles down a quiet street dressed as a nun. Ants emerge from a hole in someone's arm and another slices out the eye-ball of his dear-wife.

So you see you've been pretty lucky Bucdaddy. Fuck cancer and good luck with the surgery. Take care of the remaining testicle. It's very precious.

The film mentioned above is Un Chien Andalou

Posted by: barf at December 9, 2009 5:44 PM

Best of luck.
But if there's anything Sex and the City can teach us, it's that if you ACT really upset and inadequate about only having one ball, you WILL get the girls (just bear in mind that the other ball will still produce enough sperm to impregnate every woman on the planet so be careful).

Posted by: ChrisD at December 9, 2009 5:48 PM

Seen as I am a sucker for anything Star Wars, I can't go past Fanboys as a ball related movie. Dan Fogler's character, Hutch, has one ball.
"Dude, I would sell my left nut. And I only have the one nut. So you see how serious I am?"

Posted by: Seraf at December 9, 2009 6:03 PM

A one... two-- A one... two... three... four...
Half a Tee, philosophically,
Must, ipso facto, half not be.
But half the Tee has got to be
Vis a vis, its entity. D'you see?

But can a man be said to be
Or not to be with an entire Tee
When half the Tee is not a Tee
Due to some ancient injury?

Singing...

La dee dee, one two three,
Buc-aaaa-daaady.
A B C D E F G,
Buc-aaaa-daaady.

Is this wretched Tater B,
Half-asleep upon my knee,
Some freak from a menagerie?
No! It's Buc-aaaa-daaady!

Fiddle de dum, Fiddle de dee,
Taaater Baarley.
Ho ho ho, tee hee hee,
Buc-aaaa-daaady.

I love this Pajiba, employee-ee,
Bisected accidentally,
One summer afternoon by me,
I love him carnally.

He loves him carnally,
Semi-carnally.
The end.

Cyril Connelly?
No; semi-carnally!
Oh.

Cyril Connelly.
*with h/t to Monty Python...well actually pretty much plagarised*

Speedy recovery sir!

Posted by: brite at December 9, 2009 6:14 PM

Half-Sack from SOA got a glassball this season. Maybe he could get one too.

Posted by: zito at December 9, 2009 6:24 PM

I'm still here! Can't stay long because I'm not supposed to be sitting up. I look forward to reading this thread once I'm allowed to laugh again (stitches).

Things look good for having corraled that bastard today. I'll know more in about a week when the test results come back.

You guys are the greatest. Many thanks again for your kind thoughts, prayers etc.

Posted by: , at December 9, 2009 6:43 PM

brite just won the internet with that song.

Well wishes for a speedy recovery, bucdaddy.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at December 9, 2009 7:03 PM

Here's a link to the original, just in case you haven't heard it before.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iSssOpLTPM&feature=player_embedded

Posted by: brite at December 9, 2009 7:11 PM

I think I read that Tiger Woods only has one testicle.

Posted by: greer at December 9, 2009 7:16 PM

I can't match the wit here. So I'm going for sincerity. (Fuck you! I can be sincere! I've read a book on it and watched the instructional DVD!)

Get well soon, whatevernameyou'vechosentoday.

and Fuck Cancer.

Posted by: ScienceGeek at December 9, 2009 7:18 PM

I look forward to reading this thread once I'm allowed to laugh again (stitches).

You'll be IN stitches from reading this thread!

*rimshot*

Posted by: mswas at December 9, 2009 8:08 PM

brite is Monarch of the Internet for the rest of this week merely for reminding me of the existence of "Eric the Half-A-Bee," never even mind the genius of those new lyrics.

Posted by: Jerce at December 9, 2009 10:09 PM

Snitches get stitches, oops sorry wrong thread.

Posted by: Guess Who! at December 9, 2009 10:11 PM

And a one, and a two……oops sorry!

Posted by: Guess Who! at December 9, 2009 10:15 PM

One for the money, two for the….oops sorry ops!

Posted by: Guess Who! at December 9, 2009 10:16 PM

Otis: So happened to that chick you went out with last night Tyrone?

Tyrone: Man I took her back to my place and I went ball deep!

Otis: Dude, don’t you mean balls deep?

Tyrone: Naw kid, I mean ball deep.

Otis: Ball deep, what do you mean ball deep? Oh ok never mind I forgot.

Tyrone: Man fuck you!

Posted by: Guess Who! at December 9, 2009 10:30 PM

Here's to a speedy recovery Bucdaddy!

*downs drink*

Posted by: Bistro at December 10, 2009 12:21 AM

Buc, glad to see you on here! Feel better so you can read all the awesomeness on the post today! Positive thoughts for the results!

Posted by: trixie at December 10, 2009 12:38 AM

Hey Buc,

Keep to the bed, then.
It is morning here on the other side of the sea, so nut, sorry, not much inspiration, but a soft male-het cuddle for the other Ball. Must be a shock, suddenly missing your neighbour.

Get wel and stay wel!
And don't feel obliged to start running marathons, as that seems what most people do who have the big C.

Posted by: Magiel at December 10, 2009 3:47 AM

Not much left to say here, but hope to see you back here soon, buc.

Oh yeah and [b]FUCK CANCER[/b]

Posted by: frank (aka frank_247 aka the lone Scotsman) at December 10, 2009 4:43 AM

Looks like I can't do BOLD, but you know where I'm coming from.

Posted by: frank (aka frank_247 aka the lone Scotsman) at December 10, 2009 4:44 AM

Not much left to say here, but hope to see you back here soon, buc.

Oh yeah and FUCK CANCER!

Got it right this time and say how I feel twice!

Posted by: frank (aka frank_247 aka the lone Scotsman) at December 10, 2009 4:48 AM

Well, Bucdaddy, at least you'll still have one friend left in the Winnebago.

Good luck and speedy (and pain free) recovery!

Posted by: TylerDFC at December 10, 2009 7:01 AM

Incidentally "van Ballegooi" is a typical Dutch nick and/or last name that literaly means "of throwing balls" (Bucdaddy, consider this your new Indian name).

Fling that diseased testicle to the winds and proceed with the rest of your life wherein all pantcontent shall live happy and healthily ever after!

Posted by: Pants at December 10, 2009 8:08 AM

Good vibes, Buc!

Your mention of stitches reminds me of what Spike Milligan said he'd do if he woke up as a woman one day - sashay though the circumcision ward and listen to the stitches pop!

My ball-related memory is of the Scrubs episode when JD takes his date bare-back-riding on the beach. Testicle-related hijinks duly ensue.

Posted by: tarn at December 10, 2009 8:37 AM

Look on the upside, Buc. Now you're a Uniball(tm).

Posted by: BiblioGeek at December 15, 2009 4:13 AM


















Viral Hits

>> Pajiba Movie Posters

>> Pop Culture's 20 Greatest Dancing GIFs

>> Mindhole Blowers

>> The 100 Greatest Insults of All Time

>> The "Other" 100 Greatest Movie Quotes

>> The 100 Greatest Movie Threats of All Time

>> The Sean Bean Death Reel

>> Chicks Dig Beards: It's Science

>> The Coolest TV Show Title Sequences

>> The Most Rewatchable Movies

>> The Most Expensive Movies of All Time