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Snow Day!

By Sarah Larson | Comment Diversions | December 9, 2009 |

By Sarah Larson | Comment Diversions | December 9, 2009 |

So … today is Wednesday, which means today is No Whining Wednesday, which means Lainey isn’t going to like today’s diversion very much. I originally had a much happier diversion planned, but then the weather happened and the now the Tater Tots have a snow day and everything got shot to hell. See, I live in Minnesota, and it snowed here last night. And I suppose it was a decent amount of snow; I don’t know exactly how much because checking the weather is kind of a lot of work, but it was enough that I had to haul out the snowblower to get out of my driveway this morning and there were cars stuck in the snow on both ends of my street, so I had to drive through somebody’s yard to get out of my neighborhood. Don’t worry, it was the house on the corner of the neighborhood’s back entrance and they’ve never kept their lawn very nicely anyway, so it should be fine. Okay, MOSTLY fine. I may have run over one of their inflatable reindeer. ACCIDENTALLY (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it).

The hell was I talking about? Oh yeah, snow day. So the Tater Tots have a snow day today. What? Who are the Tater Tots? Dude, they’re my sister’s steptots, and I talk about them constantly because they are very high maintenance, and GOD, it’s like I have to explain EVERYTHING to you people who aren’t hip to the times and playing with us in the Pajiba group over on The Facespace. What are you waiting for, anyway? Everyone over there is totally insane, so it’s pretty much the best thing ever.

SO ANYWAY, snow day. Like I was saying, we got a decent amount of snow and we’re still under a blizzard warning until midnight tonight, but it’s honestly not that bad and the temperature isn’t even below zero and this weather is not remotely blowing my mind, and I have no idea why these little bastards have a snow day today. I remember the Halloween blizzard in 1991 when we got 26 inches of snow AND WE STILL WENT TRICK-OR-TREATING because you don’t fuck with a kid’s candy, Jack Frost. I will cut a bitch for some goddamn peanut butter cups, and don’t you forget it, Mother Nature. I remember the one time all year that we got a snow day my senior year of high school, and it was because there was so much snow on the ground that the road plows could only clear one lane FOR BOTH DIRECTIONS OF TRAFFIC on every street. Why, BACK IN MY DAY, we only got a snow day when you opened your front door and literally saw nothing but white — and that’s only if you could actually wedge the door all the way open through the snow — or if it was so cold that the school buses couldn’t start.

But today … today we have a few inches of snow on the ground and it’s a little windy and I’m stuck at my sister’s place with three bored, whining tots because my sister and her fiancé are at a meeting with the builders picking finishes for their new house, and these effing kids have a snow day. The construction crew at my sister’s house is outside framing a damn building today, but these little bastards can’t sit on their asses in a heated classroom and learn how to whine at a higher octave, or whatever the fuck they’re teaching them at that joint they call a school.

These kids today, man. They’re PUSSIES. They’re SOFT. They have such delicate goddamn sensibilities. Brown Tot (the oldest one) is on a basketball team, and they can’t even play actual GAMES because apparently keeping score might irreparably fracture their self esteem, so they have “organised scrimmages” instead, and every kid gets a little plastic trophy at every event. Just for showing up, they win a goddamn prize. These are third graders, not toddlers. I can only IMAGINE what a pain in the ass these whiny, entitled little mincing nancies are gonna be when they have jobs.

So tell me about your favorite snow day memories!

(You see what I did there, Lainey? LALALA I’M NOT WHINING).

Sarah Larson lives in Minnesota, where she is usually up to no good, but is currently stuck inside with three children running around in circles in their swimsuits and playing the Alvin and the Chipmunks 2 soundtrack on repeat. She is wondering why the lambs won’t stop screaming.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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