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Am I the Only One Who Hopes All the Google Glass Users Go Cross-eyed or Something?

By Cindy Davis | Miscellaneous | April 15, 2014 | Comments ()


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The other night, I was out to dinner with the family at a place frequented by Apple and other tech company employees; I’m basically in the middle of Hipster Valley and frankly, it bugs me. So there we are, eating our hipster burgers and fries, and the mister points out some doofus wearing Google Glass. Not Google Glasses, mind you, because that name would not be douchey enough. Listen, I’m married to a computer nerd, and even he is embarrassed for these wankers. I’m pretty sure not even the Dowager Countess of Grantham could look more pretentious than that restaurant dorkazoid wearing his Google Glass.

On the one hand I’m happy for Google that they became such a successful company, but money and power and whatever that thing is that motivates people to the nth degree has them invading NASA hangars and giant barges, and it makes me fear we’ll soon be subjected to Google-World theme parks or that some Googletology guru will tempt away Tom Cruise and John Travolta with the ability to enhance every aspect of our lives.

google-glass1.jpg

Today (in Mountain View, CA), the company quickly sold out of the white — aka “Cotton” — $1,500.00 Google Glass model, to be worn by “Explorers.” Google Glass allows Explorers hands-free access many smartphone features like a camera, internet access, touchpad, voice-commands, and a display. Presumably, the rest of us “People” will have to settle for our smartphones and those cheap-ass $20.00 frames we score at Zenni Optical. And unfortunately for us, when we fly Virgin Atlantic, our plastic pieces of crap won’t allow our airplane concierge direct access to give us the personalized aircraft services we so desperately need; that’s right, we’re fucked. After Google sold an undisclosed number of Google Glass units today (or whatever the hipster equivalent of “unit” is), they decided to end the one day sale; I’m guessing the next batch of blue…er, “Ocean” will show up in a couple of months at $2000.00 per hipster unit.

Go ahead, help me pinpoint why this all makes me so angry, because I honestly have no idea. All I know is I shall be awaiting the day someone walks into a Google Glass Explorer’s Emporium and plays out this magical scene:


Cindy Davis, (Twitter) doesn’t need anything.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • DominaNefret

    This thread makes me really wish that we could still see downvotes.
    The comments threads got a little less fun without them being visible.

  • RhymesWithWitch

    I can't stand the 8-10 hours a day I'm forced to sit at a computer and work. I can't imagine being hooked up to a computer through my eye wear too. Anyone who wears these is bound to develop problems for a variety of different reasons. Get a life people! Why anyone would want to be "wired" like that all the time is beyond me. I prefer the outdoors and some simple shades.

  • BlackRabbit

    Hilarious thought: how do you stop someone from IDing you with Google Glasses and broadcasting you all over the Net? Wear a burqa.

  • DominaNefret

    I live in a tech corridor in Northern Virginia, which has been dubbed "the Silicone Valley of the East Coast". I see people wearing these things all of the time, and I also hate it. (I happen to live 1/2 mile from a Google office too.)

  • aroorda

    This entire article and most of the comments really sounds like the old "gosh-darn kids with their insta-book and facegram! When I was younger we didn't NEED any of this high tech mumbo jumbo."

    Well no you didn't NEED it, but I can see viable reasons Glass would be a good piece of technology to own. For instance, having navigation in your Field-of-View without having to turn to look at a screen while driving. That's just one.

  • Sirilicious

    And if suddenly a child runs across the road in front of your car, would it help to have lines and arrows and a speedometer obscuring your view to avoid said kid in time?

  • Jezzer

    No kidding. Accidents already increase significantly from aural distractions like headphones and cell phones. I imagine a visual distraction would be even worse.

  • BlackRabbit

    Not to mention apparently having to nod your head to change it.

  • Steven Bissell

    ". . .help me pinpoint why this all makes me so angry, because I honestly have no idea. "

    It's because you are a jerk.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I'm 99.999999234728904% sure that's not it.

  • Steven Bissell

    Getting 'angry' because someone is doing something that has no impact you you is pretty jerky IMHO. Or does it make sense to want to control the behavior of others?

  • jollies

    One last thought. Wearing Google Glass to make you seem cool seems so far off-base to me. It'd be like playing D&D in public, but using a solid gold 20-sided die with a giant diamond in the 00 spot. You've managed to out yourself as a geek, but you've then destroyed any geek-sympathy through materialistic douchiness.

    I'm still not sure I care, though.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    wearing Google Glass to make you seem cool does make you seem cool to the people whose judgment you admire. Just like that awesome D20. Just like a Ferrari. (and then there are others who have those things because they like using them. Maybe not the D20, as there's not much enhanced functionality in a gold die.)

  • jollies

    This is why I need to think things through before commenting.
    You are right, of course. The Google Glass wearer is trying to impress Codex, not me. Just like the guy with the awesome D20 is trying to impress the beautiful half-elf across the table, not me.

  • jollies

    I don't care about Google Glass, except to the same extent I don't want someone I don't know videotaping me or snapping my picture as I want down the street, walk into a bar, walk out of the mall, or whatever. I guess Google Glass is worse, because if I'm on the train and someone is pointing their phone at me, I can see it and ask them to stop, whereas with Google Glass I might not know it is happening. I guess I need to think this through a bit more ...

  • VohaulsRevenge

    I have no plans, money for, or interest in obtaining Google Glass, but I think it's the future, apart from my own feelings about it. The world's been heading this way for a long time, folks: from AOL to Foursquare and Instagram, from "Talk Soup" to The D-Listed the business of knowing what everyone else is doing and letting everyone else know what you're doing has never been hotter.

    If Glass flops, I'd bet good money that some other similar product will come on the market later, because that hunger is there in consumer culture; in 10-15 years, all of Glass's hardware might be able to fit onto a contact lens. We can't cure cancer, but we can sure has hell make sure you have access to everything and everyone you want to know about, right or wrong. Technology reflects values, not the reverse; this is why someone transported from 1975 might be appalled at the prevalence of texting, reality TV, e-mails, and Internet oversharing today while we don't blink at it--except when some new tech comes down the pike, some tech that will magically alter our values when it's our values that created it.

    In sum, what we're dealing with is not an invasion of privacy so much as a redefinition of it, which is a process which has been continuous since the very start of the Information Age. Privacy means something very different today than it did in 1975, and it will mean something very different in 2044. You can't put the shit back in the horse.

  • kirbyjay

    Seeing as I'm oblivious to Google Glass (and most other high tech products) what exactly will it do to invade one's privacy?

  • Jezzer

    Built-in camera that can surreptitiously record whatever's in the wearer's field of vision, along with a built-in sense of entitlement.

  • wonkeythemonkey

    Time to go patent a device that makes your face invisible to Google Glass cameras. I know there are infrared lights that you can mount on the brim of a hat that will turn your head into a white glare on security cameras -- could we do something similar with a necklace, or maybe my own, normal person glasses?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    surely Sephora has some magical light-diffusing lotion which will make me look younger AND protect me from Google Glass? Or at least soft filter me in Google Glass.

  • Miss Jane

    How DARE these early adopters try something new. Jerks.

  • Devin McMusters

    I thought that once the Simpsons makes of fun of something, it's immediately over.

  • Bert_McGurt

    If they want to call it Google Glass they should have made it a monocle.

  • PerpetualIntern

    All I can think when I see that header photo is "HE HATES THESE CANS!"

  • the dude

    Why do you hate these people so much? They're not really doing you any harm as far as I can see it, just sharing a restaurant with you.

  • Jezzer

    They're the unofficial symbol of start-up techbros, and those people are mostly human shit stains and objectivists. But I repeat myself.

  • BWeaves

    Unless you're in the witness protection program, and the idiot uploads video of you to Facebook and the contract killers now know where you are what your new hair color is.

  • BlackRabbit

    Until some idiot wearing them t-bones you in traffic.

  • JJ

    Considering that more than 90% of adults in the US use cell phones and more than two-thirds of them have or continue to use them while driving, I'm significantly more concerned about that than Google Glass use.

  • BlackRabbit

    Oh, me too. Until they become cheap and wildly popular.

  • Dennis Albert Ramirez

    google glass, silicon valley, hipsters, privacy issues, whatever.

    my pet peeve is people who wear glasses when they don't need to, and clearly, someone at Google want me to die of an aneurysm

    yeah i know it's just the frames with a magic crystal on one side, but STILL

  • LwoodPDowd

    Wouldn't the anti-google/anti-tech movement be the hipsters? I thought hipsters want everything retro and the google glass wearers were the trendy douche nozzles. Not that the anti glass people can't be douches as well http://arstechnica.com/tech-po...

  • JJ

    It's because the term "hipsters" has been overused to the point of dilution, much like in this article. What exactly is a "hipster burger and fries"? People may as well us the word "Smurf" instead of "hipster" for all the specificity that it carries now.

  • Jezzer

    I think it's just shorthand for "smug, pretentious twat" now, instead of "smug, pretentious artisanal twat."

  • Haystacks

    To me it reeks of a kind of social entitlement. It is annoying enough when someone is on their phone when you are trying to take their order, or serve them, or you are supposed to be having a conversation. The Glass just takes this up a notch. "I'm sorry, nothing you could possibly do or say could ever take precedence over me checking my email and read Celebitchy. This service you are doing for me, or interaction we are having has so little value I could never bother to give you my valuable attention."

  • Zak44

    Which is why the raised middle finger has now been surpassed by the raised "shut-up-while-I-take-this-call" index finger as the rudest digit of them all.

  • Jezzer

    Exactly. People are rude enough to service workers already with cell phones.

  • kirbyjay

    I agree. Being as I grew up without cell phones ( and computers and cable......blah, blah, blah....) I don't know exactly when it was that people became so damn important that a text or phone call can not wait until interaction with an actual person is over.

  • emmalita

    I love that scene, and the way she says, "I don't care about the money. It's losing all the stuff."

  • Mrs. Julien

    I'm picking out a thermos for you, emmalita.

  • emmalita

    So long as it's plaid.

  • Also, it's creepy as fuck.

  • Because it's goddamn unnecessary. No one needs this. It's a frivolous piece of plastic that'll only serve to try and get attention and a sad attempt to make people jealous that you can throw away money on unnecessary shit like this. Maybe that's just me, though. The End.

  • Ben

    If we're going to bitch at stuff for being unessecary, then what about mobile phones, laptops, spending time on pajiba. There are a lot of unnecessary things that people could spend money and time on. That doesn't make them less worthy or worth straight up derision.

    Also did it ever occur to you that people might be spending money on them because they genuinely enjoy them?

  • Jezzer

    No, they're spending money on them so they can be seen with them and everyone can marvel at how trendy they are, and how they had $1,500 they could afford to throw away to look like Jordi LaForge with one functioning eyeball.

  • davcamp

    This is exactly it. It's to show off and say "i'm special." And just because they are innovative doesn't mean they are great. I live in Silicon Valley and see them on occassion. The user doesn't look like he's looking at you. He's looking off. Then he realizes you're looking at him and he either smiles because he knows WHY you're looking at him or pretend to be annoyed because you're looking at him and he doesn't want you to think he knows why.

  • Here's the thing, though: Looking like an idiot has never stopped anyone from buying something useless. So, they'll still buy them, I'll still think they look like assholes, and they won't care, and we will all go on with our lives. They'll just look like assholes as they do.

  • Guest

    Yeah...but these things are worthless.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    If it's any consolation, your overuse of the word "hipster" annoys me just as much. But then again, so do people who question how I function without Facebook or a smartphone.

  • DominaNefret

    The overuse of the word "hipster" in general is a big pet peeve of mine. A friend of mine posted an article on Facebook today that was something like "22 Foods that Hipsters Need to Stop Obsessing Over". I looked at it, and it was all yuppie foods. I know that today's yuppies do not look like the yuppies of yore, but since when are they hipsters?

    Apparently hipster now just means "anyone in their late 20s to mid 30s who does anything that annoys you".

  • Sara_Tonin00

    ha! my friend emailed me that last night, and I read it, and though, these aren't hipsters, these are snotty foodies.

    (I totally called the kimchi tacos being on that list, and they are DELICIOUS. I'm afraid that since I am sans skinny jeans, dark-rimmed glasses or any indie music cred, I am decidedly not a hipster.)

  • DominaNefret

    I'd never heard of a kimchi taco before, but I'm going to be honest, it sounds delicious.

  • I am duly ashamed. But, HIPSTERS!

  • Joey.blowey

    Glasshole!

  • Kirre

    haha, the fact that you could restrain yourself from replying by copy-pasting the word "hipster" a gazillion times is impressing.
    You are a better person than me.

  • glimmersnaps

    My brother in law is a software writer and he got a pair a few months back. I tried them and... I was really frickin unimpressed. I guess the first models of anything are a bit lame and glitchy.

    I can imagine, though, that the tech will improve and people will be doing this or something close to it. You know how it's annoying when you hear someone talking on bluetooth but you don't realize they are on it? Glass is like that x1000. You have to say "ok glass" (sometimes loudly) and jerk your head up and down to work it. It's going to add a whole new level of embarrassment to our daily interactions.

    (And the privacy issue in no joke.)

  • Jezzer

    "It's going to add a whole new level of embarrassment to our daily interactions."

    If these people were at all capable of embarrassment, I would agree.

  • Jericho Smith

    I just want a QR code sticker that will shut the glasses down when scanned or whatever.
    I'm just wearing a sticker, here!

  • BlackRabbit

    Or just say "Lemon Party" to them. DO NOT GOOGLE IT.

  • Jezzer

    I once told a co-worker that lemon party was a website with naked chicks rubbing lemons on each other. I regret nothing.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    If your co-worker thought that sounded like a website worth visiting, he (I presume it's a he) got what he deserved.

  • Jericho Smith

    Oh. Way to just put a giant red button in front of me!!

  • Aaron Schulz

    totally google it
    you cant have a lemon party without Ol' dick

  • abell

    Perhaps this is the reason:

    http://penny-arcade.com/comic/...

  • Blake Shrapnel

    At what point did Google become creepier than the Weyland-Yutani Corporation?

  • VohaulsRevenge

    "Think of all we can learn from it! It's the chance of a lifetime!"

  • John G.

    pay not attention, Google is just busy buying up giant barges, robotics companies, and now they just picked up a drone company. Nothing to see here.

  • abell

    You want to feel some real fear? Did you know that Google owns Boston Dynamics? They're the guys who made these abominations.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?...

  • Melina

    Someone call Tom Selleck, Gene Simmons is making creepy robots again: https://www.youtube.com/watch?...

  • Jericho Smith

    Google Street View...

  • kirbyjay

    I love Google Street View. My job involves driving and directions and I can zoom in on a street corner and know exactly where I have to turn instead of looking for a possibly non-existent street sign in a busy location.

  • Ben

    How dare those entitled hipsters enjoy something that you don't have. You're right to be angry at people enjoying a product that in no way negatively effects you. I mean you have to look at them... with those glasses on?

  • Sirilicious

    ETA: Nevermind, Replica sead it earlier and better.

  • Replica

    How dare those wankers not provide me with an opt-out and media release to sign every time they glance in my direction?

    No one gives a damn about what the wearer is doing with the things, until it intersects with another person's right to privacy.

    Privacy, not in the 'you're out in public anyway' way, but in the digital recording, EXIF data capturing, facial recognition and geo-located targeting kind of privacy - the kind of amorphous and insidious assumptions (and often outright product goals) made by info-centric corporations in order to continue to monetize your behaviour.

    The thing now seeping into every aspect of our society and currently lacking a set of rules or guidelines for us all to negotiate

    Even if you don't personally care, many do, and they have the right to negotiate their digital presence. In fact, this roll-out is exactly about public response - when we move from 'hey cool' to 'wait, I don't want to be uploaded' is when we get privacy policy into the public forum.

    Sure, glass isn't the first device where these are issues to be worked out by society - but it comes at a very pivotal moment in history: one in which a stranger faces unwanted and permanent exposure just so these twiddleheads can look cool and advertise their discretionary spending in the latte line.

  • foolsage

    You raise excellent points. We know that some companies (e.g. Facebook) genuinely do not believe in privacy, in general terms. How long until Facebook for Glass is scanning faces of everyone in your field of view by default, and logging their location?

    Putting aside obvious concerns like locating mob informants or victims of domestic abuse, the underlying privacy concern is basic: do we have a right not to have our picture taken, when in public? Do we have a right not to have our location broadcast to third parties (for e.g. marketing purposes)?

  • Ben

    And those completely genuine concerns weren't brought up once in the article, instead it focused on people being hipsters and having access to things the writer didn't and paying lots of money.

    If those were the concerns that drew the writer to write the article then those are valid concerns that should be discussed. But generally they need to be brought up to be discussed. Not just glossed over in favor of bitching about people being hipsters.

  • John G.

    Yeah, everybody, stop having fun. You're hurting Ben's feelings.

  • jollies

    So we can't make fun of people with bad boob jobs, but we can make fun of people who wear Google Glasses. Got it. Carry on.

  • Sal Anatoli

    Who said we can't make fun of people with bad boob jobs? We make fun of all kinds of people here.

  • Ben

    Why would you make fun of someone for having a bad boob job? What "haha you're the victim of malpractice! Now you have to live with people staring at you awkwardly and making you feel ashamed of your body!"

    Yeah... that's fucking hilarious.

  • jollies

    Well,, it may not be very funny the way you tell it ...

    I've actually never told a boob job joke. My comment was the result of a Pajiba discussion a few weeks back where someone (not me) made a dismissive joke about a boob job as a way of expressing his preference for natural boobs. A second poster jumped all over him, saying that bad boob jobs were not the appropriate subject for jokes. When I questioned this ( as I think there are very few topics that should be banned from jokes), I was chastised and called a "boobist."

    Anyway, I enjoyed your passionate overreaction. It was likely my fault for assuming everyone reads and remembers everything.

  • Ben

    You were called a boobist? Someone used that term with a straight face? Seriously?
    I think there's a difference between jokes about bad boob jobs in general and making fun of someone specific for having a bad boob job though.

  • jollies

    If I remember correctly, the "boobist" comment came from someone trying to be funny, but it was in response to some very serious criticism about whether boob jobs represent an appropriate topic for humor. I also agree with you about joking about things generally vs. making fun of someone specifically. In fact, that was my entire point originally -- that individualized mockery is almost always hurtful whereas generalized joking/mockery should rarely be censored or off limits.
    Anyway, we've gone quite off topic here. My bottom line is that Google Glass is not my cup of tea, but I don't really care unless someone is recording my image without my consent.

  • John G.

    poor, rich, white guys, won't someone look out for their interests for once?

  • jollies

    About three months ago, there was an article in the Chonicle about a woman who was assaulted in a Haight bar because she was wearing Google Glasses. Does this change anything? What if she also had a bad boob job?

  • jollies

    And, fyi, I'm in the camp that believes we should be able to make fun of everyone, so long as it is funny and not individually personalized. (I realize that this creates its own problems, but I'm willing to live with that.)

  • Jezzer

    To be fair, hipsters are annoying and punchable and deserve to be shot into the sun.

  • Sal Anatoli

    We'll said Jezzer. I don't know why, but I can't stand hipsters either. Maybe it's because they try so hard and they place so much importance on being hip, yet they come across as such douchebags.

  • Amen, sister.

  • Jenn TheYellowDart

    So you're telling me you don't have any random pet peeves? Christ, sometimes someone's HAIRCUT or lip gloss colour will send me into a blind rage.
    Also, this article was clearly done as a comment on that kind of peeve. God forbid someone make a sarcastic comment on things.

  • Ben

    I can't imagine living a life where someones haircut or colour of lip gloss or what they choose to wear would make me rage? That seems like... just a lot of rage to have?

    Like I can understand if you think it looks dumb or something yeah, but actually getting angry at another persons choice of haircut or choice of product or something? That just seems like a lot of effort for nothing really. Like shit I don't give two severed flying dicks if someones haircut looks stupid. It's their life, aint got shit to do me.

    Yeah I have pet peeves, of course I do, but generally their shit that I actually has an effect on me? Like when someones talking to you and they talk really slowly. It bugs me but it's also actually directly effecting me. Also it doesn't really rate more then a 'hmph, that was kinda irritating'

    Also "God forbid someone make a sracastic comment on things" My entire post was a sarcastic comment on the article? So uh... what?

  • DominaNefret

    Most of the time when people talk really slow it is because they have one of a variety of disorders, so really that just makes you a dick.

  • Ben

    I think assuming that if someone doesn't speak fast enough for you then that they suffer from a mental disorder is kinda a bigger dick move.

  • DominaNefret

    Uhhhh, no, you are the one who just assumed that.
    I was talking about physical disorders; there are a wide variety that make people speak very slowly, need to pause between words, require a lot of effort to say every word, and cause thoughts to take more time than normal to go from the brain to the mouth.

    I am aware of these things due to both having one of these disorders, and being in a profession where I have to study pathologies.
    Most of the time these pathologies are not obvious; it isn't clear that someone has an issue, it just seems like they talk slow, or are easily distracted.

  • Jezzer

    Jesus fucking Christ, come down from the cross, St. Ben.

  • Ben

    Man all I'm saying is that if someones haircut or lip gloss sends you into a blind rage. That maybe you need to chill the fuck out a bit.

  • Jezzer

    Sentence fragments send me into a blind rage.

  • TimeTravelMan

    I make a pretty good living selling shit like this.

  • B. Garcia

    Glasshole.

  • Gavin Smith

    Nice.

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